well, michelle called and left a message last night after reading yesterday's blog and said that she thought I should quit the no speak week thing early___ that it would be good for me. I went back and forth on that for a couple hours, just not feeling like I could quit, until finally in a quick moment of sudden change in perspective, I realized I could quit. even realizing it though, didn't make it all that easy, I had gotten used to not speaking and had built up barriers keeping me from doing it, and most debilitatingly was my deep seated aversion to backing out on a commitment.

but what I had realized suddenly around 9pm, was that this was the unique opportunity my circumstances afforded me___ when else might I find myself in the position to renege on so clearly a misguided commitment? no speak week had pretty much failed in accomplishing my intended goals, there was no reason to keep it up just because I said I would, except for my own stubborness. of course I could stick it out (just as I'd stuck it out in Omaha) but what good would it accomplish. I value commitment and accountability and so, I require it of myself, but the lesson gained from "no speak week" seems to be that remaining accountable simply for it's own sake is foolish. commitment and accountability are no more black and white than anything else, we must be willing to reassess, especially in the face of imminent failure. sometimes we need to fail in one pursuit in order to succeed in another... character is shown through which choices are mad and which successes are achieved, not simply in which agreements are adhered to. intentions, goals, agreements will come into conflict with each other and so compromise will be necessary... gray areas of idealism.

that said there were positive communication insights and experiences that came out of "no speak week," I realized that conversation is a positive feedback loop, that not speaking around friends does not promote their freedom in speech, but actually deters it. the more we speak the more inclined others are to speak (within limits of course__ too much speech will crash the system). obvious of course when looked at that way, but prior to the experiment I had the naive and foolish vision that my friends would just ramble and blabber on and on while I listened in a state of ecstatic acceptance, or that we would all sit together silently communing without speech. in fact what occurred is that I found myself imposing awkward and uncomfortable situations on the people I cared about as well as myself, and the longer I did it the more exhausted, guilt-ridden and embarrassed I became, until all I really could do was hide out away from people in a self-imposed state of lonely isolation___ not at all what I set out to do.

so to have gained at least the opportunity of giving up was a pretty good salvage from an otherwise disgraceful failure.

I did go to the beach yesterday, but although the sun was shining it was kinda chilly. it was good, but I stayed out of the water and just read, keeping my shirt on most of the time.

hopi spends most of her time under the bed, hasn't eaten much. gets up in the middle of the night and prowls. I hope she eats more today.

oh btw, the photo is another from last weekend when aliza, kwaku and I went to chinatown__ I was intrigued by the salad tongs hung on the urinal.