Monday, November 28, 2005

monday morning. way behind on this... more through disorganization and distraction than anything else. first, a quick recap... where did I leave off?

ok, I just checked (to see where I left off, you know) and on wednesday I did go to vidiots and rent rivers and tides and I did go and watch it with aliza, although she was also doing some packing, loose end tying, and showering, so she missed some of it, but I liked it (as did she)and was intrigued by the very different (from me) approach to art and the recurring theme of ephemerality in his (goldsworthy's) work. It was well shot visually and I think a lot of credit for the film's success goes to the cameraperson.

thursday was thanksgiving, I laid low, took it easy, painted and worked a bit, but mostly relaxed. it felt very holiday-like and comfortably solitary. I read in bed quite a bit and that felt like the height of decadence. I tried to figure out whether I would've felt lonely had I not had places to go if I wished, but it was hard to tell. I suppose I would've, but having options, I didn't. Ashly had called wednesday night and we had a good long talk, she was calling to extend a last minute invitation to go out to the valley for thanksgiving dinner, which was unimaginably thoughtful and warm, but I had already planned to go to tim's. michelle had also invited me to the dinner she was going to at marilyn's, but tim's seemed like the way to go and I think I chose well. I went over there around 5:30. had enjoyable conversations; first with anya's boyfriend jay, about art, and then with ian's stepmom mary about politics__ she's a professor of either political or economic history, I forget which, but pretty much on top of things. ian and rachel were in buffalo, pesha was in salt lake city (I think) so it was kind of a smallish crowd. tim's mom, stella was there as was sandy, who I think is his aunt, but might be just a family friend who's like an aunt (I think that's it)__ 90 something and lively despite having a broken femur within the past few months... her som tom(my) and his girlfriend who is very nice, but I can never remember her name. oh, and dov and somebody, who I'm pretty sure might be the gas station girl, no way to ask that one... although I guess if given the chance I coulda said, "so... how did you two meet?"

it's an interesting group, tim's mom quotes howard zinn and everybody has considered opinions that they express well. the group is pretty much of one mind politically, so the conversation was tame, although on other evenings the debate has become heated, I think with the slightly extended and trans-generational holiday crowd people were a bit more careful with remarks than usual, although maybe not... I don't really know that any arguments were avoided, I don't think I held my tongue, but I didn't feel the need to either.

friday, I went to the moca with michelle and saw the ecstasy exhibit, which I wasn't expecting much from and so, wasn't disappointed. it was pretty mediocre and held the doubtful distinction of being the first show I can think of that had a catalog that was quite a lot better than the exhibit. generally I would expect the catalog to simply support the show, maybe elaborate and mostly just remind, but this show was really not too good, but the book looked very comprehensive and attractively designed. I just glanced through it in the gift shop after walking through the exhibit, but that was my impression. either way, the show was not impressive... some neat things at best, but nothing inspiring. also saw a comic book show; some r. crumb and 1960's and 70's marvel comic book superhero stuff, that was interesting more in a historical way than as art, although some of the r. crumb stuff was impressive__ particularly his biography of charlie patton.

after the museum (oh, while I'm thinking of it, I also liked some little copper-plate etchings by a woman named, Jennifer Bornstein) we went for mexican food on olvera street. that was kinda mediocre too, but it was my first experience of a chimichanga style burrito, so that was somethin'. all told, our adventure into downtown was kinda lame, but we had fun and it was an adventure and it's good to be able to say that I do get out of venice every once in awhile, so I sound as if I'm speaking from experience when I say that I don't feeel like going east of lincoln if I can help it... or at least that if I'm gonna go east of lincoln, I want to go all the way.

geeez louise, that's only up through friday afternoon, I've really got to get back into the swing with these updates. friday night - stayed in, can't remember... watched a movie or read a book, I don't know. saturday - the usual thing all day, painted computered, read... emailed with aliza, in connecticut, which I liked because I think that means we can stay pretty active when I'm in guatemala, at least if I can find a connection, talked with michelle of course... we're on the five or six phonecall a day plan I think, I like it. planned to eat nachos and watch a movie, but ended up going over to ali's and drinking wine and watching buffy the vampire slayer while she made curtains to hide her bed. yesterday was sunday, worked on translating sketchbook drawings into black and white graphics (see above) but then got a critical email from aliza after sending er a sample and I think she might have convinced me to not pursue that route... it was fairly time consuming to do and if she didn't think it worked, then others would probably agree... myself included. I would like to find a solution to this though. she, offered the suggestion of a projected slideshow sort of thing... it's worth considering. went to dinner at michelle's last night__ red lentil soup, very good.

slept fitfully, scrawled some eve insights down on an index card next to the bed, I should go read that and see what it says. gotta brush my teeth too. sitting in fron of the heater all day, which is where I've got this computer usually, is drying me out, giving me dandruff and a sore throat. hmmmm.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

I don't know how it got to be wednesday and the last time I wrote was saturday... time's flying and I guess I've been distracted. I have things to write about, but they're gonna have to wait. for now, I'm just gonna recap events, while I remember them (if I do).

terrell's was good, small crowd but aliza and I found people to talk with. spoke with rafe (ralph? raef?) who I know from the coffeeshop, I thought he gave me his email, address, but I just looked for it and now I think I remember that I gave him mine instead. he seems like a good guy, I think he used to date shana, if I understood what he said. Terrell asked me to help him with his website, so I've been working on that a bit. aliza and I got home pretty early, 11:30ish maybe.

