martes 4 abril

martes 4 abril

I did all my really productive work this morning before I got up. hmmm. there’s not a lot of point to getting going before seven down here… don’t know if there ever is elsewhere either, unless you’ve got cows to milk… but I often am awake before that, and have tried starting the morning early, but the reassuring truth seems to be that just about everything can wait until after seven___ and, the breakfast spot I’ve mentioned doesn’t open until then and even if it did, it would be too chilly for comfort, the sun not having ascended above the volcano. I just mention this, because all of these factors were playing a role as I lay there deciding to keep my eyes closed and my body buried beneath my cozy blankets, while I gave consideration to our world, our concerns, and my future paintings this morning. the question that was in my mind, as I slowly slalomed back and forth between wakefulness and not, was this – when did the violence start? if you’ve been reading this, you know that my thoughts have been turning to “violence” lately and I’ve spent a fair amount of time considering its nature, and the role it plays in the way human beings live and interact. so, this morning, I finally got around to wondering about it’s roots. at what point did man first turn his aggression against his fellow man? at one point in our evolution did violence move from hunting to killing/murder? early on assuredly. chimpanzees have wars if I remember my jane goodall accurately, and on that point, I’m sure I do. I’m not sure if they eat the victims, but as I recall___ whether or not they do, the observations miss goodall made, made it clear that these were wars (I think territorially related – don’t quote me on that though) not hunting expeditions. so we can guess that proto homo sapiens, and probably even proto hominids had developed violent traits which they inflicted on their own species for reasons other than cannibalism. what about other animals?… I don’t know… what drives them to violence?… is it only predation? I don’t know… but I’m getting ahead of myself, I probably ought to do you a favor and rewrite these things sometime, so it wouldn’t be all jumbled up and disorganized… I’m sure you’re all skimming over this stuff anyway, looking for the action… “yeah, yeah, joe, enough of this pondering mankind’s inhumanity, what about the girls, man, the girls?”

anyway, as I was lying there with my eyes closed this morning, and thinking about the roots of violence, I suddenly laughed out loud at the startling (to me, anyway) realization of the archetypal story related to this question. I’ve spent most of the past two and a half years contemplating eve and the significance of that story, and her character, to our contemporary emotional being. and now, having completed that to a degree that allows me to move on, I’ve spent the last couple months focusing more and more on why we as humans seem intent on hurting each other and exerting our influence through violent means… these two themes, on first inspection, would seem to be worlds apart from each other___ and they definitely seemed so to me (and I was pretty smugly pleased with the breakaway step I was taking to tackle such an unrelated topic) until of course this morning when, in a flash, it dawned on me that I had only moved as far as from the apple and expulsion, to the violence and aggression of eve’s male offspring. cain’s killing of his brother is of course where my theme begins. so I really don’t seem to have leaped very far at all. and not only that, but I seem to be simply treading a path that is so well beaten that it’s written right into our cultural texts… makes me really wonder what a slave I am to this paradigm I’ve grown up with… and whether there’s any way to break free… and for that matter, any need to…

and it doesn’t mean that the Christians don’t still piss me off when I read the news__ not to mention those others of us that trace our common cultural roots back to eve and the boys___ and let’s remember that the impetus of this whole line of questioning were those Christians in northern Africa (right before I headed down here and began my current neglect of current events) who went on a rampage, rioting and killing the muslims that had gone on a rampage, rioting and killing the Christians because of pent up anger and frustration unleashed by a series of Danish cartoons… hmmm, well more of that later. for now, I think I’ll call it a night… well, not a night, but a late afternoon early evening, time for a beer and a movie sorta thing.

I hope you are all anger and fear free and enjoying a peaceful period of non-violence.

buenas noches.

miercoles, 5 abril

of course I’ve been thinking about this violence thing for longer than just two months, but it’s only been recently that it’s moved to the forefront of my thoughts, so to speak.

it wasn’t really until shortly after the world trade centers were destroyed that I recognized the extent of my pacifism. so many people, even in Venice, were filled with a sort of fear-driven furor, calling for a violent response to that violent act. I remember being immediately and completely certain that there was no way that violence would solve the problem and no justification for retaliation. I’m still shocked by the fact that never has anybody in a position of leadership looked for the underlying motive and cause of the wtc attack. dismissing it as an act of “evil doers” and then looking no further into it, is so childishly simplistic to me that it’s done more than anything else to disillusion me about the abilities of our leaders.

