Friday, September 30, 2005

it's interesting to think about (for me anyway) that these paintings and this life... the paintings I'm doing now and the life I'm living now, could never have occurred had the whole thing with gerri never happened. I'm unimaginably removed from, not only the life that I was leading six years ago but also, the life that I would be leading today, were it not for the events of six years ago.

what life altering decisions we can find ourselves periodically making, and what astounding circumstances we can find ourselves in... like little personal paradigm shifts that change our entire way of seeing and being, altering our point of view, our perception... and causing the death of the incarnations we once were____ forks in our road leading us off into unexplored and unexpected territory. that person that inhabited my shared consciousness six years ago is just as dead as he would be, had I walked unsuccessfully through traffic and been crushed beneath a convoy of 18-wheeler tractor trailer truck tires... and the person I am today would just as simply never have come into being.

that of course is not the only death I've experienced. there are girls and homes in my past that have no common point of contemporary reference and are as if they never existed, and yet, had different choices been chosen, they would have remained relevant into today's life. perhaps we die each minute, but seldom are the transitions as apparent as romances beginning and ending and locations visited and left.

well, enough of that for tonight.

this morning, I went to the coffeeshop. then rode my bike up to the macmall at 15th and wilshire in santa monica and bought an ipod to replace the one that sara broke last week, apparently they are very expensive in the UK and so denise asked me to buy one here and ship it. after I got home, I worked on the computer awhile, just cleaning up things I'd missed on yesterday's update. then susan stopped by to look at some pics that her computer wouldn't open (don't know why). michelle called___ she stayed home sick from school, was feeling a bit better after multiple baths and nap and broken fever in mid afternoon, which is good because her dad's visiting as of this evening, just for a day.

mailed the ipod at the post office on my way to the beach. the day was beautiful again and I had a nice swim and read for an hour or so laying on my blanket on the sand. came home, made chess and scrabble moves with bruce and lucy, instant messaged with lucy a bit, she's working hard and hectically.

went to the coffeeshop, talked with tim and eric. came home, talked with michelle on the phone. had a message from susan interested in getting a movie, I called back telling her I had one and she could come over. she had unexpected maternal obligations and so I ended up getting a burrito and watching the movie by myself__ lost in translation... I'd seen it in the theatre when it came out, but hadn't seen it since. I like it, but not as much as everybody else seems to. glad I saw it again though.

that was my day, now i'm tired. ready for bed.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

well, it's kinda late on thursday night, and I'm tired, but I didn't get around to writing yesterday or so far today, so I better at least do a quick update.

the santa ana's are kickin' in inland and causing wind and fire, but out here by the beach, they just make it wonderfully warm. the air quality's down though and I think everybody's feeling kinda sore throat sinusy. Michelle is full-on flu/cold and I've just got a bit of a sore throat, which might be related to a touch of swimmer's ear___ which is simply the price one pays for frolicking in the ocean, and while I don't like feeling a little under the weather, I think that goin' for a daily swim/body surf is worth the price; the waves were great today!

went for breakfast at the french place with susan this morning. we were gonna go to the hot (benice, I guess) but they were loudly cutting the dead out of the parking lot palms and we were driven away by the noise. I've gone to the coffeeshop everyday this week, even when I've gone to breakfast later, and I keep reading the paper, even though I'm trying to quit. I don't know why I do, I don't think it's helping me or anybody else, for me to keep up with the news, but it is pretty addictive. At least I did turn the community rep and the "at-risk" teen girl down when they came around asking me to subscribe yesterday. I told them about doing it last year and not being able to get them to stop delivering it, and how it finally cost me $42 dollars or something, and filled my apartment with stacks of paper. so yesterday, I just gave them five dollars and they left; I was relieved.

I've watched kcet both of the past two nights; last night was a bob dylan documentary, and tonight was a show about the sixties (which spilled over into about 1973). both were pretty good. they each had pete seeger and subterranian homesick blues, but other than those two things, didn't have a lot of overlap.

tim's back from poland, talked with him at the coffeeshop this afternoon, glad to have him back. went with susan to pick up her prius which was having some body work done on it, I drove the geo tracker back to her place afterwards. talked with michelle both the past two nights quite a bit, she goes off track after work tomorrow, unless she calls in sick, which I guess would mean that she's already on break. lucy's working hard on her two projects; magazine and house. I think her schedule lightens up next week. we're just about finished on both scrabble and chess, probably start new games tomorrow.

went out for dinner with aliza and vicky last night, it was fun. it was good to see vic, I've hardly seen her in almost two months, after having seeen her daily for the past few years. We went to the barbecue place on lincoln, I hadn't been there before, because usually you just don't think of going for bbq when you're a vegetarian, but I ordered sides and it was pretty good; mac-n-cheese, baked beans, creamed spinach, mashed potatoes, and corn bread. It wasn't great, but it was pretty good. and they either forgot to charge us for the tecates or they were nice and let us slide, so I thought that was nice. the two guys, who I think are the owners, were very friendly.

I added a few eves to the 2005 section of my site, maybe I did that yesterday, but I don't think I actually uploaded until today. I also created a subsection for the 1991 photos that shows the shots of my studio behind Desire of London, which was the clothing store denise managed before she opened gotta have it.

that's it. goodnight.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

This one's probably gonna get painted over, most of 'em do. I took four shots today and have painted over one of the pieces and have reworked two of the others. I think this one escaped, but I don't think it's ready. we'll see though.

went to breakfast with susan at the new place where massimo used to be, I didn't catch the name. it was alright, the food wasn't great, but I do like eating on the patio. I liked the old place better though.

ran into pesha on the way over, had a nice, brief but good talk, made me feel reconnected somehow.

brad and shannon were at breakfast (separate table) it was their son caleb's first birthday, we sang and susan took cell phone pics. came back here, worked for awhile, posted the drawings I had prepped last week.