sunday, went to coffee with michelle because aliza and I weren't doing our sunday thing because she was going to moca with her friend ben, whom I'm pretty sure I met at the abbot kinney thing. it was a beautiful day and so I went down to the beach for a couple hours and finished reading the peter matthiessen book, the snow leopard, I think I'll send it off to my sister___ I ought to do that today.

monday, started work on terrell's site. worked on adding the pocket notes to my site. painted, which continues well. coffeeshop in the afternoon__ I went in the morning also. had lunch at leaf, a raw restaurant, with aliza and cameron. aliza's new car smells good. I had what they called a bedouin burrit, it was pretty good. I liked it more than raw foods daily.

tuesday, I woke up with the memory of a lovely dream of college town bicycle ridng___ oversized silly bicycle helmet, felt understood and appreciated by my peers... hmmm, sometimes I feel disconnected from the people i'm surrounded by and it's hard to tell whether it's me or them....

the rest of the day was more webwork. I uploaded the rest of the notes to my site. I optimized more of terrell's pictures for his site. I listened to frankl's man's search for meaning while working on terrell's stuff, had downloaded it from the library. went to figure drawing at the YWCA, the model was really good___ very sturdy but curvy asian who handled her body well, I really liked the poses.

this morning aliza woke me up with a phonecall from outside, I was half awake, but only half. she wanted to write me a check for the rental car and go to the coffeeshop before work, and that was all alright with me. I think we're gonna watch rivers and tides this afternoon___ I'll ride up to vidiots after awhile and rent it.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

saturday night now. gonna go to the closing at terrell's for the show I missed open last weekend. michelle decided to give it a miss, but only because she knew that aliza would go. so leez and I will head over there around 9:30 or 11. I think it'll be fun.

just finished a beer. after I type this, I'll take a shower and maybe have another... heck, you'r only young once, you know.

despite the previous post, which might give you a negative impression of my new voice to text software, I think it works great. it does require some editing and I have to speak slowly and clearly, but it's still a lot faster than I can type (which might not say much). the thing that it's really useful for is transcription, because I can type away pretty quickly with my two fingers when I'm typing out of my head, like I am now, but when I'm typing something that I've already written, man that takes awhile because I'm always losing my place__ you know? so anyway, the seemingly insurmountable job of digitizing the notes from the past few (four?) years is finished... and that's in just a few days. I think it would've taken weeks without the new software, so I'm pretty happy about it. I haven't added them to the website yet, but I will within the next couple days.

so, by way of brief recap, thursday evening ali came over and we talked, drank wine made collages, it was fun. friday evening michelle came over and had a few drinks while we waited for aliza to come and we were all going to go to chris's party, but michelle ended up skipping it because she had an early class. aliza and I had fun and after the party we went over to tim's for a final beer and to give aliza a chance to see his house and tim's new fluxus book which he's pretty glad to have.

my phone was out yesterday for an enexplained reason, but back on by late last night. got an email yesterday afternoon from liz saying mom was worried because she couldn't get ahold of me. having the phone out of order also made arrangements for last night kinda complicated, but email worked. I sent word through liz that I was fine and then called and spoke with mom this morning. she was concerned because usually she can leave a message at gotta have it, but I'm not there much anymore so that doesn't work. now she has phone numbers for most of my friends, in case of an emergency.

so, talked with mom first thing this morning, then talked with michelle and then susan, I think I was on the phone for most of the first three hours I was awake. then aliza called and we went to breakfast and then over to her place for awhile. I got back home around 1:30 and painted and did computer stuff all afternoon. took a break to go over to chris's to drop off cd's for him to burn portuguese language lessons for michelle on. since then I've been back here. michelle just called while I was halfway through this... we talked about old friends from back home and old relationships and recovery from them... it was a good conversation.

now I'll take that shower.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

the following garbled entry is my attempt to use my speech to text voice recognition software, the results are mixed, but make for some funny typos. I think the fault is as much mine, for not speaking clearly as it is the program, which works surprisingly well really.

