happy halloween.

ok, so we went to cafe 50's and lingered over breakfast while aliza made plans for her day and her future (phd program?). she wanted to go to the 99¢ store, big lots, and lincoln fabric. so we did all that and then went back to her place to work on her costume. I came home from there, maybe around four, but i'm not sure on time. called michelle to see if she wanted to go out with us that night, but she didn't. aliza's plan was to get a bunch of people to come over to her place and drink there before going out to whatever parties we could find. that kinda fell through though because everybody except me and aliza already had other plans. I was a bit worried that the whole thing was going to fall apart, but when I called aliza around 8:30 or so, she was getting ready and we were definitely on. so we met at the other room, I was wearing my pirate costume and it looked good, but it was hard for me to see with the eye patch on, so I wore it flipped up most of the evening.

I had just opened my second beer when aliza called to tell me she was on her way, so I stashed it in my coat pocket and headed off to the bar with it and finished it there. that done, I ordered another, aliza was sipping a glass of wine. we talked with some australians for awhile and then some other people, one guy dressed as a venice mother, I remember.

by the time we'd finished our drinks, aliza didn't think it was late enough to go to the first party, and so I went to the bar to get us another round. while I was standing there, aliza stood behind me for a couple minutes, and I glanced around and saw her there right before I got the drinks, but by the time I'd paid for them, she was gone. I thought she must've gone over and found a table, so I looked around, but didn't see her. I walked through the place twice and she definitely wasn't there, so I decided she must be in the bathroom. I went over by the bathrooms and waited and waited and finally convinced myself that she couldn't be inside. so I walked around the bar, thinking maybe we'd crossed paths, like she had come out of the bathroom right before I went over to wait there for her. but she still wasn't anywhere. I was at a loss. finally I looked out the front window and she was outside, laughing and having a great time with a group of people. I was pissed off. I really don't get pissed off that often, but I was really angry and seeething. her ditching me like that seemed outrageously inconsiderate, and the thing that really pissed me off is that it didn't seem that strange, I felt really taken for granted and I had the feeling that that happens pretty often with her and usually I just ignore it because it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I don't know if the other night was just more over the top rude than other times or whether I was just more sensitive to it, but I know that I was pissed off and my anger grew and grew as I stood there waiting for her to come back in. I felt like a sucker and I felt like somehow, by allowing her to take me for granted I had set myself up to be mistreated and I felt an urgent need to put a stop to it and let her know that it was not ok to do that to me. I was hoping that I'd finish my beer before she came back in and then I was going to leave her wine at the bar and go outside and tell her where it was and that I was leaving, I was really in no mood to be around her. unfortunately though I suppose, she came in while I was still trying to gulp down my drink I handed it to her and told her what I thought of how she had treated me. she felt like I was yelling at her and got embarrassed because we were in public, although nobody was paying any attention, but by that point I had gotten enough of it off my chest that I could at least consider her feelings about it and not be quite so mad, but I still felt like she really doesn't consider my feelings as much as I think I deserve, but that's just gonna have to be something that I draw lines with, because you can't force somebody to be considerate... on the other hand, I don't have to let myself be walked all over. in this situation it would've been completely different if she had just told me she was going outside, and I really can't imagine why she didn't except that she really was out of touch with where that would leave me__ and if you're at a bar with somebody, you ought to be in touch with the other person. if we had been with a group, that would've been different too, because there would've been others, I could've gone over sat at the table, set her wine glass down and continued on with my evening, but she just left me stranded there. I don't know, it all seems really childish and petty in retrospect, but I really felt alone and it really made me feel that deep down she doesn't care about me and is more that ready to dump me off whenever the whim takes her, and that made me feel pretty miserable that somebody I consider one of my closest friends and spend more time with than I think anybody else, cares so little... I mean where does that put me? and what does it say about me? I'm sure I'm overreacting, but nevertheless, that's how I felt and to some degree still feel.

we kinda patched things up and I felt a bit better. she explained that their was a guy outside on ecstasy who had sort of attached himself to her and she couldn't escape and didn't realize how long it had been, that she'd meant to just go out and bum a cigarette and she'd really only had a couple of drags of somebody else's and that she was sorry. I fely bad and guilty because I always feel bad and guilty when I get upset with somebody I love and so it sorta seemed like things were better. we decided to go to the party, I had finished my beer and I put her wine glass in my pocket and held it upright as we walked out the door. just as we got to the corner though, rachel called and said that she and jenny were coming to the bar to meet us. so we walked back.

we were at the bar for awhile and then headed to the first party. it was pretty fun, I mostly hung out with rachel and jenny because I still felt upset or uneasy about aliza... really it's just that my feelings were very hurt, I just felt abandoned and taken for granted and unappreciated and unloved... I felt alone. but I had a nice time with jenny and rachel and a few others and the party was pretty good. then we went to the next party which was around the corner. it was fun, more of a dance party than the first. we were there for awhile and it was getting kinda late (1:30?) and things were dying down a little and I decided to go home.

woke up the next morning, not at all hung over, but remembering the thing with aliza and still feeling hurt and angry. michelle called to see if I wanted to meet her for coffee and so I walked over to the coffeeshop. when I got there, aliza and rachel were sitting out front, which was a surprise and I realized that I still wasn't really ready to talk with aliza. I just waved "hi" to them and went in and sat with michelle. aliza ended up coming in and it was alright, but I was still feeling hurt and sensitive. then the next thing I new, michelle was mad at me about correcting something she'd said and it seemed like nothing I could say made any difference and then she recruited aliza into it and they kinda teamed up on me. I finally gave up and left, but the whole thing sorta spoiled most of my day.

on the plus side, the back of the first of these new burlap pieces is a big breakthrough, I'm very excited about it. much more drawing-like, I'm finally figuring out how to keep the paintings fresh like drawings. I think the tuesday night figure drawing sessions and having been going through my sketchbooks lately has helped a lot.

talked with aliza and michelle later, things are still a bit fragile, but I guess everything will work out. I called aliza to apologize for getting so upset, but she didn't answer__ I left a message. I had talked with her earlier though, kinda briefly, but she called to get a phone number and it was ok, although it wasn't like she was reaching out particularly. I don't know, I'm sure I hurt her feelings too, and I feel bad about reacting that way, I didn't want to be mean, but I'm sure I was. now I'm embarrassed.

ali called around 10:30, she's going to bring the telescope over after work and maybe I'll go over to rialto with her and her neighbor.

this morning I've been to the coffeeshop, read the new venice paper with the article about tim's kitchen. then I went up to gotta have it and picked up some mail for denise because she sent an email saying she might call today. I cut three new burlap pieces to paint on, they're 40x30" each, which matches the first one, now I'll have four which will make eight images front and back. mom just called, she killed a spider with a rock I'd given her quite a few years ago, she was thankful for the rock.

today's the last day of daylight savings time I think. I still haven't reset my clock since the power outage a couple evenings ago, so I guess I'll wait for now.

spent yesterday painting and doin' the work on the burlap sketchbook, definitely have been falling into a routine, but sometime this week I'll have these sketchbook images added to the website and then I'll be on to other projects. might've finished that first new burlap painting, or I might end up reworking it entirely, I'm gonna start some others so that I can get a little distance from it and reassess.

went to the coffeeshop at five, but just read, it was the first time in quite awhile that I was the only one to show up, although it didn't really surprise me because tim often misses fridays and the rest are unpredictable. it was crowded with strangers though and I didn't mind, it was nice to sit and read.

michelle had called right before I left and aliza called while I was there, so when I got home I called them both back and for awhile I thought we'd all go out for a drink, but aliza's still getting over her cold, so she never made it. michelle came over around 7:30 and we went up to the other room___ odd that that's become the bar of choice these days, but it does seem to be the best of the group I guess.

got home around 10:30 maybe, maybe not even that late, I know we stayed at the bar at least 'til 10, because michelle had told her roommate, chris that we'd be there 'til then and she felt obliged__ I was probably ready to leave at 9:30. I got home, talked with aliza on the phone and then started to watch the scooby doo movie, which I'd gotten from the library. it was pretty bad, I lost interest and went to sleep.

