sabado, 25 marzo, 2006

still running a little behind, it’s earlyish sunday morning, but I’m gonna pretend like it’s still saturday.

bagel barn for breakfast, actually just oj. emailed denise nine year felicitations, uploaded blog, checked a little news.

spent most of the day walking and looking for a place to have lunch. wanted something new, but nothing looked all that appealing. took a lot of photos on the way – doors, walls, sidewalks. wound up at “reds” in the afternoon, had never eaten there. ordered a beer and looked at the menu. asked for a numero treinta y dos (cheese sandwich with tomato and basil), but my accent is apparently so bad that the bartender thought I wanted a numero veintaidos, which turned out to be nachos with beans and cheese, not really a bad choice and so I at it anyway.

met a girl from San Francisco, had more beers.

the thing about hemingway’s violence is that it’s not really fear driven. there is an element of fear that he describes about when tracking or approaching a wounded animal, and that adrenaline rush seems to be one of the attractive elements he finds in the hunt, but fear is just an aspect of the hunt, not a driving force in its violence. fear played more of a role in the cruelties of henry II, richard and john; but even they were also responding to a certain disregard for the lives of others. each was trying to hold his kingdom together, so there was a certain fear of societal collapse, but there was also a greed and arrogance involved. like hemingway, they felt they had a right to take life, which represents a very different mind set than I think most of us adhere to today. nevertheless, there are many people who feel that the war and capital punishment are ok – which admittedly, despite my disagreement with that view, is a long way from the old English kings… although, the question could be asked in regard to hemingway’s actions, which seem so condescendingly and arrogantly cruel and callous, are they any worse than taking part in the atrocities of the meat industry (not to mention poultry) by eating steaks, hamburgers, etc… at least hem was hunting free range and trying for a “clean kill” (although not always succeeding).

are we advancing or are we simply applying new rules and methods to old cruelties. the headlines always seem to mention 30-50 something daily dead in iraq, there’s always somebody blowing a fuse somewhere and shooting there neighbor or office mate or fellow student. but, there are also countless people who are not doing these things and presumably think it’s right to not do them and are in control enough of their emotions and empathetic enough with their fellow beings, to not go out and recklessly kill or harm.

it’s very difficult to know what life was like in the past, what thoughts people had… we can read what some wrote, but they only represent a very small vocal minority. presumably most people have always been peace loving, but is that true and on what is it based… many have always seemed very ready to distinguish between the rights of their own group and those of an outsider. we’re in a position now to begin breaking down those tribal distinctions, but can people look at it with that big picture mentality? obviously some can, but what does that mean as far as majority goes?

apparently there were demonstrations yesterday in LA about the guest worker program and a bill that would make it a felony to be an illegal immigrant, interesting way to celebrate denise’s and my anniversary…

domingo 26 marzo, 2006

and it really is. sunday evening now and I’ll make a quick entry and be caught up after my negligent weekend of morning entries for the preceding day. found a new place for breakfast this morning, the menu said huevos al gusto, but they just made ‘em scrambled (revuelvos). I looked in both my dictionaries for the equivalent of, “overeasy” but it wasn’t there. it’s entirely possible that nobody has ever introduced overeasy eggs to the world’s Spanish speaking population… if that’s the case, then it hardly seems to be my place to let out the secret. I liked the scrambled, which came with black refried beans, a bit of cheese, melon and bread.

after breakfast, the sky had cleared a bit and I decided to walk up to cerro de la cruz afterall. I’ve been meaning to do that for awhile, but when I think of it there are always clouds blocking the top of volcan agua, and the main point to going up there is to get a good photo of the town with the volcano behind. so, this morning there was just one cloud in front and it didn’t obscure the peek, so I decided to go for it… afterall, there aren’t that many days left. the weather for the walk up was great, if a little warm. the sky stayed pretty good, but I got my photos taken pretty much just in time. by the time I was home, the sky had clouded up and the volcano was covered.

I’m happy with the photos I took, although they probably would’ve been better had I not lingered over breakfast… but of course, lingering over breakfast is one of my favorite things to do.

did I mention that the main reason I’m looking forward to being finished with Spanish classes is that it will give the opportunity to go out to breakfast in the morning? that sounds familiar, although maybe that was in an email I’ve written recently… hard to tell and I’m not about to go back through rereading previous entries to find something like that out… if I’m repeating myself, please simply forgive me and shake your head in a pitying way while thinking how sad it is that joe’s mind is already going… and he’s such a young man!

and good looking. I have to confess something... I am completely in love with the girl that works at the bakery. I’ve never had a conversation with her beyond the price of bread, but the way she smiles at me melts my heart. she smiles like she really means it, and her eyes light up and look right through mine and she shows me her soul while looking into mine. she’s lovely… I wonder what she’d be like if we shared the same language. as it is, my Spanish is getting better, but I do have a lot of practicing to do… especially if I’m going to be hitting on beautiful bakery girls.

after getting back from the hill I finished my weekend homework. yesterday I had done the exercises, but I still had to write a composition (using presente, preterito, y imperfecto tiempos) I wrote about my day, and that seems to have fit the bill.

then I went up and checked my email in the park, came home and dropped off the computer and then headed back out to have a beer and write a letter to mom and dad at café no sé. on the way, I ran into the procession and took photos.

the question I was asking myself at breakfast today is, how far away from violence am I? I mean, here I am wondering whether mankind can overcome violence or not, and wondering whether it’s necessary or worthwhile even, let alone possible, but feeling that a world without violence is a positive goal… anyway, here I am pondering this stuff and what’s to say that despite my best intentions I might do something violent. how threatened would I have to be before I reacted violently? I don’t know. how much of my pacifism is simply symptomatic of my privileged state of security? if I felt oppressed, threatened, helpless, frustrated, fearful, would I be a violent person? is the only reason I’m not violent because I’m not those other things? and if that’s the case, can we overcome violence by alleviating the existence of those other things? and would that be a desirable goal? and of course I am violent, not often and not physically, but I’ve definitely raised my voice in a violent manner when emotionally stretched.
tomorrow will be monday. in class we’ll finish preposiciones. and then tuesday will be the last day of class and afterwards I’ll go to the bagel barn to post this stuff and catch up on email before heading to the lake wednesday morning. I’ll probably be just as frequent on these postings from there as I have been, but it’s hard to tell. the nice thing about my situation here is that I can sit at home and type this stuff whenever I want, and then just go up and post it, but it’ll probably turn out that once I leave here, I’ll have to go and type it straight on to another computer, which’ll be kind of a drag… hmmm, I think I’ve already mentioned this stuff too… obviously, not only is my mind goin’ but what little I have is dwelling on problems of blog posting… but I’ve still got my good looks.

good night.

lunes, 27 de marzo

alright, to return to blog posting concerns, this will perhaps be the last leisurely posting for awhile… although perhaps not, I don’t know what to expect. but it seems likely that I’ll be writing hurriedly from internet café’s rather than comfortably from the sanctity of my own room.

no real matter, half the time I don’t write patiently and the other half I pay little attention to what comes out of my fingertips, so the change might not be apparent at all… except that photos might be difficult to include… I’m not sure how I’ll get around that one. I hope I can get a good connection tomorrow that will allow me to post a bunch of pics. I’ve taken quite a few over the past couple days and it would be nice to add them. if you see them here, I did, but if not, they might never make it.

school was pleasant. alejandra’s sweet. I’m pretty friendly with this batch of students, although a new batch arrived today that I wont get to know and the group I have befriended are all heading in various directions at various times this week. traveling relationships are pleasant for there ephemerality, but of course less than fulfilling for the same reason.

checked my email after class, got messages from both tim and liz with news about Harold__ in time for me to add a brief note to the letter to mom and dad, before walking to the post office to send it off. bruce won the current chess game, he snuck up on and and I never saw it comin’ took me a minute to figure out why the game wasn’t waiting for me when I went to the website… there was an invitation to the next game though, so I figured it out. I stopped off at the bank after the post office and got some cash to tide me over, not that I think there will be a scarcity of atms anywhere I’m going. came back to my room and did my homework, laundry and took a shower. then I headed back towards the park, snapping photos on the way. wandered through the cathedral, which I’d neglected to do unit now, treated myself to an ice cream cone, then walked over to café no sé for a beer and to make a to do list… it turns out that there seems to be surprisingly little I need to do between now and wednesday morning, and tomorrow of course, I won’t have any homework.

I’m looking forward to being down by the lake, not that I really know what to expect, but I’m hoping for leisurely contemplative days. a lot of things are really coming into focus, but as with the Spanish, I feel the need for more time to reinforce it all… or maybe to just laze around.

I’ve been enjoying striking up conversations… travelers are interesting to get to know and share viewpoints with… although those of us wandering around in C.A. are probably largely likeminded.

here’s a dream for you, and then I’ll call it a night:

it was a hot day. we were in the desert. both the ground and the sky were yellow. I loved you, and was certain of my love for you. I was willing to give you everything with no reservations… do anything… give you my all… trust you and know that you too, loved me.

there was a cold glass bottle of milk there. it had condensation covering its smooth, hard outside surface. it was sooo inviting… it looked so good and quenching/refreshing.

then I didn’t love you, or at least didn’t feel as certain of my love for you as I had.

I reached for the milk. the paper label on the bottle was soaked through from the condensation and it tore away from the bottle as the glue gave way and my hand grasped it firmly. I could feel the paper slip into a soggy mass between my hand and the bottle, but my hold was sure, and I knew there was no danger of the bottle dropping.