Slipped well last night. Look up around 730 this morning. Once the coffee shop and read the paper. Are at this is too hard scientists can start talking to myself and seeing what happens and tried out my new voice recognition software and that I talk it types. Read the paper this morning and along west of the normal sorts articles about people dying in Iraq and the dishonesty of this administration there was an article of about two a new religion called universal the summer something like that in the skies here surprisingly enough is in for box which sounds to me like the main character from its shares that the galaxy roses and Fort Sumter a in a starter religion based on uncertainty on the fact we can know nothing the clever headlines the article was doubts is there co-pilot the religious soul sounds and a silly because the course you can't base of belief system on the idea that you can't believe in a five nevertheless the article did point out the fact or draw attention to the fact that people are aching for a believable religion people are aching for a new religion the old religion's organized religions but we have are dissatisfied him.
I think this is can't take little practice before the voice recognition software to update I blockhouse. It does make for some kind of interesting typos the law. A spent most of the day practicing with my voice recognition software reading pocket notes into word had in the program works surprisingly well-heeled. Attended this morning the painting is going very very well and I'm very happy with it. Bass 91 with 10 to go figure drawn against the road after that in this morning and started a new painting and close to finishing at a guess I have about four ago and that it's just touching up the ones are almost done the wrong ready hang on a wall some. Yesterday's one of about headsets I have a microphone for my laptop and today I downloaded the programs of the can open the I S self file for the speech recognition software and I downloaded some time ago. I really didn't think would work as well as it did. Although if your reading this bond edited, which I might post, you might think it doesn't work all that will all. But it's more meat and the program is sank I just need to really focus on speaking clearly, and remembering to voiced punctuation.
I went to the coffee shop at five. Son Dylan and talk to have, and need to remember to check out his short films on his web sites. Tim Kane, I and that's always good to see happen. I mostly caught up with Dylan though, while 10 talked of Cosmo. Tomorrow, and need to remember, to go over and borrow a crescent wrench, so I can raise my handlebars and seat.
Phone message from the shell when I got back from the coffee shop, wanting to go to talk tonight at dawn antennas. We went I had to been tacos, and shoe bohemia beers. We listened to secure on the drive home. I had called my brother to M, before we went to dinner. And when I got home I have a message from him and a message from Lisa. I call the leasing back, but it seemed too late to call to end in Ohio. Then I read morein sheer the voice recognition program. O Les I have answered for fallen the did send an e-mail and sounded upsets, so I called her back and look for a because she was asleep. I felt bad but they should get back to sleep immediately because she seemed pretty out of it. Is that understood that sentence pretty well.
That's enough for tonight. To are all practiced speaking clearly. Let's try that again. Tomorrow, I'll practice speaking clearly-yes, good job show (Joe-yes course parentheses-) that's better!
Good night.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

I'm gonna miss tim a lot when I go down to guatemala. the real problem is that not only do I not know when I'll come back, but also, I don't know what I'll do when I come back... it seems pretty likely that I'll head off to cincinnati to get a big group of paintings done, and so it might be this time next year or longer before I get back out here. I'll miss everybody, but somehow I feel like I'll really miss tim...

we went to figure drawing at the ywca tonight, the model was male, but the drawings went well. I really would much rather draw a woman, but for a male model, this evening was pretty good... sometimes it pays to go into it expecting the worst, which is what I did as soon as I saw who we were drawing...

I feel good. got up early and did the gotta have it consignment sheet, so that's done for another month. the day was beautiful, especially early on. I shoulda gone down to the beach, but I didn't___ I will tomorrow though. I ran a couple errands, paid some bills for denise, started a new painting, which went really well, and fiddled around on the computer, without really accomplishing much. I meant to call tim (my brother, not the other one) and find out what was up with liz's schedule and when we were gonna try to get the family together over the holidays, but I missed my window of opportunity, so I've got to call him tomorrow, flight prices are going up the longer I wait it seems.

the movie (ushpizin) last night was good... sparked interesting conversation on the ride home, I liked it more than pesha did and I think anya liked it, but I'm not sure how much... she sorta fell into the devil's advocacy role and so I'm not sure whether it was just her position or if she really liked it. it wasn't the movie so much that bugged pesh, it was the religious extremism of the characters. that didn't really bother me so much though... although I guess it would've bothered me more, if they'd been christian instead of jewish... woulda struck closer to home.

I'm hungry, gonna make some dinner and then get into bed and read. I was up around 5:30 this morning I think... wide awake and had work to do, so I figured I might as well do it.

Monday, November 14, 2005

so, no sunday breakfast with aliza, too bad, I was gonna make her potato pancakes, but had 'em myself... just as well, because they were kinda experimental because I don't quite remember how I used to do them... haven't made 'em since omaha (five years ago).

I did go with her to pick up her new car though. she called around 2 (we'd talked a couple times before that) and we met over at the coffeeshop because she wanted to get something to eat before we went. we got to the subaru dealer in santa monica, walked in and hollis was there, standing behind the desk. aliza started to introduce us, but the shocked expressions on our faces clued her in before hollis even said, "I know him." anyway, it was an unexpected but pleasant reunion. I kinda thought hollis was mad at me, but she didn't seem to be, so I guess everything is alright. I don't really know how long it's been since we've seen each other, but I know that the last time we talked on the phone I felt like she wasn't too happy with me. but everything seems ok now and she gave me her email and phone number without my having to ask, so I guess she doesn't hate me too much. it was good to get back in touch, I don't think I ever thought I'd see her again, but the world is surprisingly small sometimes. I reread some of the emails we sent to each other years ago, was surprised at how long we were in communication and how many emails we sent... she was really supportive during a pretty rough time for me and I was pretty much just a self-centered jerk. enough of that though___ i'll have to apologize someday when it feels right.