I woke up around 4, but didn't know what time it was because of the whole clock thing, so I turned on the computer to check. played a chesss move with lucy, who had gotten back from the mountains, read grace's journal__ she's back from catalina, and then went back to bed. dad called at 7:06 to thank me for the birthday book (howard zinn) that I'd sent. we talked awhile, then I got up, painted a bit and now am typing this. aliza called a couple minutes ago and we're gonna go to cafe 50's for breakfast after she takes a shower.

spent most of the day yesterday working on the burlap sketchbook scans while listening to the history of afghanistan audiobook___ genghis khan, tammerlane; those guys were some rough characters. I made pretty good progress, but I've still got work to do. was sitting a little funny while I worked and my back was hurting last night and a bit this morning, I should be careful about that.

aliza called around 4 to see if I wanted to go to aahs in westwood and look at halloween costumes. I said sure and so she came over and picked me up. traffic was kinda rough and we didn't really know where we were going and she was starting to get worried about her car overheating, but we found a place to park and everything worked out aok.

the costume shop was kind of a bust, but good for ideas I guess. she still hasn't decided whether she's going to vegas, but I'll bet she doesn't because she's still not feeling back to 100% health or even 80% probably, and she'll have to decide today... but she could surprise me. we went to a sushi place for dinner, I had avocado roll, we both ordered miso soup, but they forgot to bring it and we didn't notice__ or at least I didn't notice until later... I was really looking forward to that miso... oh well.

we walked around westwood village a bit, felt like a foreign adventure, it was fun. we went to rite-aid and aliza bought a hair straightener. then we headed home. aliza new of an art opening at the red house gallery, we went to that. it was fun, we drank a glass of wine. the photo/painting things we had gone to see were not great, but the accompanying writings were kind of amusing. their was a second exhibit in the back that poked fun at pop culture and made humorously acerbic socio-political statements, it was funny and clever.

after the gallery, we walked over to the other room, had a drink, I walked aliza home, walked myself home, ali had called, i called back and left a message__ sounds like she might be wrapped up all weekend with out of town guest. I called michelle, caught up on each others' day since our afternoon talk. started watching monsters ball on dvd from library, but then the power suddenly went out for a minute and when it came back on the dvd had been reset to the beginning__ rather than hassle through scene select, I just gave up and went to sleep. aliza called a little bit later, I was sound asleep and would've believed it was morning, since my clock was just flashing after the power outage, but it turns out it was just midnight and she called to tell me an interesting postal story.

went to sleep and couldn't get up this morning__ woke up to pee and checked the clock on the computer at 6:20, that seemed too early to get up and the next thing I knew it was 9:30... I guess it's the cool weather, or maybe I'm just getting lazy, but I've been sleeping like a rock lately. woke up with a good beginning for the eve story in my mind though, I'll have to see whether or not I can do anything with it though.

hopi's gone. she left to start her new life yesterday afternoon. after three weeks of nobody wanting her it came down to two people racing to get here to have first chance yesterday. jim, who was representing two elderly ladies who were having to give up a cat they'd grown attached to, but ended up already having an owner, had been trying for a day and a half to come over and see hopi. he called early yesterday afternoon to say he couldn't make it over, but maybe in the evening. about a half hour later a woman named adrienne called to ask about hopi, she had seen a flyer at the getty, where she worked. I told her she was welcome to come look and mentioned that jim was also interested, but that he hadn't made it over and I felt that first come first serve was the only strategy that made sense. she was driving from the getty and I gave her directions. after I got off the phone with her, I figured I might as well call jim, so that I wouldn't have to tell him when he called later, "oh, too late, I gave her to somebody else." it never dawned on me he would say that he'd be right over.

so both were driving to my place at the same time and there was no way for me to tell adrienne, because I hadn't thought to get her number. as it turned out, adrienne called to confirm the directions from oceanpark and main, so I had a chance to explain the situation to her. while I was with her on the phone, jim arrived. hopi disappeared under the bed, not being anxious to deal with strangers. jim and I talked in the living room for a few minutes. adreienne arrived and I chased hopi out into the front of the apartment. she wasn't anxious to deal with new people. eventually jim deferred to adrienne partly because he was representing others and partly because he thought maybe hopi was a bit too skittish for the old ladies. adrienne seemed very happy with hopi, who eventually acquiesced enough to let herself be held for a few minutes. adrienne said that hopi reminded her of a cat she'd had when she was sixteen.

whew! so that was over. it feels great to work with the sliding door open again. I miss hopi a little, but really this place and my life are just not conducive to having a cat.

that was the big news from yesterday. the day was spent optimizing scans from the burlap sketchbook (example above right__ notice it's dated 4 years ago tomorrow). making progress, but a lot to do. I listened to an audiobook about the history of afghanistan while working on that. today will be more of the same. I'm working on the new burlap painting and might cut down some more of the burlap roll today, so I can do more.

played chess with bruce and lucy, played scrabble with lucy, talked with michelle on the phone, talked with susan during and after the hopi thing, she offered to fly me out to visit her in hawaii, which sounds great, but I foolishly feel so all in the middle of things here that I can't see how I could get away... but I'm thinkin' about it. more phonecalls with michelle. ali was gonna come over to show me the telescope, but had an unexpected dance class, so maybe tonight, michelle was gonna come over to watch the rest of the weeds shows, but then ali (the other one) called needing a ride from the airport. aliza called a couple times trying to decide whether to go away for the weekend shows in vegas, her cold is lingering and so it might not be a good idea, but then she'd miss out... I didn't have much advice, could see it both ways.

felt kinda lonely later and after making game moves with lucy ended up surfing blogs, wrote a response to a guy named slade who was asking for an explanation about why people are against the war and would want the US to pull out. I rambled on more than was probably necessary... it's interesting how some things that are so clear to some of us can be so obscure to others... and vice versa, it's all about point of view...

coffeeshop this morning, nothing much goin' on, read the paper___ same ol stuff really. chicago won the world series, some people are excited about that, I really don't care much, don't even know who they were playing__ astros? whatever. harriet miers looks doomed, ironically by the right... wonder who will be next. some people died in iraq and israel, the president of iran wants to wipe israel off the map. the UN screwed up the job of monitoring the oil for food fiasco, annan's gonna catch some blame, which is a drag because I like him.

alright, time to get productive.

today is my dad's birthday, he's 72, that's halfway to 144, happy birthday dad.

good day yeasterday, at least until last night, but I'll get to that. the sun came out for awhile, so I painted___ began work on a burlap piece which is slightly larger than the metal pieces I've been working on and having the addded space felt good. I spent most of the day working on the leather sketchbook scans and finished those in time to skip going to the coffeeshop around five. instead, a bottle of wine and I went to michelle's for a tofu/rice dinner. tim had stopped by early in the day to tell me he had a 6pm meeting and would have to miss figure drawing, so I had decided to not go without him and michelle invited me to dinner.

dinner was yummy and we had a nice time, but when I got home I found myself horribly sick and spent most of the night in and out of the bathroom every five or ten minutes. it was horrible___ cramps, pains, aches... I could feel my pulse pounding in my gaseously bloated belly. I went through an entire roll of toilet paper without producing a single example of solid waste. it was rough. aliza returned my call from earlier in the evening and I couldn't talk longer than a couple minutes because I had to run to the bathroom. michelle called hoping to hear I felt better (I had called when it began to see if she felt upset too) and was dismayed to find that I didn't.

inbetween my bathroom visits I watched the first of the "weeds" dvds that carrie had made for aliza and aliza had lent to me. was pleased to hear malvina reynolds singing little boxes for the opener. the show was pretty good, not great, but has potential and is definitely dealing with issues most shows neglect, so that's cool. I have more episodes on a second dvd, which I think will catch me up, because apparently the program has only been on for a few months, so I feel pretty much with the times, which when it comes to tv shows, I seldom am. I'll maybe watch it some more tonight.

my need for bathroom visits had decreased by 12:30 or so when the dvd was over and I was able to get to sleep__ but had to do it on my back, because it was too painful on stomach or side. I woke up around 2:30 and went to the bathroom and again at 4:30 and still felt gassy and bloated and stomach-grumbly, but didn't go to the bathroom. woke up around 7 and felt quite a lot better, but even now after 11, am feeling a little fragile. I snoozed until 8:30, got up, went to the coffeeshop, read the paper, came back here, painted, wrote this, michelle just called to check on me, she's off to get her hair cut.

oh here's my dream that I woke up with:

aliza and I were in her car, pulling up to the light at windward and pacific (on
windward facing the ocean), she was driving. as she stopped, she said, "I heard
that andy doesn't own the tattoo parlour anymore, that guy does." she pointed to
swagg as he crossed the street. I put my hand affectionately on her back,
expecting to feel the material of the shirt she was wearing, but instead felt
her warm, smooth skin, it felt good and inviting, but I was surprised and a
little embarrassed and pulled my hand back.