it was a beautiful day, so I went to the beach, that's two days in a row, I'm back in the swing of things, but the days (and the water) are cooling off. was gonna go to the coffeeshop this afternoon, but never made it. called aliza because I felt like we needed to talk and I guess that's why I skipped the coffeeshop, I was waiting for her to call back. after awhile I got tired of waiting and called michelle... talked with her for an hour and a half. got off the phone, aliza still hadn't called, finally did around 9:30, which was great because I had given up on her and was feeling like she was gonna avoid me for awhile, but she called and we're alright... although it seems like we're kinda fragile lately.

had a dream last night that I wont be able to describe but it had to do with being in love with a woman and riding horses. she had her own and she had a connection at the stables and was able to get one for me. we rode to her place and I felt wonderfully lovingly connected and at ease with her. by the time we got there, it was raining. we went inside and I met her family, or at least her father. after awhile, it was time for me to leave___ we were in college and I had a class to get to. the rain was really pouring down and my horse had left and presumably headed back to the stable. the girl, my love, rode me back on her horse, no saddle and we were drenched but I woke up feeling wonderful. it felt good to be in love... it was a no doubt certainty love, complete trust and communion, very nice.

watched a show about bob dylan on pbs, was going to watch beakfast at tiffany's, which I'd gotten out of the library, but noticed the dylan thing when I turned the tv on to watch the movie and never got around to switching over.

well, that's enough for tonight, I'm kinda beat.

Monday, September 26, 2005

the party was fun. anya and scott showed up shortly after two and hung out and drank hawaiian punch with me because it really did seem like it was too early to start with beers if it was gonna be a long evening. then tad came by and then aliza who had run into her friend ben and brought him along. we all sat around my front room which surprised me because most of my parties seem to have been more out on the patio, which I'd cleaned and swept off in anticipation, but didn't really need to.

lucy called at one point as she was driving across the golden gate bridge out to wherever it is that she goes to meet with the magazine lady, they were having quark issues which she was explaining to me, but paying too much attention to the phone and not enough to the route and ended up getting off at the wrong place, so we hung up and I came back inside because I had gone outside so I could hear. the party continued, denise called at one point, sara's ipod has broken and she was aking me to buy one here and ship it there because they're more expensive in the UK. the party kept continuing, at some point I switched over to beers, there were more people there, we all talked and drank. eventually everybody left except me, aliza and chris. we decided to go to the beer garden on westminster. we walked chris as far as his house and then were gonna go meet him on westminster, but when we got there, they were closing down. so we walked over to aliza's so she could get warmer clothes. eventually we wound up back at my place, ran into chris on the way, he was meeting three italian girls somewhere, but said he'd bring them over. we all sat around my place for awhile, aliza's and rachel's friend jenny showed up. we all went upstarirs where those guys were barbecuing. sat around drank beers, I mostly talked with jenny, who I've known for quite awhile, but really hadn't talked much to. eventually, kinda drunk, we all left. I ate a bit and then fell asleep.

woke up early, inda disoriented, didn't really know what I was doing, hadn't made any plans beyond the party. watched a movie, thinking it might put me back to sleep, it was maybe 6am or so. after the movie, I went over to the coffeeshop and read the paper, thinking that that somehow would lead me into the day, which it kinda did. I went up to the shop to check to see if denise had enough money up there for the ipod; she didn't. then I couldn't decide whether I should ride to santa monica to buy it or just order it off the web, which seems easier, but not what denise asked for, because of course she could do that from there, but I don't think she really knows how.... hmmm, so I got stuck, but one way or another I should get one for her tomorrow___ pay with my credit card and then write a check from the shop account, although I'm not too certain how much is in there... enough for that anyway, but I don't know how much we'll eventually need, deal with that later I guess.

came back here and painted. kinda screwed myself out of getting much computer stuff done. was running various spyware scans, comparing programs, seeing what caught more, etc... seems like of the free ones ad-aware is the way to go. ian and rachel stopped over for a really nice unexpected visit, ian's dad's in town for a few days and had taken ava to the park which freed ian and rachel up to have their first restaurant lunch by themselves since ava was born (april 18th, same as liz).

had a nice conversation with susan on the phone this morning and then she called to see if I wanted to get some dinner around four, but I'd just eaten so we went for coffee and had a good time, it's nice having her back, I've really been appreciating her lately.

got home, called aliza but she didn't answer, called michelle but she didn't answer, went to the library, got a couple movies, was feeeling kinda lonely, which is silly... but true. got back from library, michelle had called, called her back, she didn't answer again. then I started typing this, and then she called back... we talked for an hour or so and now I'm finishing up.

the drawing I'm posting with this is one of the smaller ones I got ready for the web the other day, but with all the cleaning, etc. for the party I still haven't put them up on the site and my 30 day trial of golive cs expires today, so I've got to load golive 6 on this computer and start using that again.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

went over to michelle's for dinner last night. the food was good__ pasta with broccoli/basil/mushroom/garlic/ parmesan pesto. drank quite a bit of wine. nice to have aliza and the michelle group mingle. got home around midnight. slept soundly, woke up for a little while around five, but then back to sleep until quarter to nine. made a foolish move in my online chess game with bruce when I got home last night, should be careful about playing after drinking wine.

I've gotta ride my bike up to the store and get party supplies now, I've still got cleaning to do, but I'll get to it after I get the shopping out of the way.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

have spent the day cleaning my apartment. I dusted windowsills, which really needed it, I took down the burlap paintings and hung metal pieces even though they're not done, I did some dishes and straightened up. I painted a bit, and am really pretty happy with the way the paintings are going... have no idea what other people will think though... hmmmm.

went to breakfast with susan. had granola and a banana, not really a bargain anymore at the hot, which of course is no longer called the hot, but is now benice, with new menus and everything. I think if susan was sticking around instead of heading back to hawaii I'd try to switch her over to an acai bowl on westminster. that's good food and the price is right.

after breakfast I had a message from michelle saying she was over at the coffeeshop, so I went over there and had coffee with her and tad and luigi and julien. michelle's gonna fix dinner tonight, originally just me, her and aliza, but it's expanded into quite a dinner party with julien, chris and john and maybe still tad, she hadn't heard back from him when I just spoke with her. I'm gonna go over to aliza's around 6:45 and then head over from there.