I left the subaru dealership early, so that I could get the rental car back in time. I stopped off at two gas stations on the way and neither would take credit cards___ michelle pointed out to me later that both stations had been arco, which I guess is true, I didn't really pay attention, but I guess arco doesn't take credit cards, I was starting to think that nobody did. as it turned out though, the fifteen dollars cash I had was enought to get the gauge up to "F" and that's all I needed. I pulled into the enterprise parking lot just in time at 4:28, but they were closed. grrrr. couldn't believe it, closed on sunday and no afterhours returns... grrrr again.

couldn't find parking over at my place, ended up driving over to michelle's and parking there. she'd called right before I left to see whether I wanted to come over and watch a movie, she said she'd wait, but by the time I got there, I was guessing she'd been waiting longer than she wanted. she was gracious and not put out though, which was great___ because she coulda been justifiably mad. called aliza, she'd gotten the car and was headin' home, she'd looked for me at enterprise already, so she knew the scoop. michelle made a yummy dinner, we watched crash, which people had been telling me to see for a long time. it was good and thought provoking, but not great, it's tough for a movie to live up to advance praise though.

came home, was kinda sleepy, read for awhile and fell asleep. aliza called shortly after I'd drifted off, still only 10:15, and we talked for a few minutes, but I was kinda out of it. got up this morning to find an email from her complimenting some illustrations I'd done and that made me feel good... she sent the email around 10:30, so she must've done that right after our phonecall, I guess whatever sleepy stuff I said hadn't been too offensive.

took the car in to enterprise right at 8am. they tried to charge me for five days but I was a hardass and insisted they only charge for four. it worked, but I kinda hated having to be an asshole to get my way. came home, went to the coffeeshop, read the paper. It was a beautiful morning, I painted for awhile, worked on the computer, but really didn't accomplish much___ I did make some progress on the postcard for the show, so that was good. I stopped up at deborah mcfarland's because I'd gotten some more mail from the state. she told me I'd have to call them, which I did. the guy was nice, but wouldn't budge on the late fines, it turned out that I only had to pay $380 instead of the $750 or somethin' they wanted, so that was kinda good news, but still a drag.

aliza called from school with some bad news about one of her neighbors, no need to get into that, but it was sad and she sounded upset, but she was in the middle of class and the kids were getting rowdy so she had to go. ian called, hadn't talked with him in a week or two, it was good to catch up with him___ they're all off to buffalo for thanksgiving week, they leave a week from today I think he said. anya called, the movie is at 7:40, she's gonna pick me up at 7, pesha might come.

I've got to do the consignment update for gotta have it before the shop opens tomorrow, I'll try to get started on it tonight so I don't have to do it all in the morning, but we'll see.

the painting is going well... feel like I'm finally figuring it out after 20 years.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

there's this memory that I have, that I don't think I can explain, because it's not really a memory of something that happened, it's just a memory of the way I felt. I know__ or I think I know, that I've felt this way before, but maybe it's just a trick of nostalgia. it's a feeling of security and assuredness, and it tends to remain just out of reach, but I believe in it because of this recollection... this memory, of having felt it before.

It's a slightly european memory, connected oddly with figueras or maybe florence___ odd because security and assuredness hardly seem like feelings I experienced there, but maybe I'm wrong. I connect it with madrid and in the US with, eugene oregon, despite the fact that I know I was terribly lonely when there... and even that last winter in omaha.

it's also a childhood memory and I feel sure it has its roots somehow in family christmas mornings, and summer vacations with my grandparents in upstate new york.

it's a somerset maughm feeling and sherlock holmes___ edwardian literature of a world before world war... not that war hadn't been atrocious before, just that the less mechanized world had seemed simpler and safer. it's the feeling I sometimes have when I reread old favorite novels.

it's a sunday morning listening to hippy music feeling. it's a college friend feeling from those days so long ago when it was unimaginable that a friendship could ever end, or even fade away.

I remember that feeling and I crave that feeling today, but it seems so out of reach... and I wonder if it only exists in memory...

I remember my grandfather teaching me to cup my hands so I could drink rusty water out of the green iron pump along the path up bear mountain.
anya wasn't in seattle afterall, and so for a little while there friday afternoon it looked like she'd go to terrell's with me, but it depended on prior plans she had with helent o do something. in the end, it turned out that helen had her heart set on seeing a movie, so I was outta luck. anya offered me her car, if I wanted to go on my own, which was very considerate, but I didn't want to do that. then a little while later michelle called and offered me her car, which was considerate of her, but again, not what I wanted. then ten minutes after I got off the phone with michelle, aliza called to say I could use the rental car to go to terrell's, and at that point it was not only considerate, but laughable... I felt very loved that three friends were calling to offer me cars, but at the same time, I'd lost interest in going to the opening, if nobody was going with me.

I stayed here and did computer stuff. the phone rang around 9:30, it was aliza, she'd taken a nap before going out and slept too long and cancelled her plans. she was eating oatmeal in bed. we talked for a long time (hour and a half?) it was nice. while she and I were talking, chris called from terrell's wondering where I was, but I didn't notice that message until the following morning.

saturday morning, aliza called while I was still in bed. we decided to go to topanga for breakfast at pat's grill and then go for a hike. it was a nice day. got home from that and had three messages from michelle, the first wondering where I was, the next two telling me about yardsale bikes. I went over to a yardsale by rose and walgrove and bought a $20 bike. it's not great, but it'll get me through the next few months or until something better turns up.

While aliza and I were out yesterday, I bought some cat scent deoderizer for my couch. it seems to be working, but requires multiple treatments, it might be a several-day project. I stayed home again last night____ just not really in to going out it seemed. tonight, I might go and see a movie with anya, don't know if aliza and I are on for breakfast today or not, I'll give her 'til ten to sleep or call, and then try her.

