saturday morning now, didn't have the energy to write when I got home last night__ wrote an email to aliza instead. she'd written me earlier in the evening to tell me her mom had arrived safely and ask how I was. she's emailed me a couple times this week, which I really appreciate; everybody seems to have found their own solutions to dealing with my silence, and that makes me feel good.

yesterday was a rough day. the party the other night really drained my emotionally and psychologically. it's really hard to be around people and not talk__ very draining, it's especially hard being around strangers. I feel like I'm misrepresenting myself, I feel like a goofball (of course maybe I am), I feel like I'm not giving myself the opportunity to make a positive impression... and most of all I feel separated and trapped inside my own head and I feel incapable of describing to anybody how it feels to do this... separate and alone__ amazing that just not talking can have this effect.

I think with time maybe I'd get used to it and the people around me would get used to it and it wouldn't be so painful and tiring__ but the truth remains that we are separated and it does hurt to be trapped away from others in our individual selves, whether we can talk or not. we're used to our plight, so often we don't notice it, but sometimes we do. I mean it's silly really that it is taking this experiment to remind me of the pains of loneliness and separation anxiety, but I guess that's what it is.

trapped inside my head with no way out... I feel alone and yet it's hard to be with people. it's much easier to hide and distract myself with projects. That's what I did yesterday. I skipped the coffeeshop just because I was late getting going and didn't really feeel like dealing with it and michelle had mentioned she was meeting barrett for a big talk after close to a year of not seeing each other I think, so I didn't want to intrude on that. anyway, I didn't go.

I worked on the computer, finished the photo section (minus comments/descriptions/captions of course) and then began work on the books section, adding the my body next to your body book and the sonnets from the portuguese book. I'm pretty close to finishing up on those, I'll work on them some more after I finish this. from there maybe it'll be time to begin compiling the ramblings and the notes from the experiment into conventional lifestyle. I haven't really thought ahead.

it's overcast and chilly today but I think I'll bundle up and head down to the beach anyway, I think that skipping the beach didn't help my mood yesterday, which was largely glum. instead of going to the beach I watched born into brothels__ aliza had gotten a copy from carrie (sp?) and left it along with some chiclets in her mailbox for me (the chiclets were to give me something to chew so that I'd have an excuse not to talk). anyway, I cried off and on, throughout the movie, not tears sadness really (although I was sad yesterday), but tears for the beauty and empathy and joy. tears for the tragic loveliness of humanity. I wonder about what happens as we grow up, those kids were so wonderful, so beautiful and yet the adults, who must've been like them once not so long ago, were so jaded, tainted, stained, scarred... I don't know... can we hold onto, or regain our childhood eyes and somehow marry them with our experience and age? cake and eat it too? I dunno.

skipped afternoon coffee too, tim often skips fridays anyway, and I wasn't up to being around strangers if he didn't make it and even if he did I kinda wanted to give him a break, it had felt like a struggle for him the day before to hold up the conversation, which of course he really didn't have to do, but this experiment is awkward for people... I really never meant to impose awkwardness on my friends, but it's very touching to me that they've put up with it.

michelle called and left a message that she'd retrieved my notebook that she'd thrown out john's second story window the night before at the party. she'd hunted around in the neighbor's yard for it because she felt bad about having done it. I felt bad that she'd felt bad, but was glad to have it back. so anyway, I rode my bike over there to pick it up. I had a glass of wine with her while she caught me up with her day___ she's the most vocal critic of this no speak thing, but she's also the best at rolling with it and translating. she told me about her talk with barrett. Her friend james from school stopped over; we had another glass of wine, and then it was time for me to go because I'd made plans to have a burrito with susan.

came home and waited for susan's call. I was hungry so I snacked on corn chips and salsa and put in a movie. susan called right on time, but to tell me she was waiting on something and would be late. she called 20 minutes later to see if I'd just get burritos and come over, which seemed like a good idea. unfortunately the burrito place was closed__ at 8:30 on a saturday night? seems like there must be a story behind that, but I don't know it. so, no burritos. I went over to susan's, she put me to work repairint the patio canopy. I finished that and she ended up making us some pasta. while we ate we talked, or she talked and I wrote in a notebook that she had__ she likes the bigger sheets more than the little ones in the pocket notebook that tim gave me. she asked at one point, "did you really think that your friends would just talk and talk without you saying anything?" I nodded my head, I really did. that question had come after she had asked if I thought that not speaking had helped to make my friends talk more and I had responded that___ no, that was the biggest way my plan had backfired, it turns out that people speak much less when the other one doesn't speak... speaking is a positive feedback loop... the more you do the more others do... although I suppose there are limits to that, eventually if you speak too much either you leave no room for response or you drive potential respondents away.

after the pasta, I was feeling worn out, suggested that we finish up the other help she needed from me so I could go. so we went upstairs and moved boxes of books and that was it. time to go. I wish I'd had more energy, but I was really exhausted, out on my feet as they say sometimes. I'll see her today when she drops hopi off, then I don't know... i'm not sure if she'll be back before I go to guatemala and it's hard to see beyond guatemala for me...

that was my day yesterday. slept like a rock until almost nine... or maybe it was nine, I'm not sure. I stayed in bed though watching the rest of the move that I'd begun last night and then finally got up and started typing this.