I unscrewed the red plastic cap and brought the bottle’s mouth to mine. I drank the milk selfishly, greedily, hungrily, gluttonously devouring it gulp after gulp, not pausing or coming up for air until the bottle was empty and the label was a pulpy wad___ and then I realized that you, the milk, and I were one.

more soon.

Martes, 21 de marzo

Today must be the first day of spring up north. Here however, it seems spring’s been going on for quite awhile. I hear it’s “cold and grey” in London and has been chilly in Venice, and apparently there’s been some huge blizzardy thing all the way from Denver to Ohio, if you can believe that____ but here it’s lovely, and if anything a bit too warm on the sunny side of the street, and the shady benches in the park tend to fill first.

In class today we covered definite and indefinite articles, pretty easy and straight forward, but glad to have the lowdown on them, and glad to have the break, after yesterday’s lesson on personal pronouns, possessive pronouns, demonstrative adjectives and demonstrative pronouns, proved to be kinda tricky____ the difference comes down to an accent mark or a definite article a lot of the times, and so, to my untrained eye and ear, they tend to look and sound the same. Anyway, yesterday was a little rough, today was fine… no tellin’ what tomorrow’ll hold. I’m just trying to get through one more week and then I’ll take my notes and study up on my own, and I hope find somebody to do a little practicing with.

After class, I went to the bagel barn and uploaded the last installment of this. It took longer than I’d expected, because the connection was slower than usual, but eventually it worked and I was able to upload some of the photos from the procession on Sunday (scroll down of course, if you want to see them). Then I came back to my room, did my homework and then went and read in the park. Wound up doing more talking than reading, but that was fun.

That’s it for today I think. Been giving thought to the necessity of seeing our options in order to attain fulfillment mixed with the burden of seeing our options and needing to choose from among them. Nobles oblige, the responsibility of freedom___ again, not new areas of thought, but important ones to revisit. I think that the catch 22ish irony can be broken through, but it’ll take a little puzzling.

miercoles, 22 de marzo

the lights just went out, I hope that doesn’t last too long. I just got home and I squandered the charge on the computer this afternoon, so I only have 24%/17 minutes remaining. Hmmm.

It would be better if I was a better typist and didn’t need to see the keys to type. Ahhhh, there they go, back on, but flickering. Cross your fingers for me, but of course by the time you’re reading this it’ll be a long solved situation and won’t matter anymore.

What do I do with my days and where do the days go? It’s all wrapped up in learning how to live in a strange environment. I have it so easy and yet make it harder on myself than I need to. I spend my mornings at class and it’s difficult, but the time flies by. Am I learning anything? Yes, I’m learning a lot, but can I speak Spanish after three weeks of studying?… only haltingly and awkwardly, and I sure can’t follow the conversations between the guatemaltecos.

I’ve got a lot of studying and practice ahead of me. I shoulda come down here fifteen years ago, but who knew?

After class, I come home and take a shower, wash any clothes that need it, today was socks, yesterday was t-shirts. The lines are often used for drying sheets/bedding, etc. that edgar has washed, or else the personal clothing of other guests. I do my few things a bit at a time. Then I go and find lunch, either at a restaurant or the market or on the street from one of the women who makes sandwiches__ no carne, por favor – el pollo? No, no pollo, gracias, aguacate y otros vegetales. I go into a bar, as much to cambio un billete de cien quetzales, as to have the beer I get in the processs.

I go to the park to read, I walk by the stores and ponder the six foot tall pooh bear piñatas, wondering who’d have the gall to pummel pooh for the sake of his sweet internally hidden treasures. He looks so cheerful, never suspecting his fate… there’s another telling metaphor for ya…

Bought myself a new Spanish/Ingles dictionary today, again, using a large bill for a large purchase. The hundred quetzales notes are only worth thirteen dollars, but there’s no way to use them at the market, and even in the restaurants I frequent, they’re an imposition. Found a patinaed half centavo coin on the street today, face value US$0.00066, even here so worthless that it had seemingly been neglected on the street for years judging by the level of corrosion… the date was unidentifiable, but apparently from another era, which here doesn’t necessarily mean that long ago. Remnants of a more desperate and violent past are held over in the form of barred stores; with cash boxes, workers, and merchandise protected behind the barrier___ and impressively armed guards and policia on the streets, but the only explosions are the frequent celebratory firecrackers that are somehow connected with lenten rituals, never any gunshots...

Thinking… I guess I spend my time with that; there seems to be plenty of it to do. That and occasional conversations; politics with the guys, other stuff with the girls. Travelers though, not so much with the locals. Lots of Europeans around and interesting to hear there viewpoints. Northern Europeans mostly, lots of Scandinavians, who’da thought? If politically conservatives travel in this part of the world, they must be the older turistas or keeping their mouths shut… maybe that’s why the girls talk about other things… they might not be the leftists the male half seem to be.

Everyday I think I might walk up the hill north of town and look down on this place, but so far, I find the afternoon slipping by and it not getting done… mañana, tal vez, o viernes posiblemente. I keep procrastinating on buying scissors to trim my beard too. Easy enough to do, there are plenty at el mercado (finally just turned off the auto correct feature that keeps capitalizing things for me, whew) and I couldn’t bring any with me on the plane since I had no checked luggage (and scissors smack of terrorism, you know) and even with only my little backpack, I brought more than I needed. there are plenty of towels t-shirts and socks down here, and boy do I miss my flip flops. they’ve got those down here too, but I’ve been waiting still for just the right ones… then maybe I’ll throw my socks away.

you know, I’m not really that much of a leftist myself. I’m really more of an artist, but that’s a silly sort of political viewpoint. I just don’t agree with the prevailing means of conflict resolution, and the economic inequalities, but I’m not completely unwilling to work within the system, I just want to aim towards a system that doesn’t reward the mistreatment and oppression of the meek, kind-hearted and simple. or something like that. a lot of the misery in the world seems to be bred from ignorance and a lot of the solution it seems, should be tied to education, but that’s a big job and one that our planets schools seem poorly fitted to do.

I can’t really get behind the methods and the content of catholic schools, but the kids in the park sure do look sharp in their uniforms… see I told you I’m not so much a leftist. the people down here do like their Catholicism, although according to alejandra it’s really just the older generation that take it seriously whaile the younger just enjoy the ritual and tradition of it… I’m not sure if that’s an accurate appraisal though.

my knees feel good, and everything else seems to be working well, but this awkward little table and platic chair pulled up sideways to it, aren’t great for my back which seems to have a limited time of tolerance for typing. probably good for me, keeps me doing other things than proselytizing excessively on this blog.

hasta mañana mis amigos.

jueves, 23 de marzo

another day slipping pleasantly past. by the time I head home in a couple months I’m gonna be rarin’ to go. I can feel the enthusiasm building and the sense of purpose growing. so much that I want to do when I get back, and the thing about it is that there are a lot of things I can’t do from down here. there’s the vague sense of missing out on the action, but the overriding awareness that the things I’m spending my time with down here are difficult to do up there___ if for no other reason than all the other opportunities demand attention. this is the essential simplification and it feels good and is serving its purpose.

been reading hemingway’s green hills of Africa, of course it’s wonderfully well written, but more than that it’s a fascinating read as far as cultural ethics go. hemingway wasn’t a bad guy, and yet his completely taken for granted acceptance of big game hunting and the killing of animals in general for the simple sake of sport shows how dramatically social conscience can change. there’s no sense of embarrassment of self cosciousness about killing__ or even the good intentioned condescension to the guides and women. he’s a man of his time, molded by his experience and environment___ what will somebody think of my prejudicial and narrowminded viewpoints in a hundred years (if anybody bothers to pay attention to them. I wonder if this account of this little sabbatical of mine will remain hidden on the internet, waiting to be uncovered by some future surfer, and then as quickly be forgotten again on and on. or will our society collapse and with it our technology and all these virtual words become inaccessible in the apocalyptic future? hard to tell… today I feel optimistic, but that’s not to say we don’t need paradigm level changes to occur, it simply means that paradigms have shifted before and so maybe there’s hope yet.

bought some scissors finally, but haven’t trimmed yet… you just can’t hurry things.

did I mention that yesterday was all about the past imperfect? it was, had forgotten all about that, but it’ll come in handy. I think alejandra is trying to cover as much as she can as fast as she can, knowing that I’m leaving next week, that’s good, because I want as much as I can get so that I can study on my own once I’m out of here. for now, I’m happy if I can just keep my head above water.

seems like a lot of the people I talk with are either coming from cuba or on there way there. hmmm. so much to do, so little time.

g’night.

viernes 24 de marzo

it’s really saturday morning, didn’t get around to writing last night. I’m gonna head up to the bagel barn in a few minutes, but want to catch this up before I go. in class we finished up preposiciones except for por and para, which seem to be the confusing ones, or at least I always seem to guess wrong, but they haven’t been explained to me yet. we’re gonna cover those monday, then do future tuesday, and then I’m on my own. maybe I’ll find somebody to explain conditional and subjunctive to me someday, or maybe I’ll just speak around them. as it is, I’ve got plenty to keep me busy with studying for quite awhile.

yesterday’s realizations and thoughts centered around right action and the overcoming of the guilt I’ve associated with love, or my unwillingness, or inability to devote really, since gerri. both were good understandings. and while each builds on earlier thoughts, each is more nearly novel for me than anything else since I’ve been down here. for the most part, I’ve just been piecing together old scraps of understanding… but this concept of right action that I’m beginning to put together is pretty new. it might be what Buddhists mean by the same term, or it might be different, Buddhist right action has never really been explained to me, I just know that’s one of the steps on the eightfold(?) path. as far as the guilt thing goes, I knew there was guilt associated with the failed relationship with gerri, but I think I’ve been either not identifying its root or misidentifying it. the guilt I think is really not about the breakup, but about the effect the breakup had on me. more on these later, I’ve taken some notes and woke up in the middle of the night with new understandings fresh in my mind, which had to be written down before I could get back to sleep. but I think they demand more consideration than I’ve given them yet.

trimmed my beard almost down to my face. it makes my head hair look longer and kinda silly, but also makes eating less messy.