I rode up to rite-aid and bought wine for tonight and beer for tomorrow, I need to get more beer, but I could only carry one 12-pack and the bottle of wine in my bike basket, so I guess I'll go back in the morning for more. I got a collage from dom in the mail, which I think is done, I'll send her another on monday, I think I have a few from the beginning of the summer, I need to look at those. still haven't printed emily's things or written harold. some day soon.

Friday, September 23, 2005

had a nice time with susan. she bought a car and asked me to be the "guy" so that when the other guy, the person selling the car came, there would be somebody there to look like they knew what they were talking about so she wouldn't get taken advantage of... it went well and the car seems to be in good shape and I think the price was pretty fair. sshe bought a geo tracker, which should get her around in miami and get great gas mileage... and save her on insurance. so, she's gonna store her prius here, which makes it sound like she really is coming back, which I sometimes have wondered about.

after looking at the car and taking a pretty long test drive, we went to the krishna temple salad bar and had dinner, it was good and by that time, I was pretty hungry. we hung out for awhile after dinner and then I came home.

spent today cleaning my apartment; sorting through, organizing and throwing away a lot of papers; and getting my place ready to have people over on sunday. I emailed out invitations this morning letting people know that they could stop over for a beer on sunday during the abbot kinney festival, I think it'll be fun. I haven't really had a party for awhile, I've skipped having birthday parties the past couple years.

this afternoon I went clothes shopping a bit with aliza and then out to a play with ian. it's fun shopping with aliza and going to plays with ian... I've never shopped with ian, but I have had a nice time going with aliza to plays. the thing about ian is that he always seems to know the people to talk with afterwards.

now I'm home, I'm gonna go to bed. I've got a lot more cleaning to do tomorrow.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

well, I'm gonna go to dinner with susan and I think we're leaving around 5 and maybe a little before, so I might as well write a bit now, because it doesn't seem worth it to get involved in a whole long project and then have to leave, but I can do this for a little bit and then maybe check my email, etc.

went to the coffeeshop, talked with mike; music, art, u.s. healthcare system, all the usual. we were both in accord, which made for a satisfying if unconstructive conversation. he's a good guy, that mike.

came home and added links from the 2000 drawing pages back to the 2000 drawing mainpage, which I noticed were lacking and otherwise viewers would have to go to the 2000 mainpage and then the drawing page or use browser back button, but neither of those methods seemed friendly enough. the real project was to add a shaded background to the table that houses the image because the images are on a white background and so the paper shape wasn't showing... it looks better now I think. check it out here. anyway, addding the link was one of those, well, as long as I'm here kinda projects and I'm glad I did it, although at some point I need to go back and add descriptions and comments... pretty much everywhere.

went to the beach, fall arrived, came home, went to the library, took a shower, painted, susan called, started this, aliza called___ her computer seems to have overheated, and now I'm done. I'm gonna check online and see if I can figure out why aliza's computer did what it did, 'cause it doesn't seem like it should've.
yesterday started out with the coffeeshop, which was good to get out and see people a bit, but I got home to find that I'd missed going to breakfast with susan who had called while I was gone, so that was sad. she'll still be around I think for another week, but I think her schedule is a bit up in the air.

after coffee, I finished the group of drawings I shot the other day and so today I plan on getting them posted, that shouldn't take to long.

I went down to the beach, read for awhile, went for a swim, read awhile more, until I was dry. came home and showered. aliza called just as I got out of the shower and wanted to come over to talk. we had a good time and ended up going for pizza... well she got pizza, but I just went along, because I was thinking of maybe going to taco night later. we watched a bit of the jetblue airplane thing on the tv at the pizza place, but since the sound was turned down we had to puzzle out the problem for ourselves___ which wasn't really too hard (front landing gear stuck in down position and turned wrong way, airplane circling longbeach trying to figure out what to do).

after pizza, aliza headed off to her school open house. I went home, and I guess that's when I really finished with the drawings, and then I headed over to the coffeeshop, to see tim, because tim leaves for poland today and so I probably wouldn't see him otherwise___ so that meant that I was skipping taco night, but that was ok really (especially since it turns out michelle didn't go either). saw tim, came home, made dinner, michelle called, talked to her, ate dinner, watched a movie, aliza called, went to bed... that's it.

woke this morning with the phone ringing, stumbled around, found it in the front room on the third ring, it was my mom, had a great talk with her and my dad. they're going to my mom's 50th highschool reunion this weekend, so I'm glad they called because I was planning on calling them saturday morning and they will be gone and I would've missed them. also that works out well, because I called susan a little while ago to see if she wanted to go to breakfast today, but she has an assembly and another tomorrow, so I think we're aiming to go saturday... see how everything fits together?

it's 10am, should I go to the coffeeshop? hmmm. these are the last few hours of summer, I should definitely aim to be down on the beach for the equinox. I'll skip the coffeeshop this afternoon because tim will be at the airport by then waiting to leave or maybe even leaving, and so what's the point really... I don't go there for the coffee.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

well, had a laid back afternoon and evening. worked on figure drawing photos and listened to dhlawrence. never made it down to the beach, it cleared up, but stayed a little too chilly for a swim. went to the coffeeshop at five, saw tim, cosmo mike. tim leaves thursday for poland for a week. went to the library and the grocery. had cheese and avocado sandwiches for dinner. watched the education of little tree (one of dom's recommended) which I got at the library. talked to michelle, talked to aliza, each for a bit while I paused the movie. michelle had a day and a half of car related adventures, aliza's got open house tomorrow night at school. xav called and read me his english paper expressing non-material ideals... will be interesting to see whether he can hold onto those into adulthood... would be great if he could... would make me feel a sense of accomplishment.