Friday, November 11, 2005

I don't really remember the details of the dream, but I remember thinking this morning I oughta be writing it down, but you know sometimes that works and then sometimes you just fall back to sleep. I know that the Fall is on my mind because of all the Eve research I've been doing and the descriptions of being clothed in bright nature, or garment of light while in the garden, but no longer bathed in that same brilliance once being sent out and given animal bodies of flesh... they are distraught and suicidal at having come out of the garden, but they grow accustomed to it eventually, and of course to their descendents it becomes just a story (well, to some of us... others seem to take it a bit literally. anyway, the dream was about being in brightness and then as I'm sleeping a veil is placed around me that darkens my world a bit, but since I'm asleep I don't notice it and I grow accustomed to it... also there was something confining, like my free space was reduced, my freedom of motion limited, but again I grew used to it. and it was very difficult to know, even when I began to suspect, whether this was really happening or whether it was simply nostalgia for the good old days... no way to know what it was like or way to compare today with yesterday.

pretty turned on when I woke up I remember, painfully so, but it couldn't've been from that dream... hmmm. had to roll over to get back to sleep.
sometimes I feel like leaving now. sometimes I feel like I'm already gone. reminds me of those last months in omaha, I was so ready to leave that time. here it's different though. this place changes right out from underneath you even if you stay... and the people leave you if you let them, even if they don't go away. susan and denise left, but in some ways they're still more here than others who are still here. I think we detach ourselves before a departure as a defense from pain___ whether it's us who are leaving or someone we love, but either way, the time leading up to departure is a drag.

the wrecked bike was the catalyst for all this. silly, it seems like it shouldn't make that much of a big deal, but it does... if I buy a good bike then I'd have to store it while I'm gone and if I don't then i'm walking for the next three and a half months. the solution is to just buy a hundred dollar bike and ride it for three months, but I haven't had any luck finding one so far today.

michelle and aliza are both preoccupied with their own stuff, and fair enough I suppose, but I really would've appreciated a little more sympathy from them... oh well. that's what makes me feel like skipping town though, makes me feel like I don't have anything holding me here... and yet, what I'm trying to do is write this book and paint these paintings and it's all supposed to be about beauty and connection, and here I am feeling disconnected and really struggling to see any beauty here...

bruce is supportive through online chess moves and I called susan. who's going through a much rougher time than anything I've got and I hardly talked with her about her stuff... went straight into "me, me, me" but she understood and that makes me really appreciate her. lucy's been concerned, but all of these friends are far away. I hope tim shows up to the coffeeshop, although it's friday, so he might not.

it turns out the opening at terrell's is tonight instead of tomorrow, neither aliza or michelle can make it, I probably wont go. I called anya, but she's probably up in seattle for the threeday weekend... my couch smells like cat pee, I'm thinking about just throwing it away.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

well, apparently I never got around to updating this yesterday, kinda thought I did, but now that I think about it, I guess I started writing something and just didn't post it. no real matter, I'm feeling unroutinelike these days, despite being very much in a routine.

I didn't even notice the gashlike cut on the top of my foot, until several minutes after I had walked my broken bike home, from the corner where the drunk rastafarian ran into me. It kinda stings now, but it's probably not so bad... nothing a little triple antibiotic ointment wont take care of, but it does sting now. I have to admit, my brakes aren't in great shape, but I'm not certain I could've avoided this guy no matter what evasive measures I'd taken. I was slowing down to cross on andalusia at cabrillo and he was turning left from cabrillo onto andalusia. he had cut the corner and wound up on my side of the street, saw me coming and when I tried to swerve to go around him, he just ran headlong into me... I guess we both swerved the same way. his bike is fine, actually I don't know whose bike it was, he said it was the first time he'd ridden one, which if so, was pretty impressive, because even though he wasn't doing a great job, it was pretty good for a first timer, especially a drunk one at that... and when he said he was "drunk," I think he meant, "drunk and stoned." it coulda been a lot worse, but I really wanted that bike to last me until I left for guatemala. now i don't know whether I should do without, buy a used bike, buy a new bike, just borrow a bike... I dunno. I'll sleep on it. I wrote my name and number on one of his rolling papers and he promised to call, and he probably will, but the bike really isn't worth getting fixed... on the other hand... actually, I don't know where the other hand is, let alone what's on it.

so, I was riding home from michelle's when all that happened. everybody in my world has tomorrow off because they're all school teachers and it's veterans' day. I can't believe we live in a world with wars and revered soldiers who fought and died for stuff... it's all somebody else's brand of insanity... I mean you go someplace and kill other people or they come and kill you, and it's about some idea or government... I don't mean to be flippant, or maybe I do, but violence is a stupid way to solve a conflict, and that's all there is to it... if you ask me, well i guess you didn't, so even if you don't ask me, that's what I think. I shoulda kicked that rastafarian guy's ass (just kiddin', you know). happy veterans' day eve everybody. I liked it better when it was called armistice day.

been reading a lot about adam and eve, been transcribing pocket notes___ so pretty much most of my efforts have wound up in the ramblings section of my site, check it out if you like.

it's been raining, so I haven't gotten much painting done, I think it's gonna clear up tomorrow.

I'm tired... and I'm sad about my bike. gonna go to bed i guess, don't even feel like masturbating, just read a bit and go to sleep... strange that wrecking my bike has that affect on me... some strange vehicular emasculation I guess...