I’ll post this now and then I’ll add more to it tuesday before heading to the lake wednesday morning. once I’m at the lake I don’t know whether I’ll find wireless or not… but even if I don’t, I can add to this, but the entries will probably be more brief and irregular since I’ll have to do them on the spot, instead of comfortably from my own room. I’ll try to keep up with this account on my laptop though, and post it when I can.

Sabado, 18/03/06

Of course, the thing is that I’ve known the answers all along, and I really didn’t need to come down to Guatemala to find them out, but maybe I did need to get away from home to reaffirm them and make sure I wasn’t off track. Of course knowing the answers doesn’t mean I can tell them, because that of course is the problem with language and communication in general…it’s only understood when it’s understood and then of course its pointless, except for the fact that we all like feeling that somebody understands us.

That said, life’s too short to spend any of it doing things that are not fulfilling, and while we might not be able to put our finger on what things are fulfilling, we know them when we do them and that’s all we need.

Love is imperative, and while we have no real control over whether others love us, we can allow ourselves to love others and practice opening ourselves to the love others offer. Remember, love is the good stuff___ love is the connection and the part that reminds you that we’re in this together… it is the awareness of our unity. All that painful heartache, loneliness and jealousy stuff is just fear and insecurity that we’ve been told has something to do with love, but in fact simply stands in love’s way.

There is an obligation to relationship. The easy way out is not always the most rewarding. There is a debt you owe yourself and the people you love, that cannot be shirked without loss of connection

A Violent response to a violent action has never solved a problem. I know some of you contentious types out there might be tempted to offer up examples of self defense and military aggression___ but I’ll repeat, a violent response to a violent action has never solved a problem___ at the most it has, kept the potential victim alive while turning him into a practitioner of violence and has left the problem unscathed, maybe even a bit more complex and expanded, but certainly not solved.

You cannot love and be selfish at the same time.

Money cannot buy happiness.

Living beyond your means causes anxiety.

Possessions often entrap us

We have choices about how we live.

Someday, we don’t know when, we’re each going to die. It would be silly to arrive at that day, look back and realize we have wasted our time.

Time is life’s commodity… that’s what we have, and we have it in a tragically short supply.

Clearly, beauty, like love, exists… it might be difficult to define, but we know it when we allow ourselves to see it… and if it didn’t exist, we wouldn’t be able to perceive it.

The real trick is to continually remember to notice the beauty… it takes practice and time and continual upkeep… the worst thing about meaningless employment is that too often it makes us too rushed to focus on the beauty around us. Even the most fulfilling employment can, if we’re not careful, distract us from seeing the beauty.

If read with insight, even the cheesiest of trash fiction can hold inspiring themes.

There’s more, but that’s enough for tonight. I’m not telling you people this, I’m just typing it out here to remind myself… it’s so easy to forget these things in the moment… and in the moment is when we need them most.

When I feel like I do tonight, I can’t imagine ever having a problem again… even though I know of course I will… maybe.

Domingo 19/03/06

Another weekend over, but I still haven’t even been here three weeks… the time seems to be flying, but it’s really going gloriously slowly.

Woke up early this morning but lazed in bed until almost 8. then I wrote some emails, and headed off to find some breakfast. I revisited the place from last Sunday, wanting to try the spinach omelet that I’d missed out on the first time. I did and it was good, but I think maybe the huevos rancheros that I wound up with by default last week was better. Maybe I’ll try it again next weekend.

After breakfast I walked to jocotenango, which is not too far away and watched the start of the procession, which was great because I got to see all the alfombras (I think that’s the word) the sawdust and flower carpets that the procession walks over. They were pretty cool, and not only did I get to see them, but I also got to see the process because some of them along the route were still being made as I was walking there. They start off with regular sawdust, which they sift out into squared off sections of ground (framed by boards. Then, over the plain sawdust they sprinkle colored sawdust for the background, and then finally they put down ornately cut stencils and sprinkle colored sawdust on that, removing the stencil carefully at the end. The result is remarkable. And then a little while later, along comes the procession and walks right through it. Boy, there’s a message there somewhere, I’ll let you find it. I’m very glad I got to watch. I took photos, I’ll add them here if they turned out.

I didn’t stick around too long because the sun was hot and I’m still a little burned from Friday at the hotsprings. So I came home, took a shower (refreshingly cool) and then did my homework. Later I took a walk, checked my email, wound up at café no sé for a beer. Listened to a little music there, one guy had a great stand up base made out of tin__ pretty neat.

That’s about all that’s worth mentioning I think.

I wrote the following reminders to myself on a notecard in from my pocket as I walked along today___ this is as good a place as any to transcribe them.

We are each as lucky as we perceive ourselves to be.

Life is as fair as we allow it to be.

Each of us, within our unique, limiting boundaries, have unlimited opportunity.

Nothing new there, I remember talking to ann about the first one almost twenty years ago, and to max about the third about ten years ago. The second one is just sort of an addendum/corollary, to the same old fairness statement from 1990. but it’s good to keep them in mind.

Several years ago, susan introduced me to a friend of hers named swami j, he was a nice guy and I enjoyed the one conversation I had with him. Occasionally susan would forward his newsletter to me, when she felt it would speak to some interest of mine. Eventually, I became a subscriber and I receive his frequent emailings. I admit, I seldom bother to read them, but I never throw them away… just in case, you know. Often when I do read them I appreciate the insight he offers. Anyway, today I happened to read the one he had emailed out, and it reiterates very clearly some of my recent thoughts. I was very pleased to have the affirmation of somebody else saying it. I’ll paste it below. Thanks swami j. oh now that I look closely, it turns out that it wasn’t written by swami j, but he is the one who shared it and that’s what counts. His website bytheway is (not surprisingly) http://swamij.com/

From: Perennial Psychology of the Bhagavad GitaBy Swami RamaACTIONS, REWARDS AND SINGING SONGS OF JOY

The human being alone has the gift of judgement, discrimination, and decision. Every action has its consequent effect, and the fruition of the action is ordinarily perceived as either a reward or a punishment. But one can choose to make a loving offering of the fruits of his actions for the benefit of others. Then one performs his actions skillfully, selflessly, and lovingly, offering the fruits of his actions for the sake of humanity. Thus he is constantly praying. Such prayer is actual prayer; it is not at all like the prayer of egotistical prople.Most people are motivated to do actions for the sake of receiving rewards. Attachment to rewards is a deep-rooted habit. Most people do not understand how to be selfless. Such human beings are rajasic. Reward-oriented people are very selfish. They suffer and they make others suffer. Perhaps that is one reason that the best of people have retreated to forest dwellings wondering, "Why do human beings still behave like animals?" After intensive self-study those great ones devised practical methods for transforming humanity, and they gave us their wisdom through the scriptures.Suffering comes when one is interested in reward. If one performs actions expecting rewards, he is bound to receive the fruits of his actions. The fruits then motivate him to do more actions, and in this way he finds himself caught in the whirlpool of life, never content, always seeking more and more for himself and ignoring or using others for his own gain. Actions done for reward thus create bondage. One becomes a slave to rewards in much the same way that the rat in scientific experiments becomes a slave to the pellet box, performing those actions that bring him a token of reinforcement. But there is a way to attain release from such enslavement: perform your duties skillfully and selflessly without attachment to reward. Then you will be free, a mukta traveling and singing the songs of joy without cares or fears.

Lunes, 20 de marzo

Three weeks as of tonight. Three weeks ago right now, I was at the coffeeshop with tim and denise. Shortly I would’ve been tying up last minute loose ends with michelle, then off to dinner, and finally to the airport with aliza. The time since then has flown by, but that evening seems like a lifetime ago.

I’m kinda tired this evening. Woke up kinda early and I think the cumulative build up of Spanish information is wearing on me. There are so many things I’ve got partially memorized, but need to stay on top of and drill into my longterm memory. It’s a lot to do.

I sent and received email in record time today. I seem to have lucked into a good connection in the park and was in and out in a matter of minutes, although in my excitement, I neglected to make a chess move, but I guess it can wait until tomorrow.

After the park, I came back here and did my homework. It took me almost two hours, so I’m glad I got it out of the way early. As a reward for my efforts, I went back to the park, bought myself an ice cream cone and then went to café no sé for a beer.

I stopped off for a little browsing at the market and bought some dinner. Headed home and have been relaxing ever since.

In moments of clarity I feel rejuvenated and ready to return to the united states and start the rest of my life. Those moments come and go though. Nevertheless, that’s pretty good for only three weeks, there’s lots more time for psychological and emotional preparation.

I believe my sight can improve upon even my recollected but lost childhood eyes… is it possible to take the best of youthful simplicity and trust and meld it with the insight of experience? I think it might be… it’ll take a good deal of letting go though.