"swagg? really?" I said, as
I looked out the open car window at swagg, who did look somehow older and more
distinguished than usual, and believable as a successful business owner. I
called to him, "hey, swagg!"

"yeah, what?" he answered, glancing over
his shoulder, but continuing into windward market.

I got out of the car
and walked toward the market. I could feel aliza's impatient irritation behind
me, but I felt driven to find out the full story. as I approached the doorway,
swagg reemerged, struggling to carry what looked like a very heavy and unstble
cardboard box, I couldn't tell what it was filled with, but I somehow imagined
cast iron machine parts. "oh, I'm sorry I didn't know you were busy," I said.

"that's alright, I can talk," he replied, breathing heavily with the
exertion. he got to the street corner and propped the box on the metal housing
of the crosswalk button.

I asked him, "are you the new owner of the
tattoo shop?"

"no."

"does andy still own it?"

"not
really..."

I had the feeling he was answering evasively and I wasn't
comfortable prying, so I just said, "oh, well I was just wondering."

at
that moment, the light changed and swagg let go of the box and began walking
across the street. the box stayed, miraculously jutting out from the traffic
light pole. "are you gonna leave that there?" I asked, amazed and confused.

"yeah, it's ok there." he replied, unconcerned.

I got back into
the car. I felt guilty that I had wasted time and kept aliza waiting. she had
missed the light and it was red again. I glanced behind us and saw that there
was one car with its hood up infront of the market, clearly broken down, and so
not put out by us blocking the way. there was another car, however that was
directly behind us and had had to wait, but the driver didn't seem at all
bothered, or from the looks of her, even aware that she'd been delayed.

aliza decided to turn the car around and so she did a u-turn and pulled
into the alley where my painting studio used to be. in front of us, blocking the
road, was a huge pile of broken building materials and it was clear that
somebody had torn down the 100 market street building, leaving the remains
behind. rather than come to a stop and back up, aliza continued driving and
pulled right up to the pile, as close as she could. I just sat in the passenger
seat wondering what she was doing, and where she thought she could go from
there.

well, it's tuesday morning and I've gotten behind again, my days lately are going by pretty quickly and kinda socially____ not leaving me the time (it seems) to attend to these accounts on a daily basis, but I'll get back into it, I feel certain.

I left off sunday morning I think, and from there/then I went with aliza to trader joe's. she called because she knew I had michelle's car and wanted to know if I'd take her shopping. she was feeling better, but still under the weather and always prefers to ride rather than drive. after trader joe's we stopped off at her place to drop off groceries and then couldn't get michelle's car to start back up due to the starter problems she seems to be having___ it'll start if it's been sitting for awhile, but it seems unwilling to do so if it's only been turned off for a few minutes and the engine's still warm. I don't know enough about these things to understand why, but it seems like a new starter is called for. aliza's housemate, mark helped push it into a parking space on the street (it had been in the driveway... or halfway in anyway), and we took aliza's car to finish out the errands at staples and the aveda store.

that took most of the day. got home around five maybe, musta done something for a little while, but went over to the coffeeshop maybe around 5:30___ maybe I went straight away after getting home, I'm not sure. after the coffeeshop, ali (I learned that's how she spells her name) came over for an illustrator lesson.

went to pick michelle up from the airport at 11:15, but her flight was delayed and ended up circling for close to an hour. finally she arrived and was glad to be home and I was glad she'd made it. I was about to give up and head home... it's one of those times when I suppose I really ought to have a cell phone, because there was no way for her to let me know what was going on. anyway it all worked out in the end.

monday was rainy, which was kinda starting to bug me, it's been gray and damp weather for a week and a half and I haven't gotten much painting done. I was productive though and made good progress on getting the graphpaper sketchbook and the leather sketchbook scans webready. while I was working on those I listened to the moon and six pence, which I'd downloaded from the library___ I'm finding the audiobooks work better if I'm listening to something I've already read.

went to the coffeeshop around five, hung out with tim and mike, back home by six, ali had called from the costume shop for opinions/wants/advice, but by the time I called back, had left___ although she bought me a telescope, that she'll maybe bring by tomorrow (weds.) to show me__ tonight is figure drawing, I think___ unless tim has a conflict. had email messages after the coffeeshop; from terrell enthusiastically confirming the last weekend in january for my art show, and susan having found a possible home for hopi___ both of those, very good news!

called michelle, spoke briefly but she needed to call back. aliza called awhile later and invited me over to proofread her project proposal and give her some photoshop help. she made a fire and hot chocolate and we had a pleasant time. got home, talked to michelle, ate dinner, went to bed... that's pretty much it.

this morning, I went to the coffeeshop, read the paper___rosa parks died, they want to execute tookie williams, there's a new lincoln biography out, they need tents for the winter in pakistan for earthquake survivors, a usc student is in jail for killing her newborn.

the sun came out while I was at the coffeeshop, so maybe I can paint a bit today.

well, I've really dropped the ball on keeping up with these postings, but I better try to catch up, because it's just gonna get harder and harder the further behind I get. I need to devote more time to this too, because it doesn't really work to rush it... but I'll work on that.

well I left of with wednesday intentions to scan the graphpaper sketchbook and I did that____ the image to the right is from that, although I haven't gotten as far as cleaning them up and putting them on the main site yet. when I do, I'll probably link to them from the "ramblings" page and maybe the "books" page, we'll see. the graph paper sketchbook is still in progress, there being quite a few blank pages left, maybe I'll start using it again. I've kinda gotten away from it.

we all got together for aliza's birthday at 'the other room' wednesday night. aliza called about a quarter to seven to say she was running a little late but was almost ready to leave. michelle came over to my place just before seven and we walked from here to the bar, and were the first to arrive. we grabbed a good spot and michelle headed to the bar to grab the first round. had a great time hanging out with aliza's friends, some of whom I barely knew, but all of whom I like and got to know better. drank and drank and drank and drank more. didn't count and don't remember details, but I know I had fun. walked michelle back to her car at some point and she dropped me back at the bar because I was still ready for more. I don't know what time that was and I don't know when I got home. I remember at the very end standing at the bar with daniel and jeff and looking for an opportunity to bail___ which I apparently found, but I'm not sure what it was... but I managed to make it home, one stumbling step at a time.

at 7:45am the phone was ringing and I couldn't remember who or where I was. my voice didn't work well when I tried to say, "hello?" but michelle understood what I meant and told me she was outside. it all suddenly came back to me that I was supposed to take her to the airport... I hadn't kept that in mind when I'd passed out. I got up, found some mysteriously damp clothes wadded up on the bathroom floor and an unexplainable sticky spot next to the toilet. puzzled by that, I pulled on some pants and grabbed a t-shirt, which I was pulling over my head as I walked outside.

michelle was much more together than I was and I began reconsidering (too late, clearly) my decision to return to the bar the night before. on the plus side, returning to the bar allowed me to give aliza her birthday book that night and she'd been very appreciative. michelle still had the cds which had been handed around, but went home with her because aliza's purse was too small. I'll admit, I was not yet hungover (i.e. still drunk) and probably not in great shape to drive, but it was the next morning and no matter what time it was that I'd gotten home, I definitely hadn't had a drink in at least six hours, so maybe I was sorta ok... nevertheless, after dropping michelle and reentering morning traffic, I couldn't wait to get home and had to really concentrate.