I think I'll read for awhile and fall asleep.

looks like fall doesn't begin until thursday afternoon at 2:23pst, I was thinkin' maybe it was tomorrow, but we get one more day of summer, which'll be nice, but I'm ok with fall's arrival this year so everything is alright... aok.
it's quarter after one and the day is getting away from me. it rained all night, which was kinda nice really, but also unexpected, which maybe threw me off a bit. I woke up around 5 and felt wide awake, so I got up and played around on the computer and inadvertantly downloaded a trojan virus, which was a drag. I ran a spyware program but it kept getting caught up on a temp file, which explorer wouldn't let me delete. finally I was able to get to it, after several restarts and delete it and then run a scan and delete the virus, but it has killed most of my day so far...

at one point I went to the coffeeshop... oh, I did end up going back to sleep for awhile this morning, after I got the virus I ran a scan and then went back to bed. had a dream that somebody mentioned to me that their lizard had died through neglect and I suddenly remembered that I had lizards but had forgotten them and hadn't fed them for months. I walked across the room to a good-sized terrarium, expecting to see the two dead lizards, but instead they were alive and active. then I looked closer and realized that there were a lot of lizards and I thought, they must have mated. then I noticed one lizard eating another and I realized they must have survived by eating each other. then I noticed all kinds of dead skeletons and skins around the terrarium of the lizards that had been killed and eaten. then I noticed that there were several different species of lizards, some that looked like tiny dinosaurs that were trying to get out by poking there heads through a little hole in the screen covering the top of the terrarium. everything seemed very chaotic and out of control and unexplainable as to how all these different creatures had evolved from the first two neglected lizards and I felt kinda like an absent god who had created the universe and then forgotten to keep an eye on it until too late... anyway, I woke up thinking that I had to tell somebody about what had happened to my lizards, and was seriously considering trying to call either aliza or michelle before they left for work, until it gradually dawned on me that it had only been a dream and I hadn't had any lizards at all.

by that point, I was wide enough awake to realize the comuter scan must've been done so I went out to check and discovered the temp file hassle that I mentioned. anyway, it's all taken care of now. I set it to do another scan while I was at the coffeeshop, but that didn't work. I ran into chris on my way back from the coffeeshop and he was looking for a serial number for stuffit, I hunted around trying to solve that for a little while, downloading both stuffit and a keygenerator via limewire. and then finally being allowed to delete the problematic temp file, after having downloaded several other spyfighter type programs, which I ended up not even having to install, but i guess it's good to have the around for later. the culprit of this whole thing seems to be somebody trying to sell a program package called ebloc, which includes programs called spyblocs, pop-up blocs, and spamblocs, they want to sell you all this for $54.95, so as they install the intrusive virus which changes internet settings they also load shortcuts on the machine to lead you to there product to solve the problem that they made. I mention it in case spomebody happens to find this blog while searching for info about eblocs, just so you know there are plenty of free spyware removal programs out there. go here for a good list, don't get overwhelmed by the tech talk, just scroll down and look for the programs and try them until one works for you, probably the first will work.

enough of that little rant. it looks like it's clearing up, maybe I'll get a swim in yet. I guess the day's lost worktime will get made up by skipping drawing tonight (tim's got plans), although that means I'm skipping drawing... but that's ok, I spose.

Monday, September 19, 2005

well, I don't know what to say about hector. it's heartbreaking to think about somebody I care about having suffered while I didn't know... I don't know what any of us could have done... clearly there were people around hector who loved and cared about him and nevertheless were unable to help him overcome his demons... I don't know... it is just horribly tragic... there is nothing good about an untimely death. there are bright sides always, but brightsides are relative and do not make a curtained room sunny.

I had similar feelings of, "I wish I had known" when mark called to tell me his news last week... I guess I can at least be glad that, although mark's had a rough year, the results are not as tragic as they have become with hector.

I appreciate my friends and my good fortune and my peace of mind. and speaking of which, things seem pretty much back to normal with aliza. I'm very glad, last week was no fun. she showed up to the coffeeshop this afternoon and then I went with her back to her place for dinner. it was a nice evening and I felt close to her and comfortable with her and appreciative of her friendship. she seemed more relaxed than she had all this past week and it felt good to be with her.

I took more photos of figure drawings today, I'll try to get them webready tomorrow. I already know that I'm not going drawing tomorrow because tim's got dinner plans and I still can't carry my big drawing board on my bike. that'll give me all this week to catch up. I've got lots of other stuff to work on with the website anyway and I oughtta try to finish up the eve paintings anyway.

I went to breakfast with susan this morning. she had a good time at her greeen yoga conference. sounds like it was a good experience and a fun adventure. I really value my friendship with her and the conversations we have... I'm very lucky and it's not just because of hector that I'm counting my blessings and appreciating my friends... but maybe it is... or at least it's him that's reminding me to.

I remember hector and pesha walking into the HOT carrying their stainless steel to go coffee mugs, I remember thinking, "wow, look how cool they are!" he seemed so happy back then.

I was probably at the HOT with susan when he died today.

I went to the beach and went swimming for the first time in over a week. I keep psyching myself out, thinking that it's too cold to go, when really it's just my apartment and patio that are cool, the rest of venice really still heats up during the day... it'll be fall in a couple days though and the weather really does change, although it's more noticeable because of the light and the length of day and the smell, but there is definitely an autumnal feel to venice when the season turns. I think I'll still be able to swim for awhile though.

I made hector a saint a few years ago from a photo I took at the 2001 moby dick reading. I emailed it to him, but never got around to posting it on the website until just now.
so, I'm gradually catching up here after slipping over the weekend. yesterday morning___ that's sunday I was laying in bed deciding whether or not I wanted to get up. I had ended up being kinda wide awake, I don't know why, the night before and didn't get to sleep until after three. I tried eating thinking that was it, but all there was around were the leftover extra-peppery eggs and corn chips, not bad really___ I added a couple more eggs, which cut down the egg:pepper ratio and although they were still pretty peppery, they were pretty good too... never hurts to bulk up on the courage I say. anyway, there I was after just four or so hours of sleep and the phone rang__ I expected aliza this time, figured she was up early and ready for an acai bowl___ but no way, it was DOM! I was very glad to hear from her after about two months of silence all summer long after we'd started off so well with snailmail collaborative collages and online scrabble after her briefy inandout visit that one unexpected morning whenever that was... anyway, dom called and we had a nice long gettin' caught up kinda chat and that was a great way to start the day... that's how every sunday should start.