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Had a pleasant rudnick family dinner this evening. Spoke briefly with michelle, briefly twice with aliza and at length once with ali, and then had a message from her when I got home, canceling the tentative plans we’d made for thurs.___ I think more through prior obligation, than through lack of interest, but you never know.

I’m content with my life; all it really seems to take is getting along with everybody; my commitment right now is to do that, and my method is simply going to be to focus on seeing the beauty around me___ something I think I might have been better practiced at in years gone by, and now need to hone up on.

I have lovely friends and a lovely life and from a place of love nothing wrong can occur. Spoke with Julie this afternoon, she’s a new mama and doing well. Hadn’t gotten around to calling until today although I think dean lucas helmer is a month old as of now, or earlier today, I suppose. Going to bed now, I think. Maybe watch a movie before I turn in, but up early tomorrow I hope and spend the day productively researching eve and the rest of that story… I should do this book afterall… we’ll see I’m playing around a bit with this new blogger for windows thing, just to see what I can do. Already know I have to add pictures otherwise, which is too bad, but ok, I guess. Goodnight.
not a lot happened yesterday. I went to the coffeeshop in the morning, but I've gotta tell ya, morning coffeeshop is kinda boring me these days... maybe I should start going early like I used to when I was working, not that it was any more interesting, but at least I'd get home and get my day started sooner. I didn't go this morning, but I'm thinking about taking the computer over there after awhile.

I talked to all the usual people___ michelle and aliza and tim, I guess that means. tim was mugged two evenings ago over by cabrillo and windward, three guys pulled guns on him__ very scary. luckily he got his wallet back___ a customer at strohs found it, told mike, who told tim, but he'd already cancelled the credit cards. he got his drivers' license back though and that's the lucky thing because that can be a hassle. also, he magically found a twenty dollar bill on the ground as he walked over to the coffeeshop yesterday afternoon, so that was almost a complete return of his losses.

lucy got held up with meetings again, so didn't make it by like she'd (and I'd) hoped, but will apparently be down more because of the freelance work she's getting. I called ali to see if she wanted to go for a drink, but no answer... oh well. michelle's car might just need a new battery, which would be great___ cheaper and easier than alternator or starter. aliza's car sounds kaput though and she's examining her options, but called for bus route info last night.

I've spent the morning downloading research stuff regarding eve, and will now go vote and then try to read through that. tonight's figure drawing I think, I hope the model is a woman. and poses like eve.

Monday, November 07, 2005

well, I'm clearly not great at keeping up with daily postings over the weekends. it seems that I've fallen behind repeatedly. I suppose however, that there is no real shame in getting distracted by other things... all work and no play, or something like that, I guess. I don't even remember where/when I left off___ let me check... ah yes, friday morning. hadn't heard from lucy the previous night and was still feeling anxiety from unresolved aliza issues. it's amazing what a difference a weekend can make, life is good again and all is well, largely due to things blowing over with aliza, I really hate the unsettled feeling I get when we fight.

so, friday lucy called to say she was going to be in hollywood with her mom, so we'd do something saturday___ but maybe she'd be back out here, should she call? yes of course, call if you're back on this side of town I said... I did, but really didn't expect her. called michelle, told her lucy wasn't around, we went for a drink or two at the townhouse____ fun, hadn't been there in awhile. we started out with a couple beers at sixish at her place (actually she'd started earlier) so after our beers at townhouse, I was still home by 10ish, maybe 10:30, not late, but kinda drunk. lucy had left a message 8:30ish, wanting to go to dinner, but had already turned in by the time I returned her call. I made some mac&cheese out of a box and watched a movie, but can't quite remember what it was... hmmm, let me think... nope, can't remember.

next morning (saturday, you know) went to the coffeeshop with michelle. got home, missed aliza, called and left message asking if she was still mad at me. she called back a little while later and everything seemed forgiven and ok, so that made me happy and relieved. played phonetag with susan, finally talked a bit, I guess we had talked a little the day before____ didn't have a relaxed nice long conversation until last night (sunday), but I just want to declare here what a great friend she is and how much I appreciate her. you never know until it happens which friends are gonna survive through hard and easy, thick, thin and geographical distance, but susan's a part of me and my life no matter what, and I'm glad. just imagine how difficult long distance communication was even just a hundred years ago, let alone a couple hundred___ and now, it's so much easier to keep in touch than it was even ten years ago___ zip, I send an email and there it is. an email is not as good as a phonecall, and a phonecall is not as satisfying as being there, but they're all better than nothing, so I'll be appreciative of that.

saturday night, went to wabisabi with lucy, had a glass of wine at capri while we waited for our table, that was my favorite part I think. we had wine at my place before and after, so by 12:30 when lucy left I was a bit buzzed. aliza called just as I was going to bed, she'd been out at an art opening, and I guess just called to chat... maybe to let me know everything was back to normal... at least that's the way I chose to take it.

woke up sunday morning at ten 'til seven, peed and checked my email. I meant to turn on the heater and get back into bed for a bit, but forgot about the heater and next thing I knew it was two hours later and I was cozy under covers, and the apartment was still cold. michelle called and I stayed in bed talking with her for a half hour or so. while we talked, aliza called, so I called back (no call waiting remember) and we decided to breakfast. I went over there, she made eggs, salad, veggie sausage and had some raspberry bread she'd made the day before__ yum. then we looked on ebay for a car for her and then uploaded photos from her camera. we finally burned a disc with grace's piercing photos on it.

