feeling better today, but was pretty glum most of yesterday and never got around to writing. I feel bad that here I am with this great life and yet I'm unhappy. I mean it's really just been this week and it's clearly about being upset that I'm not getting along with aliza, which is a reasonable thing to be upset about, because she is one of my best friends and often the most active of my friends, but nevertheless, I wish I was enjoying this freedom I have instead of dwelling on this.

she called a few times tuesday night and I thought everything was ok, but then she called back and was all of a sudden angry at me, and I don't really understand what changed. she'd had a conversation with john, but I don't know what that had to do with why she was all of a sudden angry. I apologized for the way I reacted to the thing at the bar the other night, but she just kept going at me and clearly was just going to be angry no matter what I said. she ended up pretty much hanging up on me___ she said goodnight, joe, but didn't wait for me to respond and it wasn't really like the conversation was over__ at least from my point of view. I called back to try to figure out, what had happened with her conversation with john to get her upset with me, but she didn't answer and never returned the call. the whole thing is kinda crazy and it now seems to be about the fact that I got upset about her being inconsiderate more than about the inconsideration that began it___ and my apologies only seem to make things worse, like the fact that I'm willing to acknowledge my poor behavior somehow justifies her actions which inspired it.

whatever. I love her, she's my dear friend, I just want to resolve this and get back to normal. on the other hand, I'm determined to not give in to my tendency to accept being mistreated by her. and it bothers me that she's so anxiously recreating the facts of our recent conflicts___ casting them in a light that does not coincide with my recollection. we're all entitled to, and limited by our own viewpoint, but I remember what happened and I was there too.

so that was yesterday, thinking about that and alternately being sad and irritated. I uploaded the pages for the little leather sketchbook, today I should get to the graphpaper one and then I'll have them all up. from there I'll either work on transcriptions or resizing old things, like early painting sections, or I suppose I should go through and prep the odds and ends from the past few years... or really work on eve writings. I guess I do still have a lot to do.

talked to michelle a few times yesterday, she's enjoying her break, only has a week of it left though. went to the coffeeshop and saw tim and mike, but was kinda moody and let them do the talking. got home, had a message from ali with her correct email addresss so I forwarded the halloween pics. a message from anya wanting to go to dinner and a messsage from michelle. anya and I went to dinner. michelle and I talked a little before anya picked me up and then I called again when I got home, but she must've already turned her phone off for the night.

lucy emailed this morning to say she's in town. she had said a few weeks ago she was coming down for her birthday, but I've asked twice in emails if she was still doing that and she's ignored the question both times, so I figured she was not. now she's here, which is good, but I wish she'd given me a bit of notice. I emailed back (with chess move) to see how long she'll be around. I kinda wanted to see if ali wanted to do something tonight and if not then it would sure be nice to try to clear things up with aliza. but if lucy's only around briefly, then I should spend some time with her. I'm feeling frazzled and my priority has to be getting things resolved with aliza because that's what's on my mind... I hate unresolved conflict.