after talking with dom I checked email and did computer stuff for about an hour until ten and then called aliza for breakfast. we met over at westminster by the beach and had breakfast and talked and then she went off to a busy day of school openhouse preparation and photography lesson. I headed home and worked on the website, got the figure drawings up, was too distracted to remember to turn on the audiobook for the first few hours, but finally started playing it when dov stopped over because I was telling him about how cool I thought audiobooks were.

somewhere along in the middle of the afternoon, michelle called to see what was goin' on and to mention she felt like eating mexican food... it didn't really sink into me until later when I found myself hungry, that she had mentioned mexican food and that was sounding pretty good to me, and so I called her back to see if she'd already eaten and if not, where she was thinkin' of going (I was guessing don pedro's, but was hoping la cabana__ I think michelle doesn't like la cabana though), but she didn't answer. she called back a few minutes later though and told me she was on her way to check out whether a neighbor's dog had had all its shots because marcus had just gotten bit while he was out taking madddie for a walk... she also said that she'd made mexican food at home, had made lots, and I should come over and eat, but she'd call me back after the marcus/dogbite thing was sorted out. the short version is that marcus is fine and the food was good and michelle and I had fun and she's easy to talk to as always and I appreciate that about michelle... the end.

got home around 8pm and watched lord of the rings, the two towers on channel 5, which I suddenly get with pretty good reception. I was beat after my short night's sleep, but managed to stay awake and be entertained through the movie, although it was kinda heavy on action and weak on plot... but that's ok, what do I really expect anyway?

that's it for now, I had breakfast with susan this morning, but I'll write about that later.
so after making maggie her hope and courage shakers, I got back to work on the figure drawings which are online now and viewable here. I spent most of the day working on getting those ready for the website and listening to dh lawrence. grace came over around 3:30 or 4 and we just hung out and caught up with each other. then we watched movie trailers online, which was fun, she knows about movies I might not otherwise consider.

just as we were about to head over to scotty's aliza called and sounded like she was over being mad at me and wanted to know if I'd meet her for coffee, I told her grace was with me and that we'd both come over to the coffeeshop. we went over and grace and aliza talked since they hadn't seen each other in months and months and mostly keep up through me. aliza had an appointment at 6:30, but decided to come over to scotty's for a little bit beforehand. we got there and found lots of my ex-students and a handful of parents and it was great to see everybody. I kinda got swept into several conversations and grace and aliza went off on there own. after awhile I saw aliza heading for the door and she said to me, "I'll be back in a little while." which I was glad about, but also suspected wouldn't happen. an hour or so later I noticed that she hadn't returned and figured that she probably wouldn't, if she hadn't gotten back by then. a little after that (I had spent most of the time sitting and talking with ashly, whom I love and hadn't seen since the end of june, it was great to see her, hear about her life and her new school, etc.) grace came up and asked when I thought aliza would show back up, I told her she might not, but grace said that aliza had told her about the crawfish party across the street from her house and said that she'd come back and take her to hear the bands... so I thought, "oh well, that does sound like she really will make it," because I didn't think she'd flake on grace. anyway, grace handed me her phone and asked me to call... so I did and I left a message. a little later that scenario repeated and I left another messsage. finally aliza called back, she was already at the second party and was having slight mixed feelings about bringing a fifteen year old girl to it. I told her I thought it was fine and so we agreed I'd bring grace over and meet aliza there. I invited ashly and ben along, but ashly declined. grace, ben and I all went over. we found aliza and she and grace headed off to find crawfish (after the band finished, we got there only in time to hear about two songs) while ben and I stayed and talked about his summer trip to spain.

eventually ben and I went looking for the girls and found them by the crawfish table. grace was devouring them enthusiastically and amassing an impressive pyramid of exoskeletons in front of her. aliza was mostly just making sure that any guys who might be tempted to check grace out knew that she was fifteen and off limits. we stood around and watched grace eat, ben went and got her bottled water at one point and grace appreciated his willing subservience.

finally grace finished her conquest (of the crawfish that is) and we lingered for awhile, but before too long, decided to head back to scotty's. said goodnight to aliza__ things seemed on good terms, but definitely a residual uncomfortable rift from this past week's disconnectednesss. I don't know if I'll ever have a clear picture of how that whole situation appeared from aliza's point of view, but we seem to be on the road to recovery... (?).

back at scott's we hung out and watched old performance videos. gradually people left. I stuck around pretty much just to make sure that grace figured out a place to stay for the night. she had called mike and asked him if she could sleep over at a friend's, but hadn't arranged a friend's to sleep over at... eventually everybody had left the party except me, grace and ben. scotty offered to drive grace and ben home (and me for that matter, but I said I'd walk) and so that solved that.

at home, I had a phone message that michelle had left around 6pm saying she was bored, so I called her back but just left a message. I fiddled around on the computer a bit, chess, scrabble, whatnot and the phone rang__ I was sure it was michelle since I'd just called her, but it was aliza. we talked a bit, but to no end... I don't quite get it, but it was nice that she called. we agreed to have an acai bowl at the place on westminster in the morning.

Sunday, September 18, 2005


friday night I went over to michelle's and drank some beers with her and her roommate chris___ well michelle was drinking wine I guess. it was fun, we just talked and drank and relaxed. I was home fairly early, made some eggs, which I accidently dumped a bunch of pepper into because the lid fell off the shaker, so I scooped what pepper out I could and added more eggs to try to make the proportions more evenly balanced, which helped I suppose, but they were still pretty spicy and too many too eat, so I wrapped the dish with the leftovers in a plastic bag and put them in the fridge and went to bed.

