happy halloween.

ok, so we went to cafe 50's and lingered over breakfast while aliza made plans for her day and her future (phd program?). she wanted to go to the 99¢ store, big lots, and lincoln fabric. so we did all that and then went back to her place to work on her costume. I came home from there, maybe around four, but i'm not sure on time. called michelle to see if she wanted to go out with us that night, but she didn't. aliza's plan was to get a bunch of people to come over to her place and drink there before going out to whatever parties we could find. that kinda fell through though because everybody except me and aliza already had other plans. I was a bit worried that the whole thing was going to fall apart, but when I called aliza around 8:30 or so, she was getting ready and we were definitely on. so we met at the other room, I was wearing my pirate costume and it looked good, but it was hard for me to see with the eye patch on, so I wore it flipped up most of the evening.

I had just opened my second beer when aliza called to tell me she was on her way, so I stashed it in my coat pocket and headed off to the bar with it and finished it there. that done, I ordered another, aliza was sipping a glass of wine. we talked with some australians for awhile and then some other people, one guy dressed as a venice mother, I remember.

by the time we'd finished our drinks, aliza didn't think it was late enough to go to the first party, and so I went to the bar to get us another round. while I was standing there, aliza stood behind me for a couple minutes, and I glanced around and saw her there right before I got the drinks, but by the time I'd paid for them, she was gone. I thought she must've gone over and found a table, so I looked around, but didn't see her. I walked through the place twice and she definitely wasn't there, so I decided she must be in the bathroom. I went over by the bathrooms and waited and waited and finally convinced myself that she couldn't be inside. so I walked around the bar, thinking maybe we'd crossed paths, like she had come out of the bathroom right before I went over to wait there for her. but she still wasn't anywhere. I was at a loss. finally I looked out the front window and she was outside, laughing and having a great time with a group of people. I was pissed off. I really don't get pissed off that often, but I was really angry and seeething. her ditching me like that seemed outrageously inconsiderate, and the thing that really pissed me off is that it didn't seem that strange, I felt really taken for granted and I had the feeling that that happens pretty often with her and usually I just ignore it because it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I don't know if the other night was just more over the top rude than other times or whether I was just more sensitive to it, but I know that I was pissed off and my anger grew and grew as I stood there waiting for her to come back in. I felt like a sucker and I felt like somehow, by allowing her to take me for granted I had set myself up to be mistreated and I felt an urgent need to put a stop to it and let her know that it was not ok to do that to me. I was hoping that I'd finish my beer before she came back in and then I was going to leave her wine at the bar and go outside and tell her where it was and that I was leaving, I was really in no mood to be around her. unfortunately though I suppose, she came in while I was still trying to gulp down my drink I handed it to her and told her what I thought of how she had treated me. she felt like I was yelling at her and got embarrassed because we were in public, although nobody was paying any attention, but by that point I had gotten enough of it off my chest that I could at least consider her feelings about it and not be quite so mad, but I still felt like she really doesn't consider my feelings as much as I think I deserve, but that's just gonna have to be something that I draw lines with, because you can't force somebody to be considerate... on the other hand, I don't have to let myself be walked all over. in this situation it would've been completely different if she had just told me she was going outside, and I really can't imagine why she didn't except that she really was out of touch with where that would leave me__ and if you're at a bar with somebody, you ought to be in touch with the other person. if we had been with a group, that would've been different too, because there would've been others, I could've gone over sat at the table, set her wine glass down and continued on with my evening, but she just left me stranded there. I don't know, it all seems really childish and petty in retrospect, but I really felt alone and it really made me feel that deep down she doesn't care about me and is more that ready to dump me off whenever the whim takes her, and that made me feel pretty miserable that somebody I consider one of my closest friends and spend more time with than I think anybody else, cares so little... I mean where does that put me? and what does it say about me? I'm sure I'm overreacting, but nevertheless, that's how I felt and to some degree still feel.

we kinda patched things up and I felt a bit better. she explained that their was a guy outside on ecstasy who had sort of attached himself to her and she couldn't escape and didn't realize how long it had been, that she'd meant to just go out and bum a cigarette and she'd really only had a couple of drags of somebody else's and that she was sorry. I fely bad and guilty because I always feel bad and guilty when I get upset with somebody I love and so it sorta seemed like things were better. we decided to go to the party, I had finished my beer and I put her wine glass in my pocket and held it upright as we walked out the door. just as we got to the corner though, rachel called and said that she and jenny were coming to the bar to meet us. so we walked back.

we were at the bar for awhile and then headed to the first party. it was pretty fun, I mostly hung out with rachel and jenny because I still felt upset or uneasy about aliza... really it's just that my feelings were very hurt, I just felt abandoned and taken for granted and unappreciated and unloved... I felt alone. but I had a nice time with jenny and rachel and a few others and the party was pretty good. then we went to the next party which was around the corner. it was fun, more of a dance party than the first. we were there for awhile and it was getting kinda late (1:30?) and things were dying down a little and I decided to go home.

woke up the next morning, not at all hung over, but remembering the thing with aliza and still feeling hurt and angry. michelle called to see if I wanted to meet her for coffee and so I walked over to the coffeeshop. when I got there, aliza and rachel were sitting out front, which was a surprise and I realized that I still wasn't really ready to talk with aliza. I just waved "hi" to them and went in and sat with michelle. aliza ended up coming in and it was alright, but I was still feeling hurt and sensitive. then the next thing I new, michelle was mad at me about correcting something she'd said and it seemed like nothing I could say made any difference and then she recruited aliza into it and they kinda teamed up on me. I finally gave up and left, but the whole thing sorta spoiled most of my day.

on the plus side, the back of the first of these new burlap pieces is a big breakthrough, I'm very excited about it. much more drawing-like, I'm finally figuring out how to keep the paintings fresh like drawings. I think the tuesday night figure drawing sessions and having been going through my sketchbooks lately has helped a lot.

talked with aliza and michelle later, things are still a bit fragile, but I guess everything will work out. I called aliza to apologize for getting so upset, but she didn't answer__ I left a message. I had talked with her earlier though, kinda briefly, but she called to get a phone number and it was ok, although it wasn't like she was reaching out particularly. I don't know, I'm sure I hurt her feelings too, and I feel bad about reacting that way, I didn't want to be mean, but I'm sure I was. now I'm embarrassed.

ali called around 10:30, she's going to bring the telescope over after work and maybe I'll go over to rialto with her and her neighbor.

this morning I've been to the coffeeshop, read the new venice paper with the article about tim's kitchen. then I went up to gotta have it and picked up some mail for denise because she sent an email saying she might call today. I cut three new burlap pieces to paint on, they're 40x30" each, which matches the first one, now I'll have four which will make eight images front and back. mom just called, she killed a spider with a rock I'd given her quite a few years ago, she was thankful for the rock.