sometimes I feel like leaving now. sometimes I feel like I'm already gone. reminds me of those last months in omaha, I was so ready to leave that time. here it's different though. this place changes right out from underneath you even if you stay... and the people leave you if you let them, even if they don't go away. susan and denise left, but in some ways they're still more here than others who are still here. I think we detach ourselves before a departure as a defense from pain___ whether it's us who are leaving or someone we love, but either way, the time leading up to departure is a drag.

the wrecked bike was the catalyst for all this. silly, it seems like it shouldn't make that much of a big deal, but it does... if I buy a good bike then I'd have to store it while I'm gone and if I don't then i'm walking for the next three and a half months. the solution is to just buy a hundred dollar bike and ride it for three months, but I haven't had any luck finding one so far today.

michelle and aliza are both preoccupied with their own stuff, and fair enough I suppose, but I really would've appreciated a little more sympathy from them... oh well. that's what makes me feel like skipping town though, makes me feel like I don't have anything holding me here... and yet, what I'm trying to do is write this book and paint these paintings and it's all supposed to be about beauty and connection, and here I am feeling disconnected and really struggling to see any beauty here...

bruce is supportive through online chess moves and I called susan. who's going through a much rougher time than anything I've got and I hardly talked with her about her stuff... went straight into "me, me, me" but she understood and that makes me really appreciate her. lucy's been concerned, but all of these friends are far away. I hope tim shows up to the coffeeshop, although it's friday, so he might not.

it turns out the opening at terrell's is tonight instead of tomorrow, neither aliza or michelle can make it, I probably wont go. I called anya, but she's probably up in seattle for the threeday weekend... my couch smells like cat pee, I'm thinking about just throwing it away.