I made it back, but the car stalled when I put it in reverse to park and then wouldn't start back up___ I guess michelle's been having some starter trouble lately, that I didn't know about. I was able to push it into the spot__ small car and I had the incline in my favor, and get inside successfully. I called michelle and left a message about the car and then tried to get some work done. aliza called around 10:15 or so and said she'd gone to work, but felt horrible, like maybe she was getting a cold, not just hung over. I didn't feel like I was getting a cold, but I felt horrible just the same. she being a trooper, and not having many alternatives not only stuck out the day at work, but came home, popped a dayquil and went out to a photo auction she'd been invited to. I didn't hear from her 'til the next morning, although I did call and leave a message to ask how she was feeling.

I couldn't accomplish anything, went back to bed, tried to read, ended up bringing the computer into the bedroom and listening to an audiobook and laying with my eyes closed__ couldn't sleep and didn't really want to. felt like shit, but really didn't mind too much, but it was a rough day. by five, I was feeling a little better, went to the coffeeshop, found tim, hung out with him, 'til six, came home. ally called and said she wasn't up for an illustrator lesson, but did I want to walk to the video store with her? so I did and she rented pirates of the carribean and invited me back to her place to watch it. it was a nice evening.

as I mentioned, aliza called the next morning and was definitely sick with a cold, but had woken up too late to call in a sub, so was on her way to work. I got up and headed off to the laundromat, I'd rechecked michelle's car later in the day on thursday and it had started (reluctantly, but it had started) so I wanted to take advantage of it and use it to haul dirty clothes... much easier than multiple trips balancing duffle bags on handlebars. bought some pirate costume stuff at the 99cents store for ally's and my halloween costumes__ more on that later.

got home from doing laundry and found two messages from aliza. she'd left school early having found a sub and was home sick. I brought her soup, beet salad and a movie. aliza had borrowed three movies from cameron, but what she really wanted to watch was "kicking and screaming" which was by noah baumbach, who is the same guy that had done "the whale and the squid" which we saw last weekend. so we called the videostore and I rode over to pick it up, but they gave me a different movie with the same title (will ferrel and soccer somethin' or other) anyway, I had to ride back and get the one we wanted and they only had it on vhs, which once I'd gotten back to aliza's, wouldn't work because of tracking issues. we ended up watching one of cameron's movies, called "igby goes down" which was really good.

I came home pretty early and I think I just ate, read and went to sleep.

was laying in bed wondering whether I should get up or go back to sleep (7:30-8:00?) when aliza called, talked a bit, didn't make plans. she called again later and then later, we weren't really getting further than maybe she'd feel like going out for breakfast eventually. at last though she called to tell me she'd gotten "kicking and screaming" to work and to come over right away because the previews were on and she was afraid to pause it for fear it wouldn't work again. I hurried over and got there just as it was starting. it was good___ sort of east coast gen X coming of age/post college apathetic/angst thing, with well written dialogue, that made me wish my friends and I were that quick and sharp in conversation.

after that, we went to lilley's for lunch with a glass of wine, it was very nice. we walked back to aliza's. I rode up to rite-aid to get her some nyquil and then I went home. ran into ally on the way, but she had a birthday party to go to, so no illustrator lesson today, maybe tomorrow, although I don't know what's up with joe and aliza sunday___ seems likely it wont happen, if for no other reason than we've seen each other pretty non-stop the past few days___ which I enjoy of course, but that's another matter.

I ate a bit and started to watch a movie. aliza called and we ended up surfing internet porn while talking on the phone. michelle called while we were doing that and so, when I got off the phone with aliza I called michelle. she's in omaha, staying at her brother's place which it turns out is just 8 blocks away from where gerri and I used to live__ weird.

finished watching the movie__ called "walking on water", about an israeli assassin who develops a sense of compassion; I enjoyed it. and now I've finally got around to catching up on this. I'm sure I've left a lot out, but I've done alright. no word from susan on hopi... I've got to change the litterbox.

today is aliza's birthday. happy birthday aliza. I think I'm going to reburn the punk cd for her party, minus the nixon speech at the beginning__ it's unnecessary and it has a little credit at the end, that I don't like, but don't want to edit out right now. maybe I'll use it later when I burn a mojo nixon cd, which I've wanted to do for awhile, but have never gotten around to doing. this new computer burns cds nice and fast!

yesterday was a stay at home sorta day until five o'clock coffee. I scanned some things from a graphpaper sketchbook, which I've neglected for awhile, but is still unfinished (has some blank pages)... so I guess it's my current sketchbook, although I've got a couple others too. I'm just not as concisely organized as I used to be... I've got stuff all over the place, and I still tend to just draw or write on anything that's handy.

I finished aliza's book, still need to wrap it, I'd like to get it to her before the party, I don't want to bring it there. the question is, do I just leave the stuff for her on her porch, or do I give it to her later? have to see. I guess I'll call her this afternoon.

had afternoon coffee with tim, hadn't been out of the house all day because it had been raining, haven't painted for the past two days because I paint on the patio and it's been too wet. tim and I went to figure drawing, the model was good, seemed to understand posing the way I do___ natural, relaxed, not contrived or pretentious.

emailed susan about hopi, haven't heard back from her. emailed terrell, suggesting december 2nd and 3rd for the artshow, he emailed back and it looks like there's a conflict, so it'll probably end up being sometime in january. emailed tara, whose address I'd found online, she emailed straight back and maybe we'll get together sometime soon to catch up___ it'll be interesting to see what the past dozen or more years have held for her___ it seems like about three lifetimes ago since I've seen her, and I really didn't think I'd see her again, but that's the great thing about google searches. emailed denise and she wrote a pretty long (for her) email back catching me up a bit on what's been going on with her. got a message from michelle asking me to take her to the airport tomorrow morning, called back and said, "sure." message from ally asking for illustrator advice, I called her and we had a nice talk and will try to get together either tomorrow night or over the weeekend. aliza and I were gonna try to go to a free screening of a movie last night, but I registered for it too late and so we couldn't___ although she cancelled anyway not having heard my message that we were out of luck, so it all worked out because she had lost interest for one reason or another and it meant that I got to go draw. ___ the model came up to me and said she really liked my drawings, that made me feel good. oh and then I got an email from aliza's friend andrew saying he'd checked out my website and liked it__ or at least agreed with something I'd written, that made me feel good too.

I'm gonna scan the little leather sketchbook that I transcribed the other day and then maybe I'll transcribe the graphpaper sketchbook I scanned yesterday... that'll be productive. I'll paint today too, because the rain has stopped and it's a beautiful day. this morning was the first time I've been to morning coffee this week___ nothing great and the newspaper kinda bored me, but it was good to be out and about in the morning... it makes a difference.

I'm a lot better off writing these at night when the day's events are fresh in my mind, but here it is, 10am on tuesday and I'm trying to remember what monday was all about.

after I returned from doing the gotta have it paperwork, I finished transcribing the writings from the little leather sketchbook from 2003. I'm glad I did it there's some good stuff in there. I scanned some of the drawings about this time two years ago before the book was even filled, I included them in a poetry anthology I gave to aliza for her birthday, which will come again tomorrow, so I know it was this time of year 2003 when I last scanned stuff from there. but there're a lot that still need to be scanned and they're well worn I fear, from having spent a lot of time in my back pocket. I liked having that book in my pocket, it was mighty convenient, although just having paper and notecards works pretty well too.

I think that took up most of the afternoon. I went to the coffeeshop about quarter after five, hung out with tim and mike. came home and got sidetracked choosing songs for aliza's party cd, which became aliza's five party cds; two dance, a rock, a punk, and an otherstuff. she called while I was working on it and we talked for awhile.

didn't talk with michelle, called and left a message, but remembered as it was ringing that she was hosting a monday night football gathering at the place in west hollywood___ it has a 60" tv. susan called while I was on the phone with aliza, but by the time I got the messsage and called back, she wasn't answering. I've got to do something about hopi___ she really is sweet and will make somebody a nice kitty. just not me.