Martes, 14/03/06

Palabras positivas y negativas hoy en la clase, manana nosotros comenzamos el tiempo para pasada.

Which I think means that we’ll spend the next three days doing that, and then wrap it up in time for the weekend. We’ll see. I’ve got a lot of memorization to work on, and while I’m not really falling behind, I am having more and more stack up for continual review, which makes things sorta dificile.

After class, I went to the bagel barn and uploaded the past several days of blog, but couldn’t get any of the photos to load. I don’t know whether it was a server problem or a connection problem, but either way, I blew an hour and a half in the attempt. I can’t complain, it’s amazing I can get a connection down here at all. I’ll just be thankful for that, and let the rest slide.

I walked around for awhile this afternoon, studied and read in the park, walked some more, took some photos___ moving from walls to doors these days, I mostly like the surfaces and textures (and colors of course) of the deterioration.

Contemplating multi-media next art group… painting/sculpture/drawing/book body of work. bible/history/literature content along with thoughts of future direction. I’d like to puzzle out and experiment around with method ahead of time… of course that seldom seems to work. I’d like to stretch canvases and I’d like to play with wood/plaster/burlap sculptures… Maybe I’ll just paint landscapes.

Went to no sé for dinner and some studying. Came home and made flashcards for the stuff from yesterday and today. I’m a bit concerned that I might get slammed with a lot of info tomorrow, maybe not.

Drew some pictures this afternoon, need to draw more, haven’t been doing it. Drawing today made me feel good. Tuesday night drawing at the Y, wonder if Tim’s there.

That’s it. Goodnight.

Miercoles, 15/03/2006

The tricky thing about being in a foreign country… well one of them, is figuring the ins and outs about purchases. I mean you can just be a tourist and stay at the hotel and eat at the restaurant, but not only does that get old after a week and a half, but also it seems to miss the real experience. The reason I want to learn Spanish is so that I need not feel as much an outsider as I do. I’ll probably always feel to some degree an outsider here, because I don’t have the features of the locals and because even in Venice, I feel like an outsider.

I’ve got access to a kitchen here, but it’s not much of one and preparing meals for one always complicates things. It usually ends up easier, quicker and more satisfying to go out and get something at a restaurant. But, having sampled a wide variety of places to eat in Antigua, and being a creature of habit, lately settling down to just the few favorites I’ve chosen, I felt like maybe I was taking the easy way out. So today, I went to the market and bought an avocado, two tomatoes and some lovely soft freshly baked rolls (all for a total of Q2.50 (33 1/3 cents)) and brought them home and had a great lunch.

I wonder what other culinary bargains and experiences are out there. It’s embarrassing that it’s taken me two weeks to start experimenting on this stuff, but there are an awful lot of good restaurants to try and I have been exploring other parts of life here. Nevertheless, I think this is going to open up a whole new door to discovery for me… and the girl at the panaderia down the street has a lovely smile…

Past tense seems to be going quite a bit quicker than present, which is good, but I still am going to have a lot of work to do. I’m able to catch more of the conversations I eavesdrop on, but the speed at which the locals speak still leaves most of it a mystery to me. Alejandra speaks nice and slowly for me, although I guess she’s speeding up a bit, but still speaking clearly. Today was the beginning of the third week. Hmmm, all of a sudden more than halfway done. More past tense tomorrow and then on Friday normal class ends at 10:30 (instead of the usual 12 noon) so that we can all head off for a day at the hotsprings. Should be fun.

I just wrote an email to liz, and this chair is not the greatest for extended sessions at the computer, so I think I’ll call it a night and read myself to sleep. I picked up a history of the Plantagenets the other day___ I left off with Henry II’s death, but there’s plenty more where that came from… it’s kinda interesting, it’s an older book and I think historians tend to be more receptive to Eleanor these days, at least I’ve always kind of liked her… I’ve never been able to make up my mind about Thomas a Becket though.

buenas noches.

jueves, 16/03/06

I’ve been wondering for awhile now why it is that children so often seem so much happier than adults, regardless of circumstances. I think teaching at the school planted the seed of that thought, and I remember it rising to the surface when I watched born into brothels which showed kids in an exceptionally difficult environment, but although they struggled, they nevertheless found time to be kids and have fun. The adults around them however were somber and bitter, and yet were often only maybe only ten (or fewer) years older than the kids. I wondered as I watched… what happens between childhood and adulthood to drive the joy from our lives?

Now, I’m not saying that adults aren’t ever joyous and that it’s easy being a kid, because I know neither of those views would be accurate, but you rarely see an adult experiencing the joy that is commonplace for a six year old. For that matter though, you seldom see an adult throwing an impassioned tantrum. It seems that the range of emotions is more extreme in children and the obvious explanation seems to be that as we grow (mature?) we develop the ability to control our emotions. Clearly, being in control of our emotional selves has its advantages when it comes to the practical side of life, but I look at these joyfilled kids and wonder if the price is worth it. Emotional control is not easily turned on and off… we become so adept at suppressing our emotions that we forget how to feel them… perhaps we should focus more on experiencing the extemes rather than protecting ourselves from them.

Of course it could all be the chemistry of childhood and adolescence that makes the difference… hard to say.

There is something wonderfully uplifting about watching children play.

It might also have to do with hope, possibility, optimism and a disregard for the immanence of personal mortality.

And then there’s love and faith issues… which children (in their youthful wisdom) seldom ponder.

We finished the past tense today, although I guess we’ve got something to work on yet for the first 2 ½ hours tomorrow. Then we head off to the hot springs; should be fun.

I really don’t know what became of the day… explored mostly I guess. Wandered around, watched children playing, read for awhile, ate an apple, did my homework… and here it is, time for bed.

Goodnight.

17/03/06 viernes,

tied up a few loose ends concerning Spanish past tense in class and then around 11 headed off in a brightly painted bus for the hot springs. The springs were a bit unlike what I expected. They were natural thermally heated springs, but the water was contained in what amounted to a concrete swimming pool with a gravel bottom, through which the water entered. There was a small stream of water that ran next to the pool, but that was a sclose to a natural looking setting as it got. Nevertheless the area around the spring was mountainous and beautiful and the day was pretty and warm… maybe a bit too sunny___ I returned with a pinkishly burned face. I was smart enough to put my shirt back on after an hour or so in the sun, so the rest of me didn’t get scorched.

The day was nice and was made up of maybe an hour in the pool and then a few hours sitting around the edge, drinking cervezas and talking with the other students. There was a guy from Holland, another from Israel, the three Norwegian girls, a girl from Australia, an American from Oklahoma and I. I enjojed the talk, it was pleasant to speak at length in English, I guess I haven’t really done that since the last evening of scrabble with nyama and jaron. I’m sorta torn between wanting to avoid English and wanting to communicate easily and fluidly. I guess that’s ok. A little harmless internal conflict just adds some spice maybe.

We got back around 4. made vague plans with some of the others to meet up later for st patrick’s day beers, but I ended up, taking a walk, buying some food at the Mercado, trying to check my email, but couldn’t get a good enough connection__ managed to upload a letter to anya, but couldn’t download anything except 34 pieces of spam, out of ninety emails… probably most of the other 56 were spam too, but you never know___ hidden amidst that spam are often a few gems from loved and missed frinds. So I’ll try again tomorrow and see if I have better luck.

I’ll maybe go to the bagel barn in the morning and try to upload this. I’ve got a lot of studying to do this weekend. Hmmm, after this weekend there’s only one weekend left before classes are over. Seven more days of class, next Tuesday will be it. Time’s flying by.

I hope all of you are doing well.

Goodnight.

3/18 update, successfully added the photos, check 'em out!

Viernes, 10/03/06

Happy birthday to tami and grace.

Class today was partially a fieldtrip to a small church just a little to the northwest of town. Walked over there with alejandra and a couple other groups of students and teachers. It was a nice walk and through a section which I had missed previously__ I thought I had just about covered everything. The walk took us past the men’s prison, and on the way back we saw the crowd of women waiting their turns for visiting hours, muy interesante.

The church was interesting too. It was small and damaged, but not apparently as old as the big colonial churches in town. Might’ve been within the past century even, but none from our group knew. This is a special Friday for this particular church because the procession on Sunday will leave from there, so there were lots of people, school children, and even a tv crew and a print journalist with a still camera. Also, outside the church were all sorts of food venders selling everything from avocados to domino's pizza.

Inside the church a scene was set up with painted figures and a full-sized Christ mannequin in the middle. In front of this, on the floor was a beautifully ornate dyed-sawdust carpet, surrounded by offerings of fruits and vegetables. placed directly on the carpet, was a duck(?) sculpted out of a watermelon.

We returned to school with enough time left to cover the presente progresivo tense, which finished out our week on the present tense verbs. I believe that next week we move on into the past… if you see what I mean.

My cold’s probably getting a little better, but it still hasn’t gone away, and despite the fact that it’s Friday night, I really just want to go to bed early… so I will, because I can. Maybe tomorrow I’ll see if I can find nyama and jaron once more before they skip town. My real intent for the weekend though is to study and get healthy.

Geez! I’ve only been here eleven days. Seems like ages, and yet it’s flown past. Tiempo vuela, you know.

Sabado 11/03/06

I’ve felt much better today. Got ten hours of sleep last night, and it felt great. The past few days when I’ve had to drag myself out of bed to go to class, I’ve felt like I could sleep all day, if I just let myself. This morning I was determined to last as long as I could in bed, and I made it until 8, which was only an extra hour, but it made a world of difference. I slept all night, straight through and comfortably on my stomach with clear sinuses, so that was an improvement.