so, the northern africa thing after the danish cartoon riots was really just the culminating event… the straw breaking the bactrian back perhaps, or possibly the broken back itself… I guess the camel back was my unconscious awareness of all this violence which had become overfilled and needed to burst like over-filled balloon or floodgate – choose you simile… either way the stupidity of it all finally proclaimed itself to my consciousness along with the apparent inseparability of humanity and self immolating violence. earlier and heavier straws had already been loaded; the war to root out the mythic wmd’s or the destruction of the wtc, or maybe we can trace straws throughout our collective history all the way back to abel and cain, but somewhere along the line violence began and then sometime later, I took notice of it and wondered why it keeps recurring, despite it’s lack of success… why do we repeat the same unsuccessful cycles over and over again? that’s the question… and of course the even bigger one is… must we continue? is violence an essential and inseparable human trait or can we out grow it? the obvious answer is that it could never be eradicated, but on closer thought, I know a lot of people, who in normal circumstances are not prone to violence… there are factors that lead human beings to violence… can we do away with violence by doing away with those causative factors? maybe so.

gonna go over to a place called the allegre pub… maybe tomorrow I’ll write about something more interesting… and then again, maybe not.

jueves, 6 abril

just as I was thinking that maybe no clarity was going to come during my waking ritual this morning, my thoughts wandered back to the question of poverty and opportunity that I think I at least mentioned some time ago in this blog (just did a quick search for the keyword “options” and found it at the bottom of the 21 marzo entry). the crux of the problem was the relationship between the wealth of options balanced against the burden of choosing among them in our pursuit of the most worthwhile existence. the solution seems (and has to me for quite awhile) to point toward the necessity for arbitrary decision making and making the most out of whatever situation those arbitrary decisions plunk you down in, but the chaotic and pointless nature of that viewpoint doesn’t rest easily with me because it leads too readily towards hopelessness and nihilism.

but this morning there was a bit of clarity and let me see if I can backtrack a bit and try retracing my thoughtsteps.

1. lack of money (physical wealth) is often seen as a direct cause of unhappiness


2. this is as fallacious as the commonly held belief that the presence of money (physical wealth) is a direct cause of happiness.


3. because of these two beliefs, people often try to acquire money in order to attain happiness, and they try to avoid its lack, for the sake of avoiding unhappiness.


4. rather than being directly connected to material riches, wealth and poverty are in fact, more closely related to the presence or lack of opportunity and choice.


5. wealth is the


6. poverty is the lack of opportunity or the inability to see or act on opportunity.


7. the confusion that causes the beliefs mentioned in statements 1 and 2 above, is because opportunity often travels hand in hand with physical wealth.


8. the danger hidden in the beliefs mentioned in statements 1 and 2 above, is the expectation that the acquisition of physical wealth will lead directly to happiness – and the discouragement and disappointment experienced when it doesn’t. similarly there is the dilemma of, the expectation that poverty can be solved with the dispersment of physical wealth alone__ and the related disappointment that accompanies its failure to do so.


9. so to paraphrase summarily, we have at this point concluded that money cannot buy happiness, but that opportunity can


10. now the puzzle that I mentioned on march 21st centered around the question of (and if you’ve been following the above statements you’ll see that I’ve already added the necessary qualifiers to solve the puzzle – qualifiers that hadn’t occurred to me a few weeks ago) this; if the presence of opportunity relates directly to happiness (a sense of fulfillment or worth) why is it that an over abundance of opportunity can cause exasperation___ it seemed that too many options simply become overwhelmingly frustrating in the face of the knowledge that they cannot all be pursued.


11. my realization this morning centered around the idea that opportunity itself is not what brings us wealth, it’s the (as stated in statement 5 above) possession of opportunity along with the ability to perceive and act on that opportunity.


12. if overwhelmed by too many choices and unable to choose from among them, then we are as impoverished as if we had no choices or awareness of them at all.