I watched a movie and finished stitching aliza's birthday book. I'm gluing it now. I've got to mail my visa bill, it's only seven dollars, but I forgot about it and it was due yesterday, if they charge me a late fee I'm gonna be irritated.

let's see, yesterday was sunday... I didn't get around to writing last night because it got late quickly somehow, let me see if i can remember why. better start at the beginning. slept in 'til about nine. fiddled around on the computer for awhile until aliza called to let me know whether we were breakfasting or not. she called around 11, had been out late and gotten up late and had work to do, so we were skipping breakfast.

that freed me up to make phonecalls__ have i mentioned that my call waiting doesn't work anymore? hmmm. anyway, I hadn't wanted to use the phone since aliza had said she'd call when she woke up. so I called my dad, was really calling to wish mom a belated happy birthday, I had called early, and sent a gift, but her birthday fell in the middle of "no speak week" and so, I hadn't spoken with her since. still haven't because she was taking a nap when I called, but I had a nice talk with dad.

called and left a messsage for susan, which she returned while I was out last night. I'll email her today because I'm not sure what her roaming charges are like during the week___ it's free on weekends though. I'm hoping we can figure something out about hopi, and I'm anxious to hear how everything else is going too. lucy called somewhere around that same time, talked with her while she was driving back to sf from her weekend in chico, that was good, i get so used to just communicating with her online that actual voice communication seems special.

I went up to gotta have it, and picked up the leftover paperwork stuff that I hadn't yet done and also reprinted a few signatures for aliza's book, expanded the endpaper while I was at it. came home and worked on her book and ate lunch while watching a pretty mediocre movie I'd gotten from the library. aliza called to give me the updated plans for her birthday on wednesday. I called michelle and caught up on her day. felt like going for a beer, but she's in west hollywood still and that's too far. called anya and almost went for a beer with her, but her motivation crumbled after initial enthusiasm___ raincheck for later we're hoping. then aliza called and wanted me to go to a party with her, so I did that and then we went for a beer at the other room. got home not too late (9ish?) downloaded music on the computer for awhile and then dov stopped by___ that's why I didn't write this last night, I talked with him for awhile and by then it was 11ish and I decided to eat dinner and watch how to marry a millionaire on dvd (also from the library, of course). went to sleep around one, and slept soundly, been sleeping well lately. woke up 8:30ish and went straight up to gotta have it and finished the paperwork. glad that's done.

it's kind of a rainy dark day, I don't mind, but I can't really paint when it's like this.

didn't get around to writing yesterday. was still laying in bed not quite awake, but almost when aliza called. she wanted to go see an 11am matinee at the laemmle in santa monica. so I hurried up to gotta have it because I had to do the consignment by the time the shop opened, so unless I finished I couldn't go to the movie. as it turned out, some of the day sheets that I needed to compile the consignment update were on a clipboard at sara's and I couldn't find her phone number. so I did the part I could do and left a note for her.

came home in time for us to ride our bikes into santa monica, which is what I was hoping to do, but when I called, aliza didn't answer, so I called back and then went over and then came home and called back... she had fallen back asleep and we missed the 11am show, but finally made it to the one o'clock. the movie was good, called the squid and the whale. afterwards, we went shopping a bit along the promenade and stopped for falafel.

it was five by the time we got home. I worked on the computer a little, went over to the library, went back up to the shop and printed off the book I'm making for aliza's birthday and at long last, way overdue, the prints for emily___ I'll get those in the mail tomorrow__ no matter what. came home, tore down the sheets for aliza's book, scewed up on a couple of them and will have to reprint them today.

talked with michelle on the phone, she's still in west hollywood, dog sitting. watched it happened one night with clark gable and claudette colbert while I was tearing the paper for aliza's book and eating dinner. somehow it ended up being 1am by the time I went to sleep. slept like a rock and forced myself to get up and take a shower just before writing this.

hopi's doing fine and seems to have settled in to my place, which is both comforting and disturbing. she's a sweet little cat, but I really don't want a cat and can't have her here, I've got to find her a place before my landlord finds out and the longer it takes, the worse I'll feel... although, as quickly as she adjusted to living here, I'm sure she'll adjust somewhere else. although, she has known me all her life, I don't know whether that makes a difference with cats or not... It doesn't seeem like they have much of a long term memory, but you never know.

cut my hair yesterday, just took the scissors to it, might decide to use the clippers on it sometime soon, but I kinda like the choppiness.

boy, i couldn't get to sleep again last night, i think it was too much coffee at jerry's deli. finished the book I was reading though and then kept trying to get to sleep but instead kept writing eve stuff in my head and then turning on the light and jotting notes down so I'd be able to remember, which was good because I can't really remember what ti was all about now, but I remember thinking it was really good___ I haven't looked at the notes, it'll be interesting to see whether the late night notes translate into daytime sense or even usable nonsense, you never know.

finallt got to sleep around 4 and then slept until 9. got up and went over to the friday market and bought pomegranates and juice___ lucy had emailed to remind me to eat a pomegranate by squeezing it until it's all juicy and then cutting a slit in it and sucking it out, she was telling me about it oneday and it sounded really good, because picking out the seeds can be fun sometimes, but kinda gets old after awhile.

so, got my pomegranates and then went up to gotta have it to work on aliza's birthday present__ I suppose it's alright to mention that here because I'm pretty sure that she never reads this, even if she does, it's probably not too big a surprise that I'd make something for her. anyway, that took up most of the day. went to the coffeeshop at five, talked with mike, tim wasn't there.

virginia's having a party tonight, I'll head over there in a little bit, dan and bryce just called and wanted to come over tomorrow and watch a movie, but I kinda discouraged them, I guess that's ok, but I hate to do it. I've got gotta have it paperwork to do in the morning, which as always I'm kinda dreading, but no way around it. I had intended to train sara to take over this month, but she still seems too overwhelmed.

I've got a stack of denise's mail here that I've sorta gone through, but not too closely, I need to look at it tomorrow and make sure that there's nothing urgent that I've missed. I might actually get around to printing those things off for emily tomorrow if all goes well, I got some paper, that isn't great, but it'll do and something will be better than nothing, which is what I've sent her so far.

today's getting away from me... or I guess it already has. really it's just the past couple hours that have been sidetracked. got home from breaking yom kippur fast with aliza at jerry's deli___ talked with michelle on the phone and then susan. I was thinking that I'd just lay in bed and read this evening, but now maybe I'll go straight to sleep after I write this.

briefly, my day was like this:

skipped the coffeeshop this morning because I'd decided to fast for yom kippur. transcribed some notes for the ramblings section of my website. talked briefly with aliza a couple times on the phone, she was looking for her orange "burton" baseball cap and thought I might have it. 12:30 went to meet grace to go get her belly button pierced, aliza came along and brought her camera to document the event. hung around on the grass by the beach for awhile after, stopped at a stand and aliza and grace bought $8 sunglasses. aliza left, grace and I waited for her mom to come pick her up.

once grace left, I came home and worked on the website until 5 and then decided to go over to the coffeeshop even if I was fasting, I figured I didn't really need to get anything, I could just go in and hang out, so I did that. aliza called just as I was leaving, so I didn't make it over there until 5:20 or so, tim said he thought maybe I wasn't coming, I was glad I did. I talked with tim and then with gary (I think that's his name, but I've got to check__ wasn't quite certain enough to use it when speaking with him today).

aliza called just as I got home to see if I wanted to go to jerry's, we'd done that last yom kippur and so now it's a tradition. I had potato pancakes, she had blintzes, we shared and then ordered shredded onion rings, for no real good reason___ they were interesting, but not as good as I'd hoped.

came home and I've already told the rest___ too tired for details tonight. too many things to be discreet about... gotta figure that one out, nobody really reads this anyway, but some stuff I guess is more my friends' business than mine, but as always there's overlap. for me, I just want a record that I can refer to later and remember__ oh that was the last night susan and brandon were in utah and see if that is enough to trigger the memory. or, aliza called to ask what I thought about...

hmmm, the transcriptions are too big of a job and I've got to figure out when I'm gonna have that show at terrell's. I've got to remember to get his email address from the office tomorrow, I don't have it here on this machine___ I wonder if I could find it online... hadn't thought about that until now.