I think it was close to five when I got home. lucy was thinking we'd maybe have dinner, but she ended up being at her mom's 'til late and didn't call til around ten and by then, I'd already given up on her. I spoke with michelle a number of times between aliza's and after___ her car died in westwood early afternoon and she left it at a shop and is calling them today to have them put a new alternator in it. haven't talked to her yet, but will phone when I finish this typing. I posted the photos for grace so she could download them and then surfed blogs.

I really ought to get past just the chronicling of dull events, and write about what's on my mind, but for now, I think this is the best thing to do, even if it does make for pretty dull reading. I imagine myself in twenty years reading back and reminiscing and I look forward to it, in some strange sort of reverse nostalgic way.

I'm finished with the three sketchbooks, although I could transcribe the burlap text, I'm not really sure what the next step is after that. I suppose back to pocket notes... maybe I should sort those and only transcribe some of them... hmmm. one of the things that's been eating up some of my writing time is that I've been responding to other people's blogs... I guess there are worse vices... maybe I'll post some of them here, just to have them documented, so I don't have to keep the links around.

Friday, November 04, 2005

slept like a rock. woke up around 6:30, vaguely aware that I'd had a really pleasant dream, but couldn't remember it. I laid there and pieced part of it back together, but don't know quite why it left me feeling such peaceful contentment... I fell back asleep and didn't wake up until 8, but I think I remember most of what I recalled at 6:30. here it is:
I was at the newton's school, but it was at a different location. it felt
like upstate ny from my childhood, rural chazy... on my grandparents' property,
but the buildings were different. I was not working at the school, but
apparently I spent a lot of time there. I had been there ever since I'd
stopped teaching, but all I did was try to figure out ways to get up on the
roof. I had tried to climb up using some kind of bambooish attachment on
the outside wall of the main school building, but it had simply pulled away from
the wall. then I tried to sort of scrape my way straight up, and although
I got as far as a window ledge, I couldn't find a handhold that would let me get
higher. finally, although it seemed like cheating... and this felt like
after months of trying other ways, I decided to go over and get a chair to stand
on. as I went across the yard to get the chair, the students came
out. Lindsay walked past me and said with sincere appreciation, "you're
doing great at being unemployed!" and I thanked her, feeling genuine
appreciation and satisfaction. I got the chair and headed back over to the
wall, noticing another person, not stephen, but it would've made sense had it
been him, laying on the ground, relaxing. I thought, "gee, he's doing
better at being unemployed than I am." I set the chair down next to the
building and was about to climb up on it, confident that it would allow me to
reach the roof, but before I could do so, john newton came out and sat down on
it. I was glad to see him and we started talking, I was a little
frustrated that his sitting there was keeping me from reaching the roof, but I
was enjoying the conversation... I don't remember what we were talking about.

that's all I remember of that.

Yesterday was pretty uneventful. I posted the graphpaper sketchbook pages up to the 2004 section of the site, I started transcribing the written parts, but didn't finish. there are a few good things, I'd forgotten about in it, so that's good.

Lucy had emailed yesterday, saying she was around, but going to the spa with sailene and would call after. she didn't call until 10:30 last night because she had ended up going straight to an exene art show/reading at bergamot and didn't have my number with her to invite me along... we'll do something today or tonight, she's gonna call. all that was ok, because I was really thinking it would be nice to either do something with ali or try to resolve the whole thing with aliza. I called ali, but she had a visiting cousin to go to dinner with and I didn't call aliza, because I am guessing she'll call when she's ready to talk. if I still haven't heard from her in a couple days, I'll call her.

Michelle again has shown herself to be a constant and reliable friend, talked with her a few times yesterday and appreciated her support. susan returned my email from the day before and encouraged me to call anytime, but I feel like I should wait for the weekend, since it costs har money during the week, I think.

went to the coffeeshop at 5 and read, nobody else showed up. surfed blogs for awhile, wrote a comment to some guy (and by "guy" I mean, pompous christian ass) who felt that poverty was caused by moral degradation. watched half of a movie, and drank a little wine and ate halloween candybars alone, it was a nice evening.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

feeling better today, but was pretty glum most of yesterday and never got around to writing. I feel bad that here I am with this great life and yet I'm unhappy. I mean it's really just been this week and it's clearly about being upset that I'm not getting along with aliza, which is a reasonable thing to be upset about, because she is one of my best friends and often the most active of my friends, but nevertheless, I wish I was enjoying this freedom I have instead of dwelling on this.

she called a few times tuesday night and I thought everything was ok, but then she called back and was all of a sudden angry at me, and I don't really understand what changed. she'd had a conversation with john, but I don't know what that had to do with why she was all of a sudden angry. I apologized for the way I reacted to the thing at the bar the other night, but she just kept going at me and clearly was just going to be angry no matter what I said. she ended up pretty much hanging up on me___ she said goodnight, joe, but didn't wait for me to respond and it wasn't really like the conversation was over__ at least from my point of view. I called back to try to figure out, what had happened with her conversation with john to get her upset with me, but she didn't answer and never returned the call. the whole thing is kinda crazy and it now seems to be about the fact that I got upset about her being inconsiderate more than about the inconsideration that began it___ and my apologies only seem to make things worse, like the fact that I'm willing to acknowledge my poor behavior somehow justifies her actions which inspired it.