I woke up around four again and my mind was wide awake. I got up and checked my email and found that lucy had made a chess move, so I made a move and then went back to bed. I got to sleep fairly easily by five and then slept for a few hours. I got up and went over to the coffeeshop, found michelle there, tad showed up and then luigi. after coffee I swung by the anya/pesha/maggie yardsale which they had set up over in the electric lodge parking lot. maggie put in a request for hope and courage salt and pepper shakers because it turns out that she'd recently inherited a collection of old s&p shakers and had been adding to the collection with her own acquisitions___ anyway, I went home and made her some because I had the materials on hand... I'll try to explain the background on this sometime, but I'm in a bit of a hurry now. actually, maybe instead of rushing through this I should just finish later.

__________________________________________

alright, so here's the story about the hope and courage shakers:

several years ago, I suppose it must've been the autumn of 2001 because I was working on that group of paintings, I mentioned to my friend tim that I had narrowed down the important things to color, love, hope and time. that sparked a conversation dealing with each of those words/ideas. during the course of the talk, tim asked if I'd ever seen his "hope" sculpture and I said I hadn't. he told me that he had made it when his children were young, it had been created by his having glued a piece of paper with the word "hope" onto a salt shaker, that way as his family had dinner each night, they could sprinkle a bit of hope on their food.

I was really taken by his idea, I loved the idea of being able to sprinkle hope onto our food... as a supplement sort of, an addition to our diet, something to soothe us if we found ourselves with a lack of hope... a curative for an anemia of hope maybe.

sometime later, I decided to make my own salt shakers. I guess it was the following spring. by that point the weekly rudnick family dinners had become firmly established and I attended them religiously. they were rotatingly prepared and anya and I had agreed to make ravioli one week. to accompany the meal I planned to provide shakers for everybody. I went to the store and found cylindrical cardboard disposable shakers, prefilled with salt and pepper. I didn't need the pepper shakers, but they came with the salt and so I wound up with them. it seemed silly to waste the pepper, but I didn't know what label to put on them. I puzzled over it for several days and finally one morning was mentioning my dilemma to a couple of my students (I had begun teaching art at G of A by then). one of the students was grace, who had already proven hersel to me as being brilliant and so I kind of expected her to come up with a good suggestion. the other student, jasmine, was a nice girl but more conventional in her insights and given to superficial and material concerns (both were about 11 years old). anyway, it was jasmine, who surpised and impressed me by without hesitation suggested "courage" as the appropriate label for pepper, and I instantly knew she was exactly right and so, "courage" it was.

I made the shakers and they were well recieved at dinner and I also made a set for jasmine. those original shakers gradually evolved, until the following christmas when I made new sets for everybody, this time glass shakers accompanied by decorative bottles of olive oil and balsamic vinegar which I'd labeled "love" and "tolerance".

when I took the shakers over to maggie, anya mentioned that her friend helen wanted some too, which I'd known before, but have forgotten to ever get around to... so I've got to remember to do that... maybe today. got to get to emily's prints and a letter to harold too.

alright, it's sunday morning and I've missed updating for a couple days, not that it matters so much, but I'd like to get this into my routine.

went to sleep shortly after fixing my clock thursday night around midnight, woke up at four and was wide awake and preoccupied trying to figure out the aliza thing___ what I should do about it... not really, I knew there was nothing to do, but I hate unresolved conflict and it was frustrating to have her mad at me and not know how to fix it and to know that there was nothing that I could do except wait and yet want to do something and feel that there must be something to do... anyway that was what was on my mind and I was awake until about seven and then I finally fell into a really deep almost druglike sleep and had strange dreams that I've forgotten now except for the memory that they were strange___ in one I discovered that not only did I have a thick covering of hair on my back and shoulders which I'd never noticed, but also it was turning gray...

I woke up at ten, which is way later than I'm used to sleeping and that kinda got my day started off strangely. I had a pretty productive day though and had arrived at an acceptance (if not an embrasure) of the aliza situation... but still felt a horrible sinking feeling of loss and dread that I'd somehow lost a friendship and was powerless to rebuild it... although I also knew that that is really my own insecurity, fear, hangup speaking and that friendships aren't as fragile as they sometimes seem... nevertheless, knowing that and feeling that are different things. but anyway I was feeling more comfortable and so, less preoccupied.

I took more photos of figure drawings, outside on the street where the sun could shine directly on them___ that made for better lighting, which translated to less reworking later, but the downside was that I had to fight the wind which kept blowing them away before I could snap the shot... it was a little frustrating, but not too bad.

I then spent the rest of the afternoon optimizing them for the web and listening to the audiobook version of dh lawrence's women in love, which I'd downloaded from the library___ I'm really getting into these audiobooks, while I work on the computer, it's fun and I have never gotten around to reading lawrence and it turns out he's really good and thought provoking___ the book is largely dialogue and the conversations are interesting and relevant, despite the book being nearly a century old... the world doesn't change as much as it sometimes seems.

at 5pm (friday still) I went over to the coffeeshop and read for awhile because tim wasn't there, he showed up at about quarter to six, just as I was leaving and gave me some sad and troubling news about a friend of ours, which maybe I'll go into later but not now... but it was the kind of news that is just tragic and hirrific, but of course has the accompanying affect of reminding us to appreciate life and its beauty and our friends. the whole day of friday was one that was sort of about acceptance, love, appreciation___ not bad at all, despite the struggles... or maybe because of them (ian might suggest).

Thursday, September 15, 2005

I got my clock to work, wasn't too hard once I decided to do it. every other time the power has gone out it has reset itself, but for some reason this time it wouldn't/couldn't do it, but it was really pretty straight forward once I gave up on the auto setting.
it's the 15th and so that means that the first thing I did this morning was the gotta have it consignment update, which is the last bit of work that I still do for the shop. This might be the last month I do that, I think it's time I hand it over to sara... but we'll see. handing it over would mean training her and I wonder when I'll get around to doing that.

aliza'a mad at me and there's nothing I can do about it and that makes me sad... that's all I've got on that one.