I guess it wasn’t quite straight through, because I remember waking up at one point (or maybe two points) from dreams, but getting right back to sleep. This change of surroundings seems to have really jumpstarted my dreamworld. My dreams have been utilizing a whole new cast of characters since I got here. Friends from LA show up everynight as do family members. It’s interesting to me to see what archetypal sorts of roles my unconscious mind assigns to my various friends and how many different, and sometimes contradictory roles, to one of them in particular… I’ll leave you hangin’ on that one. I suppose that while it seems like I’m making the adjustment to being here pretty smoothly (and probably more importantly, the adjustment to not being in Venice) I guess that maybe my unconscious mind is frantically working to cope with the uprootedness of it all. Maybe the reason that I seem pretty relaxed consciously is that my unconscious is keeping so busy. Hmmm…

Anyway, weirdly enough had two dreams about gerri last night. Haven’t dreamt about her for a longlong time, as far as I know. But there she was. I don’t remember it all, but the first had something to do with us being together, we had a baby and I had just gotten out of grad school. We were loading a suburban with our stuff in preparation for a move to someplace where I was going to have a job. Hmmm… The second dream had us in a store. Gerri wanted to buy a coffeemaker that I didn’t think we needed, but she wanted it, and I couldn’t talk her out of it. We got to the counter and she discovered she didn’t have any money, so I paid. There was a man standing next to the counter asking for a handout, I reached into my pocket and found my orange spray painted pen. I thought it was a different pen, one that I wasn’t so attached to, so I handed it to him, realizing too late that it was my favorite one instead. I briefly thought about asking for it back because my heart ached at the thought of losing it, but then I realized it didn’t matter and I just let it go. As we were on our way out of the store, I saw Joni.

Well, at least my unconscious seems to have remained consistent on the role it’s assigned to gerri___ although I’m not at all convinced the dreams had anything to do with her… perhaps just what she’s come to represent. Dream interpretation is tricky stuff, you know.

So I spent the day taking a few walks around town, in between which I studied Spanish verbs. went to the market, which is even bigger than usual on Saturdays, went to some stores, looked for interesting books to read, wound up at café no sé around five for dinner. Had a couple beers there and then headed home.

It was a good day. And I feel almost 100% healthy.

Domingo 12/03/06

Woke up feeling great! I’m almost glad I had the cold, just so I can revel in my health now that it’s returned. I feel great! I took a shower first thing, which was kinda brave of me, because usually I like to wait until the afternoon sun has heated things up before getting drenched with cold water, but I’d skipped a shower yesterday and really felt like starting the day off right. It was invigorating and not as bad as I might’ve feared. I’d slept in until 8 again, and so the sun was that much higher in the sky and the night had been warmer that others we’ve had lately.

Did my homework and wrote an email to aliza and then went in search of breakfast. Found a really nice little restaurant and ordered a spinach omelet. They were out of espinaca though, so I wound up with huevos rancheros, which were agreeably different from the huevos back home. Yum!

Took a long walk back, snapped some photos on the way. Fuego looks like it wants to erupt again, there were clouds around the cone that might’ve been smoke, but I’m too much a novice to tell, either way, it’s kind of exciting being around volcanoes.

Later in the afternoon, I headed off toward café no sé but ran into the procession on the way. I snapped a bunch of photos as it went by, and then decided to walk home and upload them, so that I’d have more room left on the camera if I ran into it again on my way home. I’m glad I did, because I did run back into the procession a few hours later, and I had wanted some shots at night rather than daytime, so I was able to get some of both. So after clearing off my memory card, I headed back out to café no sé.

Once there, I read for awhile, until it got too dark and then I just sipped my beer and wrote some thoughts/plans/intentions down on notecards. Most of the things I was writing were focusing on the next group of paintings/artwork… what I want to aim for, how I want to do it… where I want to head and what I hope to accomplish artistically. The plan that has begun to form, which isn’t really that surprising, because I was leaning this way even before leaving Venice is that I’ll head back to Cincinnati for a few months… maybe four or five, and work on another group of paintings/sculptures/writing. The only new part to the thought is the realization that after that, I can still return easily to Venice for awhile or longer. I’ll definitely come back to exhibit the paintings, but I don’t need to disallow myself from living in Venice again just because settling there seems hard. I don’t really know, I guess, but it seems likely that maybe heading to ohio for the summer might be the way to go. There are a lot of things I’d like to do and a lot of places that seem attractive to be in.

The paintings themselves will maybe be historical, maybe illustrative, maybe more broken apart and simple of form… maybe more poetic and … hmmm, I don’t have the word, but I think I sorta know what I’d like to shoot for. I’d like to look to humanity and try to understand our motivational force… what drives us/ has driven us to do the things we do/live the way we live? What distinguishes those who seem to succeed in attaining fulfilling existences from those who don’t? what will the future hold? And is this another cycle of civilization repeating similar historical precedents? Or are we living in a time with enough novel features that it might lead to a novel future. And is that future a hopeful one or not? And is it up to us to decide___ and if so, how can we best choose hope? I’d like to look for lessons from the past, and I’d like to try to determine some sort of believable value/belief system to fill the lack I think many of us feel. I suppose that’s a tall order, I’ll aim high and settle for what I can do, but I would like to give some thought as to why many people live in a manner at odds with fulfillment and joy. I’d like to give some thought to the root causes of anger, frustration, and violence. Is there a better way of managing society than the ones we’ve tried?

Big questions and too early in the process to narrow them down, I suppose the theme is growing pretty naturally out of the eve paintings, but I think the form will be a departure… I hope so, I feel the need for a change.

Anyway, I had a couple beers at no sé, and then walked home, finding the procession on the way and getting my night shots. Now I’ll read and get some sleep.

G’night.

Lunes 13/03/06

Back to school today. Didn’t start past tense but briefly covered the futuro idiomatico, which was pretty straight forward and then spen the rest of the day with fifteen different “palabros interrogatives” which also were not real difficult, but it seems like maybe they’re more difficult than they need to be. I think I’m ok with them though. I just finished reviewing them… all of this stuff requires a lot more practice than I’m giving it, but there’s always time for review.

After class I was gonna go up to the bagel barn to upload these blog entries, but I ended up skipping it. Instead, I went for a walk through the market and around the southeast part of town. Took some photos, picked up a couple books from the free place, dropped the one off that I’sd finished. One of the ones I got today is called The Fall of a President, put together by the Washington Post staff in 1974, pretty interesting so far… I can’t believe they were able to get rid of their president for one little B&E, and we can’t get rid of ours for outright lies and deception. Oh well, people do their best, even when it turns out bad… or something like that. I’m not sure that people want to be saved from the suffering, I’m pretty sure saviors don’t get thanked… or something like that.

Bought some paper, bought some colored pencils, bought an ice cream cone, checked my email, sat in the park, watched the highschool kids making out, continued my walk, came home, did my homework.

We’re still out of drinking water here___ ran out maybe Friday, maybe Saturday, but I think Friday. I don’t know why it hasn’t been replaced. Last night I was really thirsty in the middle of the night… realized that I don’t know when I’ve been really thirsty and unable to quench it like that. I didn’t like it, but it was a good experience.

Went to ceviches mex for a burrito and a cerveza. Read the Nixon book.

Wondered whether art is really an appropriate method for what I want to accomplish. Wondered what can art accomplish? Wondered if there is a better method/medium. Wondered if it’s possible to provide hope in the face of despair. Wondered if there is a realistic hope, a believable hope… something that can actually be believed by rational minded children of the scientific/digital information age.

I wondered what leads humans to violence. And I wondered some other stuff too.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll post this. Goodnight.

Lunes, 06/03/06

Whew, I’m tired. It’s been a lovely end to a longish day. I struggled through class this morning. Lots of information and it’s tough to keep up. I’ll make it though, but there’s a lot to remember.

Came home after class, relaxed for just a little while and then headed up to the Bagel Barn to check email and upload the blog and website, and whatever emails I’d written lately, but I’ve lost track of that… there might not’ve been any, I’m probably falling behind, but I should be able to catch up tomorrow, no matter how rough class is.

Spent the afternoon in my room studying, and then went to a place nyama knew about, called café sky, and watched the sunset. I’m kicking myself for not always carrying my camera around because the rooftop view from there is incredible. I’m definitely going to frequent it around sunset time as opportunity allows.

Now I’m back in my room and will study a bit before bed, but I’m beat. A week ago I was enjoying my going away dinner at the rudnick’s and being and being ferried to the airport by aliza… it seems so long ago and so far away… well it is far away.

When I let myself, I miss you all horribly, but I don’t often let myself… just when I’m very tired.
I’ve got to take a picture of that volcano from the rooftop… volcan agua (I know, sounds kinda oxymoronic, I’ll explain it one of these days though), haven’t mentioned it yet, but it’s an interesting story and a fantastic landmark and awfully handy when it comes to knowing where south is.

Hmmmm, goodnight.

Martes, siete de marzo

Funny how these days really get away from me, you’d think I’d have all kinds of time on my hands, class is only four hours in the morning and even if I spend a couple hours with homework or studying (and aside from yesterday, I seldom do) that ought to leave plenty of time, but it really doesn’t. I mean obviously I’m taking it pretty easy and the Spanish thing is really a lot of effort, but boy does the time slip by.