couldn't get to sleep last night. was up reading 'til 4:30 and then finally dropped off, slept well for about three hours and then got up... had a lot to do today, and so I really didn't want to sleep late. washed my face, brushed my teeth, stumbled over to the coffeeshop. read the paper, but paid little attention to it.

back home I scanned a few more things and then spent the day optimizing the drawings that are mixed in with the notes that I've been transcribing in the ramblings section of my website. I think tomorrow I'm gonna try to make a drawing section for the ramblings because these things don't necessarily fit in with the annual sections. for examples, check out the inserted image with this and the past two posts. it's sort of a hodgepodge of notes, doodles, drawings and ideas.

talked with michelle a couple times on the phone, she's in west hollywood house/dog-sitting for a week. 60 inch tv and drawers full of dvd's, sounds like she'll stay busy. talked with aliza, her throats feeling ticklish and she was tired and on her way to bed, but off tomorrow for yom kippur... might come with me to see grace, who's planning to come to venice to get her belly button pierced.

skipped afternoon coffee because I ran into tim on the way and he wasn't gonna be there___ had an errand to run. there's not much point to goin' if tim's not there, although I thought about just goin' over and reading, but didn't bother. I think I'll get in bed and finish the book I've been reading the past few days right now.

I'm going back and forth on when to have the artshow. saw pesha at the coffeeshop this morning and she suggested that I just have two shows, one early with just paintings, and then one later with writing. that's a good thought, the other possibility is to just shelf the writing idea, because I don't know that I could get it together in time___ having the paintings ready is no problem, although I'm thinking about adding some more pieces, started one today, and worked on several others___ they're coming together well, but I'm already looking forward to the next group... cinci after guatemala? seems like a good idea.

hopi finally ate a little food, the apartments starting to stink though, I took the lid off the litterbox to clean it and now everything smells like cat___ it was only off for a minute or three, but that was enough to stink the place up. I burned some incense but that didn't help. called kate, but didn't hear back from her. emailed susan and she wrote right back, still in utah, heads to hawaii friday, sounds like it hasn't been easy. hopi really is a sweet kitty, but I really hope she leaves soon.

goodnight.

it was a pretty good day, i'm kinda wound up and tired all at the same time right now, but it's getting late and I want to write a little before I go to bed.

I went to the coffeeshop this morning, read the paper and then went to the office for awhile, did a few things there, but mostly just unplugged my scanner so I could bring it home to start scanning some things. I killed an hour and a half trying to get this machine to recognize the scanner, I downloaded the driver four times and it still wasn't working (the driver on the cd that came with the scanner didn't work on windows xp). so the solution ended up being to unplug my mouse from the other usb port and then plug the scanner into that one and then, I could plug my mouse in. simple, but senseless, I still don't know hoe it occurred to me to try it, except fot the fact I'd tried everything else, but it worked___ not that it should've., but of course it never should've not worked to begin with.

it was kinda chilly and overcast when I went to the coffeeshop this morning, and I was thinking about not going to the beach; I kinda have a lot to do this week. but then by the time I was walking home with my scanner (I walked to the office, because I didn't want to ride the scanner home on my bike___ doesn't seem healthy to jostle a scanner) it was warming up and I was thinking maybe I should just work for an hour and then go to the beach for an hour. by the time I got the scanner to work though, I just wanted to start scanning and so I skipped the beach, which I really shouldn't do, but I did anyway. when I went to the coffeeshop at five, I discovered that it had really cooled off and it probably wasn't a great day to swim and lay around on the sand, but I still missed it.

so, I went to afternoon coffee, had a nice talk with tim, I'm glad I'm talking again. I think we're skipping moby dick this year___ the question is, how does that affect my art show? I had decided not to have it in November because I couldn't be ready in time for early november, and late november would conflict with the moby dick reading and thanksgiving. but now, I don't have that excuse anymore... I don't know, I should talk with terrell.

tim and I went to drawing at the ywca. the model was male and most of the poses were overly contrived___ I don't really like contrived poses and I'm not wild about props__ like sticks and stools, and of course I'd rather draw a woman, but it turned out alright. I've been noticing lately that the longer poses at the end of the evening have been going well, mostly because I'll draw the pose three or four times rather than spending twenty minutes on one drawing.

came home, michelle had called, I called her back while I fixed dinner. she had had a confrontation with a lady on the phone today which upset her, so she told me about that. she starts dog-sitting for a teacher friend in west hollywood tomorrow, she's gonna be staying there for a week. she mentioned that aliza was up at john's___ I've got mixed feelings about that, but it kinda hurts... I need to deal with it though.

things were pretty much back to normal today and it felt good. had a rough time gettin' out of bed this morning, which I suspect might have something to do with my not having been to the coffeeshop since thursday, that put me at four days without coffee as of this morning (and it'll be five, by the time I get there tomorrow), my system must be entirely caffeine-free, the good news is that despite that, I haven't had a headache or any adverse symptoms, the bad news is I was pretty sleepy this morning, might be entirely unrelated though. either way, I think I'll go to the coffeeshop tomorrow.

It's kinda strange being able to talk again, I feel like I've returned from a trip, and yet I've been here all along.

tim stopped over this morning to sound me out about skipping the moby dick reading this year. it's probably not a horrible idea, but I hate to get away from it. as he pointed out they missed a couple years early on, while I was in buffalo, so it's not out of character for the oceanarium to be inconsistent on these things. he's thinking about either focusing on the water station or on getting a newsletter out instead of the moby dick reading and I think that might be a good idea.

after he left I started work finally on transcribing notes I've written myself over the past several years and putting them in the "ramblings" section of the site. I haven't gotten very far and I fear that it's a huge undertaking, but I'll see how it goes. I haven't posted anything yet... probably tomorrow. I've got a couple other projects to work on this week so my time will be a bit divided.

went to the beach around one, ran into dov, had a swim, the water was surprisingly warm, which was great, but the tide was outrageous and the waves were huge and breaking too far out to have any fun with, so it was a pretty short swim. dov and I hung out on the beach for awhile and then tim showed up and I enjoyed the sheer decadence of the three of us just laying around in the sun on the middle of a monday afternoon___ admittedly today was a holiday for some, but not one that any of us were observing, except our own endless holiday, or so it seems in this timeless present.

came home, worked on the transcription, painted a bit, then a little before five aliza called, just back from ojai. I joined her and her mom for a glass or two of wine at hal's. it was very nice to see her mom, I really like talking with her and it sounded from the schedule that aliza had described to me last week that I wouldn't get a chance. so we had a very nice evening and then I walked with them back to aliza's. sandy, aliza's mom, headed off to the car rental return and from there to the airport. aliza and I joined a discussion group/class that rachel was having in there front room (rachel is a friend of mine and aliza's roommate__ rachel is the one who introduced me to aliza a couple years ago). the meeting/class thing was not nearly as dull as it probably sounds, I really enjoyed listening to a group of education grad students/teachers discussing education theory, and I even contributed a little, although it seemed a bit presumptuous (aliza ansd rachel encouraged me though).