On a happier note, nobody else seems mad at me, so that's good. the gotta have it stuff went pretty quickly today. I also had to pay some of denise's bills, which I just realized I forgot to mail, I'll have to remember to do it tomorrow. I also forgot to email denise photos she asked me to take of the store and her apartment, maybe I'll do that still tonight. I still haven't printed those things for emily or written my grandfather___ I've really got to stop procrastinating on those. The really cool thing today was that after I got home from taking the photos for denise I decided that as long as I had the camera out I'd try taking photos of some of my drawings from the other night. they came out pretty well, not great but good enough for the web and way easier than scanning them in six sections and then putting them back together in photoshop, which is what I've done before. most of the time anymore I draw on smaller paper just so I won't have to go through that process, but with the figure drawing it's nice to work bigger, especially since I've been using crayons and the width of line they make is more manageable on 18x24" paper. So I'm happy about the potential for adding figure drawings to my website___ there's a sample here and also I added one to tuesday night's entry, so you can scroll down for that one if you want.

I wish aliza wasn't mad at me.

I wish I could figure out how to reset my vcr clock, it hasn't worked since the power outage a few days ago. I've probably got more of a chance of getting that wish fulfilled than the first one which seems like it will take more time... if I get the clock working I'll be able to figure out how much time it takes... maybe.

I began listening to the audiobook of dh lawrence's women in love while I was working on the website today__ it's pretty good so far, I've never read it, although I might have to at some point, because I don't always pay close attention while the audiobook plays.

The photos of the drawings still take some cleaning up and optimizing to get them webready, but like I mentioned it's a lot easier than the other way___ although the image quality isn't as good, but that's the trade off.

talked with michelle on the phone for awhile and then talked with aliza briefly. michelle and I amused ourselves looking through potential partners on match.com; pretty slim pickins from the looks of it. the conversation with aliza was just sorta uncomfortable and distant.

I should eat dinner, but I'm not really too enthusiastic about it.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

went to taco night at don antonio's with michelle, marcus and john. aliza was supposed to go but didn't, hmmm... I ate three bean tacos and they were so good that I ordered one more... yum! I also had a bohemia to wash it all down and that was yummy too!

I finally got the 2001 paintings posted and they look pretty good, although I have a page (notecard actually) full of corrections that I missed. most of the shots look good, but the last couple are kinda bluish and adjusting the hue didn't fix it, the original shots were way off, maybe one of these days I'll get around to retaking them... but there are 54 images and so, just having two (maybe 3 or 4) that I'm not satisfied with is pretty good. I took the photos four years ago (almost) right before I started teaching, I remember one of the days was windy and kinda dark, I almost think I got rained out... anyway, the colors kinda off on the ones that are at the very bottom of the page, you'll see it when you get there. click here.

I've still got to update the newstuff page and brag about all the additions I've made to the site this week. the past five years are in pretty good shape, things get a little dodgey after that though, with pages bouncing back and forth between the old site and the new site. it's not really so bad as long as you use the back button on the browser instead of the onsite navigation...

denise called from england today, it was good to talk with her. they've apparently painted her place here, I told her I'd take some photos, gotta remember to do that tomorrow. tomorrow's the 15th, that means consignment update first thing in the morning, I hope that doesn't take too long... this might be the last time I do that... we'll see.

now that I've got the 2001 paintings pretty much finished, I'm not sure what the next step is with the site. I've still got plenty of things to post, but I've also got all those early years to organize... we'll see what happens, I suppose.

here's an excerpt from a comment I made to bruce with an online chess move today, I think there's something to it and so I just want to save it here where I can find it... tried expressing it to susan at breakfast yesterday, but we got sidetracked___ anyway, here it is and then I'm gonna go:

the internet is literally (and virtually) our means of connection in an
otherwise alienating, fragmented and disconnected world... in an odd marriage of
technology and humanism it allows us a release from separation and exclusion,
which is a pretty fair parallel/substitute (at least) of love. interesting to
think of the internet as the vehicle throughwhich our needs for love and
connection are met... but there you have it... I remember being in turkey in
1987... or even denver in 1994, I was out of contact with everybody I knew (well
I used to call my parents from denver, but not from turkey) for months and
months___ anything could've happened and I wouldn't have known... these days
it's hard to imagine. I assume I'll find an internet connection if I wind up in
guatemala in march... but I don't know.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

back from drawing. the model turned out to be pretty good, the early poses weren't really doin' it for me, but towards the end I had some good angles and I suppose I was gettin used to her, I hadn't drawn her before tonight. I'm gonna work on the website a little bit, I'll try to get the 2001 paintings up tonight, if not then tomorrow for sure.

It's a couple days later and it seems like cheating to add stuff here, but I suppose it doesn't really matter. I had to take some photos today, and while I had the camera out I figured I'd give photoing some of the figure drawings from the other night a try. it worked pretty well, not great, but better than nothing and tremendously easier than scanning the 18x24" sheets in six parts and then piecing the scans together in photoshop, which is why I tend to skip posting drawings larger than 8½x11. So, I'm glad about that, I'll start taking shots of some of my drawings, they'll wind up on my website sometime soon.

well, yesterday kinda got away from me; as I was working away, I noticed that I'd neglected to plug in my computer so I was running on battery, no big deal, I went ahead and waited until I was below 10% charge and then plugged in. but the machine kept running on battery... I couldn't figure it out and then the next thing I knew it went into hibernation and wouldn't start back up, well it turns out that all of LA was having a power outtage and that was the problem. my problem though was that in an effort to restart I had accidentally turned off my wireless and so I couldn't figure out how to get back online___ and foolishly thought it had something to do with the power outage, when it was really that I'd just hit a button I didn't know about... oh well. didn't figure it out until this morning. I had kinda figured it would fix itself by morninig and then when it didn't I took steps to repair... oh well, spo that's why I didn't write last night, I really hope to hold myself to at least daily entries here, just for the practice of it.

Last night I went for a drink at hal's with aliza early and then over to rudnick family dinner. this morning I had breakfast with susan who's back from hawaii probably 'til the end of the month. I'm in a hurry now because it's drawing night at the ywca and I'm heading over there with tim as soon as he picks me up which could be any minute. I spent the day today and most of yesterday getting the pics of the 2001 paintings webready; I think they're all done, but I'm gonna have to get them up just to check to see if I missed any___ they're kinda disorganized. ok gotta go, more later.