Class wasn’t so rough today, so that was a relief, nevertheless it’s a pretty steep learning curve I’m on, reminds me of learning to deal craps because so much of it is not just learning, but practicing so that it becomes second nature, which is tough to hurry… it just takes time and immersion. Oh well, enough of that.

Went for a burrito after class and study time, took a walk, got some cash from the atm, checked my email in the park, but didn’t respond, just downloaded it for later. Came back here, read for awhile and studied verbos. Headed off around 6:30 to meet nyama and jaron at café no sé, had a couple beers and a game of scrabble. Jaron’s suffering from allergies, partially he thinks brought about from the altitude and volcanic activity___ two of the three local volcanoes have erupted a bit in the last twenty four hours. Anyway, makes me feel a little better because I’ve had a bit of a sore throat today and have been worried I was catching the cold that seems to be going around__ a lot of people at school sneezing at me, etc… but now I’m hoping I’ve just got some kind of volcano dust throat, which matches the symptoms of feeling like I just smoked a whole lot of cigarettes (which I haven’t). we’ll see. I’d hate to get sick, so I hope it’s just the volcanoes.

The sky was clear and the stars were bright and beautiful tonight as I walked home. That’s all for now, I’m gonna get in bed and read for awhile. I wonder what all of you are doing right now.

Miercoles, ocho de marzo,

I can’t believe I’ve got a cold. The sore throat got worse all night and by an hour into class this morning, I was sneezing. I learned that the sneezer says, “pardon,” and the sneezee says, “salud.” So I got that much out of it. On my way home after class, I stopped off and bought a couple liters of jugo concentrados de naranja.

I walked up to the park to download email. I’ve got the system figured out now. I sit at the bench to the southeast of the central fountain, turn on the computer, send and receive my email and then pack up and head home. I get about seventy pieces of spam a day, so if I skip a day it takes quite awhile to get it all, and the longer it takes, the greater the risk of getting disconnected, and when that happens the whole process has to start over. It’s a good excuse for an afternoon walk, which I’d take anyway, and even though the glare makes it all but impossible to see what’s going on on the screen, it’s better to do it during the day, I think. Antigua seems pretty safe, but I think it’s probably a reasonable precaution to not carry my laptop around at night… ne sense in tempting fate… or thieves.

Anyway, I grabbed my email__ had very nice letters from aliza and michelle, they made me feel good, appreciated and missed, which on a day like today, having my first Central American cold and being loaded down with a whole stack of handmade verbos de cambio flashcards to memorize, I really needed.

It’s not quite three, I’ve gone through the flashcards twice, but I haven’t done my homework yet, I guess I should do that now, but maybe I’ll take a nap. The water’s off for some inexplicable reason, which is a drag because I’d like a shower and I was planning on doing laundry. The laundry can wait until tomorrow though, because I do have one more clean shirt___ but it would be nice to be able to flush. Hmmm. My tolerance fades when I’m feeling rundown.

The good news is that even though my nose is runny, and I’m tired and achy, the sore throat is gone! I hope the rest of the symptoms pass as quickly. I can’t believe I didn’t pack all those leftover emergenC packets… not too mention a few rubberbands, binderclips and more notecards. Live and learn.

later: water's back on, whew!

Jueves, 09/03/06

I’m feeling a bit better today, but still under the weather. I slept a lot and pretty well last night and that helped. Struggled to get up and go to school today, but once there, I felt pretty good. Class wasn’t as hard as I'd feared, only seventeen irregular verbs and they weren’t too bad. I’ve got a lot of studying to do this weekend though___ and a lot of convalescing. Gotta be better by Monday, that’s my goal.

Tomorrow Spanish class is a fieldtrip to a church, practicing conversation on the walk there. Should be good. Alejandra suggested I bring my camera.

Tonight it’s time for bed. It’s not really late, but I’m beat and need the sleep. Sorry for the lamo entries the past couple days. they'll get better once I'm healthy.

G’night.

Viernes 03/03/06 (I’m changing the dates from mm/dd/yy to the Guatemalan standard dd/mm/yy, but subtly on a day like today when nobody’d notice, crafty huh?)

Hoy es la dia tres de clase de espanol. I’m definitely learning a lot in Spanish class, but I’m really gonna have to spend some study time this weekend memorizing vocabulary. I’ve been pretty much just writing the new words down and focusing my evenings on the verbs and sentence structure, so vocab is my weak spot, although a lot of it is fairly obvious. My homework this weekend is to review the things we’ve covered so far, which are; llamarse, ser (origin), estar (animo), tener (familia), estar (localizacion), ser (descripcion), quien, gustar, tener, querer, ¿A que hora…?, y conecer plus all the vocab, which are a list of commonly used words, emotions that go with “estar”, family relationships, places and locations, physical descriptions, articles of clothing, days of the week, food (separate lists of staples, vegetables, and fruit), states of being that go with tener, months, and times of the day and year. It seems like a lot and it is, but I think it’s manageable. I don’t have a lot of other obligations right now, but I am hoping to get out for a little morning exploration both days over the weekend and tomorrow I’ll need to wash t-shirts and socks early enough in the day so the sun will dry them in the courtyard. I want to be well prepared with the topics we’ve covered the past few days because alejandra has already warned me that we’ll start in on piling on present tense verbs Monday, and I anticipate that’ll be some work, although pretty valuable stuff.

After class, I went to the Bagel Barn and checked my email and posted the first few days worth of this blog. I think I’m gonna have to resign myself to the Bagel Barn being the best wireless connection in town. I think I can maybe just upload and download email in the park during the day, even if the glare makes visibility difficult, and stop by the bagel barn every so often to upload this… we’ll see. I was happy that I’ll be able to post photos along with the text, I really wasn’t sure that the connection would be strong enough. As it is, it was strange being online and able to see the screen and able to get to web pages without losing waiting for minutes and usually losing the connection along the way. I was able to pay a little more attention to my chess move with bruce, than I have been, I was able to check in with grace, and I was able to read my emails instead of just downloading them for later viewing, which was a luxury, but not crucial. What I didn’t do was spend anytime clicking on any of the enticing headlines, I think I’m just gonna go ahead and let the world get along (or not) without me for awhile, I don’t really need to keep up on what’s goin’ on out there. let me know if anything big happens.

After that, I finished my book in the park, was hoping to run into jaron and nyama, I was going to give her the graham greene book, but I didn’t see them__ they might’ve already left town, I’ll carry it with me on my walk today though, just in case. I was so engrossed in the book, that I almost missed the procession carrying the jesus statue, but noticed the music just in time to walk over as it passed. I wished I had my camera, but I’ll remember next week, I think they do it every Friday during lent.

I came home and answered a few emails, which I’ll try to send off tomorrow from the park, or at least sometime this weekend. Then I went over to the burrito place and had a burrito and a beer. I watched Spanish subtitled Saturday Night Fever on the TV, and marveled at how young John Travolta used to be… time flies. I learned that according to the subtitles anyway, the Spanish for “far out!” is “fabulosa!” The movie didn’t hold my interest for too long though, or perhaps I would’ve added more words to my Spanish vocab list, instead I ended up talking with a Canadian couple who have been traveling since September and are about to head home. They encouraged me to check out san pedro when I get a chance, so I probably will__ my itinerary being pretty open to suggestion these days.

I had thought of going over to a bar after that, but the conversation kept me at the burrito place longer than I’d expected and so I just headed back here, deciding to save the bar for Sabado en las noches.

hasta pronto mis amigos.

Sabado 04/03/06

Alright, it’s really Sunday afternoon, but I didn’t get around to writing yesterday. I had a nice relaxing Saturday though. Headed out early, anticipating a sunny walk, but found it raining, which almost caused me to change my plans, but as it turned out the rain was a gentle misty kind of precipitation and simply felt like being sprayed by a refreshing full body spritzer. I wore my jacket because it was cool beneath the overcast sky, and a bit damp due to the sprinkles, but I had a very comfortable walk. I explored the southeast part of town, which I’d neglected until then. It’s home to a number of churches, which are majestic despite their dilapidations. First I found La Iglesia y Convento de Santa Clara which was built between 1702 and 1734, it has a beautiful little plaza in front of it with a raised walk and a fountain connected to a long row of centuries old cement wash basins that are still used for doing laundry. I wish Venice had something like it, it would save me from having to lug my duffle bag up to the Laundromat at Lincoln & Rose (or really, I guess it would just save michelle from having to lend me her car), as it is, we have a similar, but less ancient, rippled cement sink here in our own courtyard, where I’ve been discovering the simple joys of hand laundering__ brings out the amish in me. It helps to only have a few garments, thereby necessitating frequent launderings. The weather here is well suited to solar powered line drying, but I wonder what people do during the rainy season. Speaking of which, I didn’t take many photos on my walk because of the rain today, but I couldn’t resist snapping this shot of a horse and carriage out front of the convent.

From there I continued walking South, kind of aimlessly, because I hadn’t really read up on this stuff before heading off. I pretty quickly found La Iglesia de San Francisco, which was built in the 16th century and is also in pretty bad shape, but nevertheless still impressive. I bought some cashews and strolled around, I think I’ll go back some other day and spend more time there. Neither church survived the 1773 earthquake, which wrecked most of Antigua and brought an end to the city’s time as colonial capital__ rather than rebuild, the capital was moved to Guatemala City.