I came back here a little while ago. made chess and scrabble moves with lucy, talked with michelle on the phone and typed this. I'm ready for bed, but I'm glad I got to this before I went to sleep because I want to get up and go to the coffeeshop in the morning without having to type first. lots to do tomorrow it seems.

well, michelle called and left a message last night after reading yesterday's blog and said that she thought I should quit the no speak week thing early___ that it would be good for me. I went back and forth on that for a couple hours, just not feeling like I could quit, until finally in a quick moment of sudden change in perspective, I realized I could quit. even realizing it though, didn't make it all that easy, I had gotten used to not speaking and had built up barriers keeping me from doing it, and most debilitatingly was my deep seated aversion to backing out on a commitment.

but what I had realized suddenly around 9pm, was that this was the unique opportunity my circumstances afforded me___ when else might I find myself in the position to renege on so clearly a misguided commitment? no speak week had pretty much failed in accomplishing my intended goals, there was no reason to keep it up just because I said I would, except for my own stubborness. of course I could stick it out (just as I'd stuck it out in Omaha) but what good would it accomplish. I value commitment and accountability and so, I require it of myself, but the lesson gained from "no speak week" seems to be that remaining accountable simply for it's own sake is foolish. commitment and accountability are no more black and white than anything else, we must be willing to reassess, especially in the face of imminent failure. sometimes we need to fail in one pursuit in order to succeed in another... character is shown through which choices are mad and which successes are achieved, not simply in which agreements are adhered to. intentions, goals, agreements will come into conflict with each other and so compromise will be necessary... gray areas of idealism.

that said there were positive communication insights and experiences that came out of "no speak week," I realized that conversation is a positive feedback loop, that not speaking around friends does not promote their freedom in speech, but actually deters it. the more we speak the more inclined others are to speak (within limits of course__ too much speech will crash the system). obvious of course when looked at that way, but prior to the experiment I had the naive and foolish vision that my friends would just ramble and blabber on and on while I listened in a state of ecstatic acceptance, or that we would all sit together silently communing without speech. in fact what occurred is that I found myself imposing awkward and uncomfortable situations on the people I cared about as well as myself, and the longer I did it the more exhausted, guilt-ridden and embarrassed I became, until all I really could do was hide out away from people in a self-imposed state of lonely isolation___ not at all what I set out to do.

so to have gained at least the opportunity of giving up was a pretty good salvage from an otherwise disgraceful failure.

I did go to the beach yesterday, but although the sun was shining it was kinda chilly. it was good, but I stayed out of the water and just read, keeping my shirt on most of the time.

hopi spends most of her time under the bed, hasn't eaten much. gets up in the middle of the night and prowls. I hope she eats more today.

oh btw, the photo is another from last weekend when aliza, kwaku and I went to chinatown__ I was intrigued by the salad tongs hung on the urinal.

yesterday was sort of a non day, not much went on... or maybe a lot did... hard to tell really.

I hid out at home most of the day, only leaving the house once to go to the library. it was too chilly and dreary for the beach and I had, as an excuse, the fact that I was waiting around for susan to drop hopi off. have I mentioned in previous posts that susan needs a place for her cat, hopi to stay for either a few days or a few months depending on luck and the whims of the gods? so she sent an email the other day asking about short term care for hopi and I wrote back agreeing to do so as a last resort and then she wrote back thanking me and vowing that it wouldn't be for more than three months... well, the good news is that it will probably only be a few days as there is somebody coming to look at her early in the week I think. So Susan had told me friday night that she'd probably be over with hopi around 2pm or shortly after on saturday, so I was waiting around to be there when they arrived. I was glad to have the excuse though really because I didn't feel up to being around people and not speaking... or at least being around strangers, and I didn't have any good way of getting ahold of friends. michelle had a class early yesterday, although was probably home by then, aliza's in ojai with her mom, it was the weekend so time for tim and robin to be together, and any of my other friends weren't really up to date on the no speak thing and breaking them in would've been like being with strangers, or at least as tiring, and susan was who I was waiting for, so I couldn't go see her.

so, I laid around the house and watched bad movies and read mediocre books and generally had a pleasant but isolated sorta day, it was as if I was pretending to be sick or lonely... I really was lonely, but was also weirdly aware that it was a loneliness through choice. I mean, I could end this no speaking thing anytime I want and I'm choosing not to. despite the fact that it hasn't turned out at all as I'd imagined/intended and that I'm not enjoying it at all and the things that I'm learning have probably already been learned. yet I'm stubbornly clinging to the commitment I made when I arbitrarily chose to do this for an entire week.

so how much of the lesson of this experiment is that? I'm in this situation, which I can muscle through because I've said I would and I know I can, and yet I'm not enjoying it. I feel that if I give up I'll be letting myself down because I've made this agreement to continue until the week is up. my choices are to do what will make it easier and more enjoyable in the short term by simply giving up, calling it a day, acknowledging the foolishness of continuing, and getting on with my life; or sticking it out simply because I said that I would do this and I would be letting myself down if I quit. The horrible thing is that I know it's not really even a question about which I will choose, there's no way that I'll give in and start speaking again until tomorrow night. I can't even imagine seriously considering giving up. I have this self-expectation that I must live up to this commitment at almost any cost. most people, I think, would admire the will power and self-control and determination, and fortitude, etc. involved in sticking this out, but I really wonder if those seemingly positive qualities are simply masking a misguided stubborness and pride? would it shatter my inflated self-image to give this project up? is that what this is all about, do I imagine myself to be someone who struggles through whatever hardship he has obliged himself to regardless of better judgment and common sense? am I doing this simply because I said I would and I can't let myself down? because I would rather tolerate this than look at my self (or have others look at me) and see somebody who gives up? yes I think it is.... and despite the fact that I can realize this and see the ironic ludicrosity, I know that I won't allow myself to give in.

does this sound familiar? it does to me. this is what I did to a much greater, and unfortunately much more tragic, extent five years ago when I stuck things out in Omaha long after I should've left. a lesson, I guess I still haven't learned... or have I? do I need to punish myself for the mistake of sticking things out and living up to my obligations, simply because of the psychological and emotional price I paid? was that really a mistake? or was it the noble and right thing to do? or even throw out "noble"___ and replace it with "foolish"___ was it the foolish and right thing to do? it was, of course the right thing, and I need not punish myself for having done it then, or fear the consequences of perhaps doing it again. did the pain i've felt come from my determination to stick it out, or simply from the jolt of disillusionment caused by the unforeseen perfidy that robbed me of my dreams, plans, hopes?

so back to the question... does it matter whether I continue the experiment to its conclusion. no of course not, but it will change the results. does it matter whether I stick to this silly and arbitrary decision? no, but whether I do or not will affect the way I view myself and the way others view me. how do I want to be viewed by myself and others? that's the tough one.

but I guess I would rather be viewed as someone who can be counted on to live up to his word foolishly, rather than as someone who reasonably and intelligently lets themselves off the hook. nevertheless, in hindsight, I should've left omaha ten months earlier than I did... or at least six. but I know I couldn't and I did the best thing I could at the time.

maybe the lesson is to allow myself to recklessly take on responsibilities, which is something I haven't done much of lately. so, speaking of which, susan finally brought hopi over, I guess I don't really know when... maybe around 7pm___ she'd called around 4 and said she thought 6 or 6:30, so that freed me up to run out to the library (and the market I guess, now that I think of it). I hope hopi will be here only briefly, but she is a sweet kitty and easy to love and a natural at the no-speaking thing, although she did have quite a lot ot say in the middle of the night at one point___ I checked her bowl, but it was full, so my only guess is that she was commenting on her new environs, which I'm sure are strange to her, but I think meet with her approval so far.

saying goodbye to susan was hard, don't know when I'll see her again.

saturday morning now, didn't have the energy to write when I got home last night__ wrote an email to aliza instead. she'd written me earlier in the evening to tell me her mom had arrived safely and ask how I was. she's emailed me a couple times this week, which I really appreciate; everybody seems to have found their own solutions to dealing with my silence, and that makes me feel good.

yesterday was a rough day. the party the other night really drained my emotionally and psychologically. it's really hard to be around people and not talk__ very draining, it's especially hard being around strangers. I feel like I'm misrepresenting myself, I feel like a goofball (of course maybe I am), I feel like I'm not giving myself the opportunity to make a positive impression... and most of all I feel separated and trapped inside my own head and I feel incapable of describing to anybody how it feels to do this... separate and alone__ amazing that just not talking can have this effect.

I think with time maybe I'd get used to it and the people around me would get used to it and it wouldn't be so painful and tiring__ but the truth remains that we are separated and it does hurt to be trapped away from others in our individual selves, whether we can talk or not. we're used to our plight, so often we don't notice it, but sometimes we do. I mean it's silly really that it is taking this experiment to remind me of the pains of loneliness and separation anxiety, but I guess that's what it is.

trapped inside my head with no way out... I feel alone and yet it's hard to be with people. it's much easier to hide and distract myself with projects. That's what I did yesterday. I skipped the coffeeshop just because I was late getting going and didn't really feeel like dealing with it and michelle had mentioned she was meeting barrett for a big talk after close to a year of not seeing each other I think, so I didn't want to intrude on that. anyway, I didn't go.