Sunday, September 11, 2005


well, I didn't get much of anything done today, but I had fun. ended up going for a drink with aliza late last night over at the other room, which wasn't as obnoxiously crowded as I would've feared for a saturday night. she called this morning, just as I was thinking about waking up and we decided to meet at the coffeeshop. so, I walked over there, found michelle and met a guy named julien, who later sent me a nice email after checking out my website. aliza arrived, she michelle and I all talked for awhile, shayne came in and talked fashion with the girls.

aliza and I then headed off to the venice pier to shoot video. on the way we stopped at ananda to browse. I really had to pee, so I went ahead to my place, while she shopped. once relieved, I doubled back and found her trying on clothes, she ended up buying two skirts and two tops, all looked good on her. then we swung back by my place, dropped her shopping off and walked through the canals to the pier. we shot some fishermen fishing, some kids playing and eating, and an icecream man selling la paletas (sp?). I think leez got some footage of a fella yellow-highlighting most of his already well highlit bible.

then we spent awhile layin' around on the beach talking and tanning (while aliza intermittently text-messaged her friend alexis in ny). we stopped off at gotta have it to pee and check the state of my office, which is still a mess. talked with eddy and met his friends, he said it had been a painfully slow day, but he was dealin'. then back to my place to pick up aliza's stuff and then over to her place where she fed me a pita sandwich and olives (oh, I forgot to mention the pineapple popsicle (paletas) she bought me on the pier, 'leeza was feedin' me well today) and then we laid around in her room and watched a dvd on her computer___ the kid stays in the picture (about robert evans, it was pretty good).

now I'm back here, got online, made a chess move, a jamble move and a scrabble move, answered a couple emails briefly and typed this. bryce and dan just called___ back from their weekend at the cabin with scotty. I think I'm gonna make a little sumpin for a snack and go to bed... ahhh tomorrow begins another week of unemployment! I've got it sooo good! i love my life. tomorrow I will get to the 2001 paintings and maybe even emily's prints... gotta get up to staples to buy paper for that, but I've gotta go to the bank anyway so it all works... gotta call vic and get my paycheck too.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

I've been trying to figure out what all I can do with the formatting on this page, haven't figured out much, I'll tell you that, but it looks like putting a picture in is pretty straight forward. this is one of the series, 14 Questions for Eve that I've been working on lately. you can see more of 'em at my website.

ok, tomorrow I'm gonna have to get back to work on the website. I need to get the 2001 burlap pieces webready and post them and I should update the photo section so it doesn't lead back into the old site. I told you this was gonna be boring stuff.

I just noticed that lucy made a scrabble move a couple hours ago, I think I'll go make a move and then read in bed for awhile. I'm really just typing this now to take up space to see what the text looks like next to the picture. I wish I could figure out how to make this whole table white, I wonder if I should switch to a whole different template, that's probably the trick.
well here's the plan, I'm gonna try using this as a journal of daily stuff, pretty uninteresting, but it'll help me to keep track and I might as well do it in public if for no other reason than that it will give me a little incentive if I feel like others are watching. at the same time I plan on trying to make some sense of the notes I've been taking over the past few years, but I think I'll use the ramblings page on my website for that. how's that for organization?

today's saturday and it's a good one. everyday is good these days because I get to do whatever I want because I'm not working and I love not working because there's so much to do that isn't work... and the stuff that isn't work is always more fun than the stuff that is work... although sometimes a job can inadvertently be fun, but I think that maybe then it magically becomes, "not work."

I warned you... ok, maybe I didn't but this stuff is really just goofy meaningless unedited brain pourings for the sake of maybe winding up with a couple of worthwhile thoughts in the end.

I went to a party/artshow at regan's studio last night. went with aliza and michelle, which was unique because usually it would be one or the other, but after years of hearing about each other they are finally getting together and seem to like it. it's good for me because I need to get over my tendency to compartmentalize my friend groups, it's kinda nice having everybody together, although I admit that I still like it better one on one.

got up early, went to the office, which I've been avoiding because it's a mess, filled with all the miscellany from the shop renovation/redecoration that's been going on for the past few weeks. I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe sara thinks I'm gonna do something with all the clutter and I've been assuming all along that she would get to it... there might be a communication breakdown there; I'll have to talk to her I guess. anyway I stopped in and did a few things. what I did not do is print off the stuff for emily which is a project that I've procrastinated on for way too long, but it seems that something is always standing in its way. tomorrow I need to get up to the store and buy 28lb copy paper and just print the things off with that, I wanted to use nice heavy good paper, but I can't get it reliably through my printer these days... so I've finally decided to just uses normal paper. I was set to do it a month ago, but then I ran out of colored ink...grrr, like I said, it's always something.

after that I came home and thought about going to the coffeeshop, but then I remembered the weekend crowds and decided to skip it. got back into bed, well not really, because I had already made it, so I just laid down on top and pulled my orange afghan over me and snoozed and read for awhile. then I got online and searched the lapl site for books about pirates, but got sidetracked learning about downloadable audio books, which is kinda neat, but it takes awhile to download them and so that kinda tied up my computer for awhile because even though my machine probably coulda handled it, I was afraid to do any work because I didn't want to have to deal with crashes, really I was probably just being a bit lazy. so what I ended up doing was browsing through the lapl photo collection, which is pretty cool and a good source for images and then watching a movie called, a love song for bobby long with john travolta and scarlet johanson; I got a little teary-eyed, but I'm a wuss like that with movies. did I mention that scarlet johanson is hot? you probably already knew that.

after the movie, I went for a bike ride. I dropped off a few dvd's over at aliza's because she had called earlier and said she thought she was getting a cold. I spoke with her later and she sounds like she's feeling better but was glad for the movies. michelle's going to dinner with jordanna and asked me if I wanted to come along, but I don't think I do. I went to the coffeeshop around five and read there 'til six, it's the weekend and tim doesn't usually show up on the weekends and so he wasn't there. the coffee woke me up though, which was good, because I was draggin.

that's enough for now.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

3rd

time's a charm.

second test

just a second test.

first test

just a test.