After that, I headed home, by way of Parque Central, where I stopped to relax and read up a bit on what I’d just seen. Once home I worked on my Spanish for awhile and then headed back out to explore. I walked North this time, because I had read that there is another little town a kilometer or so away and that there’s a hill with a good view of Antigua. The day being overcast, I wasn’t going to bother climbing the hill, but I wanted to check it out and also see what the other town (Jocotenango) was like. I had a nice walk and it was good to get out of Antigua a bit, but there wasn’t much of interest aside from more Guatemalan scenery, which was pleasant enough in itself, but not demanding of comment__ or maybe I’m hurrying through this a bit to get back out and wander around some more.

After that walk I headed back up to Parque Central and had lunch at a nice little restaurant with a pretty courtyard. The rain had let up for awhile, but I sat beneath the roof anyway. I had Tortillas Fundado con queso y ajo__ which, probably not surprising to most of you, was an interesting and enjoyable variation on the cheese sandwich.

After Lunch, I went back to my room, optimistically did a little laundry, although the rain soon returned, and finished my homework (mi tarea). Then I read for awhile and fiddled around with the new flash intro for my website, which I’d started last week in Venice, but hadn’t had time to finish.

In the evening, I walked over to the bar down the street and ordered a beer and was agreeably surprised to find that they were having a special deal, where they provided a complimentary small bottle along with the normal sized one__ so that was nice and kept me there for awhile longer than I’d planned. It’s a nice place for a beer and the people are friendly and it draws a sort of international travelers kind of crowd. I can see myself becoming a bit of a regular there, but I don’t think it will particularly help my Spanish studies much, there are quite a few English speakers there to distract me.

After the bar, I came back and went to bed, which explains why I’m writing this on Sunday afternoon. This evening I’ll try to write today’s entry, but now I’m off to look for some lunch (el almuerzo, don’tcha know).

Domingo 05/03/06

Happy birthday Brandon! Geez loueeze, you must be fifteen, where does the time go?

Sundays are big market days here in Antigua, so I wandered around, mostly just checkin’ it out, but keepin’ my eyes open for the perfect (or close to it) pair of flipflops. Not much to choose from, but that’s ok. Snacked on an bocadilla aguacate con tomate y lechuge. Got a little lost within the covered part of the market, but I’m starting to get my bearings in there… the trick is that you move away from the fish section and look for the shoe section and then you’re home free.

After the market I headed over to the park and downloaded my email, it took me three tries because I kept losing the signal and each time I have to start from scratch because the server doesn’t wipe the emails until the whole group has been downloaded… which is probably a good precaution, but makes it tough with temperamental connections. I think I’ve finally figured out that the bench to the southeast of the central fountain is the best place to sit for a good connection__ I’ll keep experimenting. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the bagel barn, so I can upload this and post the new index page, etc for the website, I feel negligent still having the one advertising the show up there.

Spent some time copying down Spanish vocab words in the park and then came back here and read lonely planet for awhile, beginning to make plans for post-Antigua adventures. I don’t think I’ll stick around here after the end of the month. As tempting as the holy week/easter festivities sound, I think I’ll be better off getting on with seeing some of the rest of Guatemala… a month will be plenty of time for now in Antigua… I can always come back.

I caught up with yesterdays blog entry and then headed off in search of food. I wanted to try out a restaurant that lonely planet had mentioned. It was over in the southeast part of town that I had wandered to yesterday, but I decided to take a little different route so as to check out a few streets I hadn’t seen yet. It was a nice walk and a found what looks like a good bookstore just before I got to the restaurant, so I browsed around there a bit. Then went to the restaurant, but it was closed___ I don’t know if that’s a permanent thing or just Sundays or just today… hours do seem to be kinda random around here, and I can hardly complain about that. I decided to head over to ceviches mex (the burrito place by me) but I paused to write a note to myself about the bookstore. As I was writing it, I suddenly heard nyama’s voice behind me. It was good to see her, although I felt bad for not having the graham greene book to give her___ I think it was the first time I’d wandered the town without it since I’d finished it. Anyway, we talked on the street for awhile and then went into a restaurant which she’d already been to and knew that not only did they have good food, but also scrabble. So I had a burrito and a couple beers while we played a game of scrabble, it was a lot of fun.

After scrabble, I walked nyama back to her place and then began heading home, but almost immediately ran into the street procession, blocking the road like a slow moving ninety car freight train. It was worth the wait though, with Guatemalan roman legions, dressed in rag tag armor, walking rhythmlessly along in scattered and distracted formation, stopping to chat with friends or taking calls on their cell phones__ actually, the two, whom I saw talking on cell phones weren’t the romans they were the clergy, some dressed in royal purple, pointy-hooded cloaks that made them look frighteningly klan-like. The big float was carried precariously by twenty-five or thirty men and boys, it kinda tottered back and forth as it went, but they held tight and forebore bravely___ the float itself was magnificent with Christ carrying the cross as an angel looks on, both of them surrounded (appropriately from a Guatemalan perspective) by flowering corn stalks, one of the smaller floats was carried solemnly by black clad women, who seemed to take there duty much more seriously than the men (who seemed to be having quite a bit of fun getting to be the center of attention, and doing their spiritual duty all at once). This was all accompanied by a thick cloud of incense, and the music from a tuba heavy brass band marching (ok, wandering) to the beat of a snare drum, followed by (and somewhat drowning out) a man pushing a noisy electrical generator (to light the floats) on a three wheel cart spewing out puffs of black smoke that mixed surprisingly well with the incense. It was fantastic__ very carnivalesque in every way (oh, except I guess carnival was supposed to be over last week__ well whatever, these people seem to know what they’re doing). At the end came the municipal workers dressed in matching yellow shirts and armed with brooms and shovels, cleaning up the path and throwing la basura either directly into a dumptruck, or into the front shovel of a slow moving back hoe, which was bringing up the rear. It was wonderful, I can’t believe I went out without my camera. From the sounds of it though, I should have lots more chances even if I do skip town before holy week. Sum it up to say, these people know how to throw a lent!

By the time the parade was gone, I’d somehow gotten turned around, and it took me a little while to find my way, which was complicated by the sense of urgency I felt to pee after having my two scrabble enhancing beers. But, it all turned out fine in the end and I found my way back, peed, have typed this, and still have plenty of time to study a bit before bed.

Buenas noches.

Tuesday 02/28/06

There was a long line leading off to the Taca desk when I walked into the airport. Luckily, instead of just hopping right onto the end of it, I asked a security guard if it was the line for Lacsa, and he told me no, that Lacsa was using the Virgin Air desk down a little ways to the right. The line there was pretty long too, but at least I didn’t have to wait in both. The very friendly woman at the desk, when it was at last my turn, reseated me because she said my assigned seat was between two people, she asked whether I wanted an aisle or a window seat and after some internal debate, I decided I’d rather risk having to squeeze past people if I had to pee, than miss any sights out the window. She really did me a favor as it turned out, because I had the whole row to myself, which was pretty luxurious. I began reading the Graham Greene novel Dov had given me only a couple hours or so earlier, just before leaving Venice, partly to keep my mind off the people I was leaving and partly to keep myself occupied until take off – it’s a kind of a morbid side of me I suppose, but I always like to stay awake until the plane is in the air, for fear that it will explode on takeoff, and although the ultimate result would be the same, I’d hate to sleep through my own death. Once the plane was up (successfully) I stuck with the book through the first chapter and then stashed it inside my jacket and closed my eyes. I guess I must’ve gotten some sleep, because the flight seemed to go pretty quickly, although it didn’t really feel like I ever managed to drift off. I opened my eyes after awhile and discovered the sun rising through the clouds as I looked down at it from above. It was intriguingly beautiful from that angle.

On the seat next to me were a couple scraps of paper, which I ignored, and a little packet of “aero chips” which were kinda puffy and crispy, and of a familiar but unidentifiable flavor. I flipped the pack over and found that they were platanitos, which was translated for me as plantain chips – there I was, not even off the plane and having a new culinary experience and language lesson all at the same time! I finished the chips, which weren’t great, but were salty and so, had the strangely addictive quality common to their breed. I watched the lush and undulating landscape pass by beneath me, but decided I shouldn’t get my camera out of my bag that I’d stashed away in the overhead compartment – probably a silly decision; those out of the plane-window shots would have been nice mementos.

I glanced down at the scraps of paper that had been next to the chips, and discovered they were my entry papers, waiting to be filled in by me. By that time, the plane had begun its descent, and so I hurriedly filled in my primer nombre, segundo nombre, and primer apellido, and then hoped they’d forgive the blank spaces labeled segundo apellido and apellido de casada. I wished I’d paid more attention to Spanish naming conventions, but it was too late to worry about that then, and I was too busy digging out my passport number and looking on my boarding pass (which had become a bookmark, now that I was thinking it was off duty in its official capacity) to find out what my flight number (numero de vuelo) was. Luckily there were good translations of the longer questions at the bottom of the form, so I was quickly able to write a zero in answer to, “how many minors or legally incompetent persons are traveling with you?” but I glanced around the cabin with an appraising eye just to make sure my answer would withstand any scrutiny at the customs desk. I felt certain I had no live plants or animals with me, and was fairly confident there weren’t even any dead ones, so that got a “no” as did the rest of the questions because I suspected that " no" was the answer they wanted, in order to make both my life and that of the customs agent easier.

