yesterday was sort of a non day, not much went on... or maybe a lot did... hard to tell really.

I hid out at home most of the day, only leaving the house once to go to the library. it was too chilly and dreary for the beach and I had, as an excuse, the fact that I was waiting around for susan to drop hopi off. have I mentioned in previous posts that susan needs a place for her cat, hopi to stay for either a few days or a few months depending on luck and the whims of the gods? so she sent an email the other day asking about short term care for hopi and I wrote back agreeing to do so as a last resort and then she wrote back thanking me and vowing that it wouldn't be for more than three months... well, the good news is that it will probably only be a few days as there is somebody coming to look at her early in the week I think. So Susan had told me friday night that she'd probably be over with hopi around 2pm or shortly after on saturday, so I was waiting around to be there when they arrived. I was glad to have the excuse though really because I didn't feel up to being around people and not speaking... or at least being around strangers, and I didn't have any good way of getting ahold of friends. michelle had a class early yesterday, although was probably home by then, aliza's in ojai with her mom, it was the weekend so time for tim and robin to be together, and any of my other friends weren't really up to date on the no speak thing and breaking them in would've been like being with strangers, or at least as tiring, and susan was who I was waiting for, so I couldn't go see her.

so, I laid around the house and watched bad movies and read mediocre books and generally had a pleasant but isolated sorta day, it was as if I was pretending to be sick or lonely... I really was lonely, but was also weirdly aware that it was a loneliness through choice. I mean, I could end this no speaking thing anytime I want and I'm choosing not to. despite the fact that it hasn't turned out at all as I'd imagined/intended and that I'm not enjoying it at all and the things that I'm learning have probably already been learned. yet I'm stubbornly clinging to the commitment I made when I arbitrarily chose to do this for an entire week.

so how much of the lesson of this experiment is that? I'm in this situation, which I can muscle through because I've said I would and I know I can, and yet I'm not enjoying it. I feel that if I give up I'll be letting myself down because I've made this agreement to continue until the week is up. my choices are to do what will make it easier and more enjoyable in the short term by simply giving up, calling it a day, acknowledging the foolishness of continuing, and getting on with my life; or sticking it out simply because I said that I would do this and I would be letting myself down if I quit. The horrible thing is that I know it's not really even a question about which I will choose, there's no way that I'll give in and start speaking again until tomorrow night. I can't even imagine seriously considering giving up. I have this self-expectation that I must live up to this commitment at almost any cost. most people, I think, would admire the will power and self-control and determination, and fortitude, etc. involved in sticking this out, but I really wonder if those seemingly positive qualities are simply masking a misguided stubborness and pride? would it shatter my inflated self-image to give this project up? is that what this is all about, do I imagine myself to be someone who struggles through whatever hardship he has obliged himself to regardless of better judgment and common sense? am I doing this simply because I said I would and I can't let myself down? because I would rather tolerate this than look at my self (or have others look at me) and see somebody who gives up? yes I think it is.... and despite the fact that I can realize this and see the ironic ludicrosity, I know that I won't allow myself to give in.

does this sound familiar? it does to me. this is what I did to a much greater, and unfortunately much more tragic, extent five years ago when I stuck things out in Omaha long after I should've left. a lesson, I guess I still haven't learned... or have I? do I need to punish myself for the mistake of sticking things out and living up to my obligations, simply because of the psychological and emotional price I paid? was that really a mistake? or was it the noble and right thing to do? or even throw out "noble"___ and replace it with "foolish"___ was it the foolish and right thing to do? it was, of course the right thing, and I need not punish myself for having done it then, or fear the consequences of perhaps doing it again. did the pain i've felt come from my determination to stick it out, or simply from the jolt of disillusionment caused by the unforeseen perfidy that robbed me of my dreams, plans, hopes?

so back to the question... does it matter whether I continue the experiment to its conclusion. no of course not, but it will change the results. does it matter whether I stick to this silly and arbitrary decision? no, but whether I do or not will affect the way I view myself and the way others view me. how do I want to be viewed by myself and others? that's the tough one.

but I guess I would rather be viewed as someone who can be counted on to live up to his word foolishly, rather than as someone who reasonably and intelligently lets themselves off the hook. nevertheless, in hindsight, I should've left omaha ten months earlier than I did... or at least six. but I know I couldn't and I did the best thing I could at the time.

maybe the lesson is to allow myself to recklessly take on responsibilities, which is something I haven't done much of lately. so, speaking of which, susan finally brought hopi over, I guess I don't really know when... maybe around 7pm___ she'd called around 4 and said she thought 6 or 6:30, so that freed me up to run out to the library (and the market I guess, now that I think of it). I hope hopi will be here only briefly, but she is a sweet kitty and easy to love and a natural at the no-speaking thing, although she did have quite a lot ot say in the middle of the night at one point___ I checked her bowl, but it was full, so my only guess is that she was commenting on her new environs, which I'm sure are strange to her, but I think meet with her approval so far.

saying goodbye to susan was hard, don't know when I'll see her again.