13. we must have the ability to choose decisively in order to attain true wealth (happiness/fulfillment/etc.).

along this line of thought there is also the interesting situation, that I haven’t worked into the above (but is present just slightly beneath the surface), of seeing opportunity held by others (but not by ourselves) and the manner in which that vision affects us. an awareness of others’ opportunities can blind us to our own___ that is the sin of covetousness___ there is of course nothing wrong in covetousness itself, but the discontentedness connected with it stands in the way of our own acquisition of joy. that’s the part of this that I find very important and pertinent, because before coming down here, I felt myself surrounded by discontentedness___ discontentedness seemed to be pandemic throughout my community and the society itself. by coming down here, I hoped to find a society far enough removed from ours that it would exhibit an immunity to the plague of discontentment back home. I was hopeful of this because of the experience of having perceived the people in turkey when I was there, who had been removed from the temptations of western rags to riches dreams, seeming to have a greater degree of contentment than what I was accustomed to witnessing. but having come down here, what I’ve really observed is more discontentment, which I think is probably caused by a combination of limited opportunity combined with (through the presence of tourism and satellite tv) an awareness of the unshared opportunities had by others. I don’t think this makes tourism or satellite tv bad, it simply makes happiness more of a struggle to attain… these obstacles along the road distract us from the destination… or the awareness that we’ve already arrived.

viernes, 7 abril

gerri’s thirty five, paul gritsch is two-fifths that… together they appear to be a perfect square. good thing they’re not together, I guess.

I, on the other hand, am halfway between gerri’s age and her and paul’s combined total… but less than three months away from moving from an age divisible by seven to one that’s only divisible by itself… back into my prime so to speak.

you know, I can’t imagine that the second half of this trip can be as productive as the first… but who knows really what’s to come? I don’t think I really needed the full three months, but I’m glad I’m taking them, if for no other reason than to have had the need to return so distant that it’s given me an unhurried period of reflection.

here I am though, not yet six weeks into my adventure and I’ve pretty much accomplished all (and more) of what I set out to do. significantly, I’ve come to terms with both sex and money issues and feel comfortable and positive with both; I’ve had groundbreaking insights into love and relationships and my own past five years of avoidance; I’ve made outlines of what are likely to be the next two groups of paintings and begun considering how to accomplish those goals profitably; I’ve begun several amusing side projects and have made progress in Spanish__ even if I haven’t attained the level of proficiency I might like…; I’ve read several pretty good books___ it’s been a good period, and I do wonder what the second half of the trip will hold for me___ it will likely be very different, with a lot more moving around and, I suppose, looking into the past… what with mayan ruins and all.

the question I woke up with this morning had to do with why it is that I feel compelled to even puzzle out this violence thing… what draws me to it? and really, the even more compelling question for right now is, what drew me to the eve paintings? I’ve wondered that for quite awhile and still don’t quite feel content with the answer… why do I concern myself with the unhappiness and discontentedness and shame of others?… am I projecting my own unhappiness, etc. onto others and trying to heal myself through them?… I really don’t think that’s it… but am I trying to heal myself through healing them? that might be closer to it and even more embarrassing somehow (did you know that the Spanish verb to become pregnant is embarazar? or that pregnancy is embarazo, and pregnant is embarazada? that’s very strange to me) what am I trying to heal myself from? am I simply tring to find meaning in my life and does some part of me believe that meaningfulness lies hidden in these goals? maybe… maybe… I guess maybe this’ll give me something to ponder during the coming weeks, since I’ve already taken care of all this other stuff.

it wouldn’t hurt me to do some drawing to, I’ve been doing more writing and photoing than drawing since I’ve been down here.

____________________

later, still friday and about to post this. the good news is that I feel quite a bit better today, I don’t think I mentioned thaqt yesterday I was afraid I was coming down with something, but I think it’s an air quality issue rather than a viral one. hard to tell, slight sore throat and a little congestion… but don’t reallt feel sick… although yesterday did feel kinda feverish at one point… oh well, the main thing is that I’ve felt pretty good today.

so that was the good news. the bad news is that my camera is broken, or at least the memory card is kaput. that’s a drag because I’ve really been enjoying taking photos, although I was just mentioning this morning that I ought to be doing more drawing, so maybe that’s the answer… I’ll look into getting a new memory card too though, but that might be tough from down here, I think my card is pretty outdated.

after typing that morning entry above, I went to breakfast and then took a boat over to san marcos, it was lovely and peaceful. I wandered around for awhile, did some exploring and then decided to walk back to san pedro, which took a few hours but was a wonderful adventure. overwhelmingly beautiful… too much to take in really, which was just as well, because for much of the walk it was best to focus on my footing as I sorta blazed a trail along the lakeshore rocks… I managed to stay dry.

stopped off at the café azul to reward myself with an orange crush when I got back to town. now I’m gonna run up to the internet place and post this. I’ll have to start doling out pictures gradually.