whatever. I love her, she's my dear friend, I just want to resolve this and get back to normal. on the other hand, I'm determined to not give in to my tendency to accept being mistreated by her. and it bothers me that she's so anxiously recreating the facts of our recent conflicts___ casting them in a light that does not coincide with my recollection. we're all entitled to, and limited by our own viewpoint, but I remember what happened and I was there too.

so that was yesterday, thinking about that and alternately being sad and irritated. I uploaded the pages for the little leather sketchbook, today I should get to the graphpaper one and then I'll have them all up. from there I'll either work on transcriptions or resizing old things, like early painting sections, or I suppose I should go through and prep the odds and ends from the past few years... or really work on eve writings. I guess I do still have a lot to do.

talked to michelle a few times yesterday, she's enjoying her break, only has a week of it left though. went to the coffeeshop and saw tim and mike, but was kinda moody and let them do the talking. got home, had a message from ali with her correct email addresss so I forwarded the halloween pics. a message from anya wanting to go to dinner and a messsage from michelle. anya and I went to dinner. michelle and I talked a little before anya picked me up and then I called again when I got home, but she must've already turned her phone off for the night.

lucy emailed this morning to say she's in town. she had said a few weeks ago she was coming down for her birthday, but I've asked twice in emails if she was still doing that and she's ignored the question both times, so I figured she was not. now she's here, which is good, but I wish she'd given me a bit of notice. I emailed back (with chess move) to see how long she'll be around. I kinda wanted to see if ali wanted to do something tonight and if not then it would sure be nice to try to clear things up with aliza. but if lucy's only around briefly, then I should spend some time with her. I'm feeling frazzled and my priority has to be getting things resolved with aliza because that's what's on my mind... I hate unresolved conflict.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I'm pretty happy with this painting (to the right). it's the one that's on the back of the first of the four new burlap pieces I've cut down to size (40x30"). I'm feeling as if, after years of trying to find the line between drawing and painting; the line that captures the freshnesss and breathiness... aliveness, immediacy of drawing, with the color and vitality and weightiness___ that's not quite the right word... substantiality, maybe___ of painting, I've found a method that works... it's very exciting. This breakthrough makes me consider skipping guatemala and heading straight to cinci and doing a new group of paintings right off after the january show, but I doubt that I will... the next group can wait and waiting will allow for development of ideas and plans.

yesterday, I painted and finished cleaning up the burlap sketchbook scans. I haven't added them to the website yet, I'll begin working on that today. denise, called and we talked for quite awhile, it was really good to touch base with her, I miss her, she understands me, we understand each other, I guess, it's good to have someone I've known as well and as long as her around, her absence definitely affects my life here. probably not as much as susan's absence, but maybe___ I don't know, they're not really comparable... I miss them both. in different ways I really count on the connections, the love, I have with them. having them gone leaves a gap.

went to the coffeeshop at 5, sat out front with tim and mike. ali drove by on her way home, I knew she had probably called and so I told her through the car window I'd be home in 15 minutes and call her then. so, I did and left a message because, as it turned out, she was over at her neighbor's__ whose name I still don't know. anyway, when she called back, she said her neighbor wasn't going to go to rialto for awhile, and so I asked her to come over and hang out with me and give out candy to trick-or-treaters. so she did and it was fun and we took photos of ourselves in our pirate costumes___ she looked really great.

we walked over to rialto, almost immediately ran into aliza and what looked like a date, but not somebody I've heard about, we talked for a minute, but there's still a bit of tension from the other night, which was uncomfortable, but I guess we've been through this sort of thing enough times to assume it'll blow over, we just need to find a chance to talk. anyway, I introduced ali to her and rachel and brian. later we ran into jason, and yuniko and kit and kate and probably other people, that I'm not thinking of right now. we waited in line to go into a haunted porch, it was pretty lame, but kinda funny and I give the people an A for trying.

after doing a complete circuit of the street, ali and I walked home and she came in for a beer. we had a nice talk and I was really enjoying getting to know her better. chris showed up in a really great costume that a friend of his had made. he drank a beer and took photos and hung out. ali decided to go home, and did. grace, dan and bryce arrived about five minutes later and I called ali to come back over and meet them, which I'm really glad she did, because we'd just been talking about them earlier and I wanted to show them off, I'm proud of them. then she left again, then chris left and then bryce's joe called for directions to pick him up. so he came and got bryce, and then dan and grace and I went over to the coffeeshop because hilary was coming from emily's party to pick them up.

after that I walked home and found a message from michelle, I called her back, but no answer. as I was doing that, dov and his friend steve, stopped by wearing cowboy hats. they came in, I was out of beer, but they sat around and talked anyway. after awhile, they left and I closed the place up. I had stopped at the library earlier and gotten movies and begun watching a tom hanks thing called the terminal while I ate around four (I don't know whether that was lunch or dinner). so I turned that on and watched it. michelle called at some point and I paused it to talk with her, we had a good talk.

went to sleep after the movie, woke up, around 8, went to the coffeeshop, skimmed the paper, nothing too interesting__ the new justice nominee looks awfully conservative and anti-abortion, october was deadliest month since january for US soldiers in iraq... same old stuff.

tried to email ali a few photos, but I must've gotten the address wrong. I really enjoyed hanging out with her last night.