just got home from john's taco party. it was fun, but the no speak thing is really wearing me out. I guess this is hump night__ by the time I wake up tomorrow, I'll be more than halfway done. I really hadn't anticipated how hard this would be. I do think it's valuable, but it makes everything a little more awkward/difficult/complicated. it doesn't help communication, but it does emphasize aspects of communication. it makes ma feel very vulnerable and the result of that is that I really value my friends. I don't allow myself vulnerability much these days, and I think that's the most beneficial thing for me out of this. funny how I cried everyday for most of a year and now have hardly cried in the past five... too much time has gone past while I've been out of touch from my emotions. I've cried a bit everyday since I stopped talking and I think that's good. I've been protecting myself too much for too long.

aliza and michelle both came through for me in a big way tonight. I really felt loved and valued and I really needed to feel that way. a part of this experience is to find out what is me and what are my words. I want to be seen as me regardless of my words, I want to know who I am. yes, I guess this doesn't really show me, but it does hint at it. I want the essence... I want the essential communication... I want love and connection. and yet really this experiment most often makes me feel isolated and alienated... but that leads me to greater appreciation for connection when it happens.

I dunno, I'm a bit drunk. I'm melancholy and ecstatic all at the same time. I'm privileged to be able to fuck my life up like this just to see what will happen and know that nothing devastating can really happen to me. I feel immune to all life's ills and yet so simultaneously vulnerable.

today was beautiful and warm again. got up and did computer stuff, skipped the morning coffeeshop. went to the beach after mailing mom a birthday book and a couple bills for denise. swam, read, came home, painted worked on website (still the photo section), went to afternoon coffee, saw tim__ he was struggling without my conversational input__ I felt bad, I really didn't recognize the burden this would place on my friends. came home from the coffeeshop, made game moves with bruce and lucy, and then went over to the party at john's. that was my day, now it's time for bed.