The landing was gentle and quick after briefly swooping in over prettily painted houses and factoryish-looking buildings. We deboarded (debarked? got off? dismounted? left the plane, you know) and walked a little way and found the line for customs. Things went quickly and I was greeted pleasantly by a young woman who didn’t seem to mind my “I don’t know” answer to her question about where I was intending to stay in Guatemala. The airport was small. I tried two atm’s before finding one that would take my card, got some colorful local cash (Quetzales, you know) in denominations too large to be easily used. I walked out front, found a seat on a step and dug out my Lonely Planet to see if it would tell me where to catch a bus to Antigua. Before I found the page, a friendly man came up and asked, “Going to Antigua?” I said, “Si” before realizing he’d spoken English. He pointed me toward a bus, and I was off.

The drive was fun and I saw some sights. The bus dropped me off at Parque Central, which is, as the name suggests, centrally located. I found a bench by the fountain, which has four naked women holding there breasts as water flows forth through there fingers, as they seem to projectally lactate the stuff of life itself as a quenching beneficence for all of the suffering children of humanity(see above). It seemed like a sign that this was going to be my kind of place… and even in Venice there were those, who were upset over one little headless Robert Graham nude intended for the center of Windward Circle… ok, ok, maybe there were other issues than nudity involved and this fountain beats the heck outta anything Robert Graham's ever managed, so we’ll let it pass. Regardless, I knew this had to be a pretty good place with a fountain like that there to welcome me.

I read the Lonely Planet for awhile and then heard some music. A procession of school children, led by an officially clad brass band began parading around the square, carrying balloons and shouting chants. They seemed too young and wholesome for political marching, but being an out-of towner, I couldn’t tell what the theme was, or if it was a daily event or if I had stumbled on something out of the ordinary. I got up and walked to the street to watch and snap a couple photos. The whole thing was over in only about ten minutes and then I returned to my bench and the Lonely Planet. Sometime later, it was explained to me that it was a carnival celebration for Fat Tuesday, I hadn’t realized that apparently I was about to give up Los Estados Unidos for lent (and a bit longer).

My research finished and braced with a handful of addresses, I headed off in search of a room and a Spanish school. My search was fruitful and I found a nice landlord who runs a pleasant little place where I rented a room with a table and lamp (and a secure door, so I needn’t worry about leaving laptop and money behind. There’s a common bathroom and shower across a small courtyard, and a kitchen and balcony up a staircase outside my window. It’s maybe a bit damp, but not irritatingly so, and being on the ground floor, I do hear people as they enter, but perhaps if I stay I’ll move into one of the upper rooms, or simply ignore it. I’ll see how it goes tonight.

Took a walk in the afternoon, explored the city, got lost twice and each time found myself and made it back to my rented room. I’m sure there are people who speak English here, but haven’t encountered any aside from the broken English of my landlord (Edgar) and the better, but slightly taboo, English of the Director of the Language School where for the most part they stick pretty faithfully to Spanish.

Now, I’m beat. School starts tomorrow and I need some sleep, even if I really did get some sleep last night, it wasn’t deep and couldn’t’ve been more than a couple hours. I bought a little clock to wake me for school, I don’t want to be late. It’s been a big day, and a pleasant one. Venice seems so distant with so few things to remind me of it… hard to believe that that lovely farewell was only about twenty hours ago.

Wednesday 03/01/06

I shouldn't've worried about waking up on time, the roosters helped me out with that. The noises of people coming in and out needn’t’ve worried me either, didn’t hear a thing and slept great. Went to School this morning, and boy do I have my work cut out for me. Mi maestra se llama Alejandra and she walked me through the conjugations of ser, estar, y tener, and covered a little vocabulario with me. After class, I came home, took a cold, but not unpleasant shower, and set off for a burrito place that Edgar had recommended. Had a very good burro vegetario and headed down to check out the wireless potential at parque central. Looked all over for wireless internet yesterday, finally found it at a painfully touristy spot called the Bagel Barn, just off the park. It worked alright, but cost me five dollars for a bagel (Leonardo de Veggio, it was called__ no that’s not true, but that was on the menu, I almost ordered it, but ended up with one called Guate Guate) and a water. The bagel was good and the water was bottled (I’m kinda terrified of the other, to the point of keeping mouth shut in shower and drying my face carefully__ I don’t like stomach aches) but seemed kinda pricey for Central America. This is a pretty touristy ciudad, although not many North Americans, or so it seems so far, anyway. So I was happy with the burrito, which by comparison was a bargain, and the waitress was very nice. The point of mentioning the Bagel Barn though, is that last night, when I connected to the internet there, I noticed that there was also a connection named “central” which I guessed was at the park, so my plan for today was to go check that out.

So, after lunch I headed to the park. Got a connection, but the sun was so bright I could only barely see the screen. The computer was a big hit with the local kids who quickly gathered around and had fun randomly tapping buttons. I was glad to let them play, but did my best to keep the keyboard clear of potential ice cream drips___ several landed on the backpack, but I can live with that. After downloading email and deciding to read it later at home and out of the glare, I sat back to read a little bit. Before long I noticed a girl sitting at the next bench looking at the book and then whispering to her boyfriend (loudly enough that I heard it though) he’s reading Graham Greene! I looked up and smiled and she explained that she’d been reading Travels With My Aunt, and hated to finish it because she was enjoying it so much; she only had twenty pages to go. That started a conversation, which must’ve lasted a couple hours or more, which was great because not only were they (she’s Nyama and he’s Jaron) nice, friendly, intelligent people, but also they were the first people I’d really spoken to in a day and a half, and I really don’t want to repeat the no-speak experiment down here. Maybe when I finish The Power and the Glory, I’ll give it to Nyama. I hate to give away a gift from dov, especially when it might’ve just been lent to me and not a gift at all, but I think he’d understand. Hmmm, we’ll see. Not certain that I’ll see them again, they’re only in town a few more days, but I agreed to play scrabble with Nyama if either of us could find a board.

Now it’s quarter ‘til nine and I’ve got homework to do before bed.

Thursday, March 2nd

The learning curve in my Spanish class is pretty steep, or feels that way to me. Today was only day two, but I’ve got a lot of info flyin’ around my brain. I feel like I’ve made quite a lot of progress, but it’s rough goin’. I’m definitely gonna study a lot this weekend. It’s a one on-one-class with a great teacher named alejandra. She’s been teaching for seven years and she’s been at this, her third school, for three years. She likes it, but is hoping for a career change because of the unpredictability of the hours. Since the class is one-on-one, I can obviously go at whatever pace I choose, but I really want to try to make as much progress as I can as quickly as I can, so I can start communicating. We’ll see how it goes.

Wandered around the market for a couple hours after class, snacked on a sliced mango and browsed the wares. Kinda lookin’ for a good pair of flip flops, these shoes and socks are buggin’ me. Had some vegetable fried rice at a nice little restaurant. Went to the park and checked my email, but I might have to opt for some other solution to the internet connection because the wireless is pretty unpredictable. Stopped off at an internet bar on the way home to see if I could plug my computer up to their internet, but I don’t have the right port, I’m gonna try to see if I can transfer things via my mp3 player by way of usb, which the girl at the bar said they had, but I didn’t see it and I’m not sure if she understood me. We’ll see. I shoulda thought to bring a cdrw, but live and learn and I’m sure someplace here will sell me one if I look around... and looking around is what I do the most of as it is.

Antigua is a lovely city, and not just because of its name, which of course begins and ends with my favorite letter, as do some of yours, and you might know how I feel about that. But also its architecture and it’s colors and it’s setting, amidst lotsa green hills and beneath the towering volcano. I hope I can figure out a good enough internet connection to upload some photos with this; I took some the first day, but have neglected photography since then due to time or distraction… maybe both. This weekend, during study breaks, I hope to explore, and I’m sure I’ll take my camera with me then.

Time for homework (tarea) and maybe a little Graham Greene, before bed.

Later, still Thursday, 8:30pm (Guatemala is on US central time, just like Omaha, but they must call it something else… it’s an hour behind Ohio and Nuevo York and two hours ahead of LA, if you can believe that).

Finished my homework and went up to the internet bar across from the big yellow chuch (la merced, I’ll tell you about it later___ pretty impressive, but deserves photos and more time for the description, just added a little photo to the right, but I'll get the whole church sometime soon). Anyway, went there and tried plugging in my mp3 player to transfer this and the pics I took Tuesday so I could post it, but no luck. Ended up having una cervesa and watching the football on espn while listening to guns and roses singing about paradise city… just as I was thinking maybe I wasn’t that far from home afterall, I finished my beer and headed back toward my room, greeting the friendly looking guard (I’m not sure what he was guarding, but he was impressively uniformed, blocking the sidewalk, and holding an impressive looking sawed off shotgun, as I walked past) who hola’d me with a smile as he stepped back to let me by. The rest of my walk was pleasant and a bit sentimental as I watched the lovely yellow crescent moon (la luna, dontcha know), waxing at about one-eighth, laying on her back, and wondered what she looked like from Venice and who there might be lookng at just then her just then and were they maybe even thinking of me. Goodnight.

One last bit as I turn off this machine now fully recharged from its afternoon in the park. I was just now reading in the graham greene book, as the murderer lay dying and talking to the priest… something reminded me of what aliza was saying the other day about fairness, and then my mind drifted to the people here, and the people there, and the pandemic discontentedness seemingly everywhere, though I’m not yet cynical enough to believe that it really is everywhere… the thought is not complete, but I think it has something to do with the senseless futility of dissatisfaction… clearly love is our only salvation.

now goodnight__ and sleep well, mis amigos.