I worked on the computer, finished the photo section (minus comments/descriptions/captions of course) and then began work on the books section, adding the my body next to your body book and the sonnets from the portuguese book. I'm pretty close to finishing up on those, I'll work on them some more after I finish this. from there maybe it'll be time to begin compiling the ramblings and the notes from the experiment into conventional lifestyle. I haven't really thought ahead.

it's overcast and chilly today but I think I'll bundle up and head down to the beach anyway, I think that skipping the beach didn't help my mood yesterday, which was largely glum. instead of going to the beach I watched born into brothels__ aliza had gotten a copy from carrie (sp?) and left it along with some chiclets in her mailbox for me (the chiclets were to give me something to chew so that I'd have an excuse not to talk). anyway, I cried off and on, throughout the movie, not tears sadness really (although I was sad yesterday), but tears for the beauty and empathy and joy. tears for the tragic loveliness of humanity. I wonder about what happens as we grow up, those kids were so wonderful, so beautiful and yet the adults, who must've been like them once not so long ago, were so jaded, tainted, stained, scarred... I don't know... can we hold onto, or regain our childhood eyes and somehow marry them with our experience and age? cake and eat it too? I dunno.

skipped afternoon coffee too, tim often skips fridays anyway, and I wasn't up to being around strangers if he didn't make it and even if he did I kinda wanted to give him a break, it had felt like a struggle for him the day before to hold up the conversation, which of course he really didn't have to do, but this experiment is awkward for people... I really never meant to impose awkwardness on my friends, but it's very touching to me that they've put up with it.

michelle called and left a message that she'd retrieved my notebook that she'd thrown out john's second story window the night before at the party. she'd hunted around in the neighbor's yard for it because she felt bad about having done it. I felt bad that she'd felt bad, but was glad to have it back. so anyway, I rode my bike over there to pick it up. I had a glass of wine with her while she caught me up with her day___ she's the most vocal critic of this no speak thing, but she's also the best at rolling with it and translating. she told me about her talk with barrett. Her friend james from school stopped over; we had another glass of wine, and then it was time for me to go because I'd made plans to have a burrito with susan.

came home and waited for susan's call. I was hungry so I snacked on corn chips and salsa and put in a movie. susan called right on time, but to tell me she was waiting on something and would be late. she called 20 minutes later to see if I'd just get burritos and come over, which seemed like a good idea. unfortunately the burrito place was closed__ at 8:30 on a saturday night? seems like there must be a story behind that, but I don't know it. so, no burritos. I went over to susan's, she put me to work repairint the patio canopy. I finished that and she ended up making us some pasta. while we ate we talked, or she talked and I wrote in a notebook that she had__ she likes the bigger sheets more than the little ones in the pocket notebook that tim gave me. she asked at one point, "did you really think that your friends would just talk and talk without you saying anything?" I nodded my head, I really did. that question had come after she had asked if I thought that not speaking had helped to make my friends talk more and I had responded that___ no, that was the biggest way my plan had backfired, it turns out that people speak much less when the other one doesn't speak... speaking is a positive feedback loop... the more you do the more others do... although I suppose there are limits to that, eventually if you speak too much either you leave no room for response or you drive potential respondents away.

after the pasta, I was feeling worn out, suggested that we finish up the other help she needed from me so I could go. so we went upstairs and moved boxes of books and that was it. time to go. I wish I'd had more energy, but I was really exhausted, out on my feet as they say sometimes. I'll see her today when she drops hopi off, then I don't know... i'm not sure if she'll be back before I go to guatemala and it's hard to see beyond guatemala for me...

that was my day yesterday. slept like a rock until almost nine... or maybe it was nine, I'm not sure. I stayed in bed though watching the rest of the move that I'd begun last night and then finally got up and started typing this.

just got home from john's taco party. it was fun, but the no speak thing is really wearing me out. I guess this is hump night__ by the time I wake up tomorrow, I'll be more than halfway done. I really hadn't anticipated how hard this would be. I do think it's valuable, but it makes everything a little more awkward/difficult/complicated. it doesn't help communication, but it does emphasize aspects of communication. it makes ma feel very vulnerable and the result of that is that I really value my friends. I don't allow myself vulnerability much these days, and I think that's the most beneficial thing for me out of this. funny how I cried everyday for most of a year and now have hardly cried in the past five... too much time has gone past while I've been out of touch from my emotions. I've cried a bit everyday since I stopped talking and I think that's good. I've been protecting myself too much for too long.

aliza and michelle both came through for me in a big way tonight. I really felt loved and valued and I really needed to feel that way. a part of this experience is to find out what is me and what are my words. I want to be seen as me regardless of my words, I want to know who I am. yes, I guess this doesn't really show me, but it does hint at it. I want the essence... I want the essential communication... I want love and connection. and yet really this experiment most often makes me feel isolated and alienated... but that leads me to greater appreciation for connection when it happens.

I dunno, I'm a bit drunk. I'm melancholy and ecstatic all at the same time. I'm privileged to be able to fuck my life up like this just to see what will happen and know that nothing devastating can really happen to me. I feel immune to all life's ills and yet so simultaneously vulnerable.

today was beautiful and warm again. got up and did computer stuff, skipped the morning coffeeshop. went to the beach after mailing mom a birthday book and a couple bills for denise. swam, read, came home, painted worked on website (still the photo section), went to afternoon coffee, saw tim__ he was struggling without my conversational input__ I felt bad, I really didn't recognize the burden this would place on my friends. came home from the coffeeshop, made game moves with bruce and lucy, and then went over to the party at john's. that was my day, now it's time for bed.

this photo of me and michelle comes from the Equator Books website. it was taken at a party they had about a year ago, which was sponsored by red stripe and featured music by chuck dukowski. The caption on their site reads, "Young hip couple holding Red Stripe," I like it because it called us young and hip, and I like being called young and hip, although the caption writer was probably mostly looking at michelle. Also, I liked being on the same page as chuck dukowski. anyway, I just now got around to adding it to my site (I've been working on updating the photos section). I put it on my site just in case the equator site moves it or takes it down one of these days, you know.

the plan this morning was to have breakfast with susan at the hot at 9:30ish and then follow her down to long beach to drop off the geo tracker to be shipped to hawaii. so, being up a bit early I went to the coffeeshop and read the paper and had a coffee. she called and left a message changing plans and so I waited for her at my place and we skipped breakfast because we were running a little late by then.

this was the first time I'd seen her since I stopped talking. she came by, we got into the car and maybe there was a minute or so of uncertainty, but then she started talking and it all came out. it was great, very intense and emotional. she unleashed about all this stuff that was frustrating and angering her and that had happened over the weekend___ it started with her telling me about somebody breaking into her car and stealing the radio and her reactions and feelings about that, and then it went on from there as she drew connections to other aspects of her life. it was wonderful, and the thing that made it even more special is that it was understood that I couldn't say anything. in one way, it made me powerless, but it also relieved me of any pretense of being able to solve anything or help with words. ordinarily, I think I would've tried to say something to show that I understood or to somehow empathize with what she was expressing, but I couldn't do that verbally. As she poured all this stuff out I could feel her emotions washing over me, pouring into me, in a very physical way, they were almost tangible. in the end, as we sat in her driveway, we simply shared a warm and meaningful and lingering hug. It was really a very intimate and bonding experience and I think it would not have happened as intensely had I been speaking. it's silly how we think words can solve things, when they really have relatively little power and probably too often keep us from simply hugging each other.

of course, even when I'm not, not speaking, their are plenty of times when I'm not speaking (if you see what I mean). I'm noticing a difference between now, when I'm not speaking__ and so I know I'm not going to speak, and the ordinary not speaking which carries with it the everpresent potential of speaking. my focus, now when I know I'm not going to speak, can be on all kinds of other things, because it's freed up from any attention to what I might say next. It seems much easier to remain in the present and appreciate my surroundings. I see so many things and notice the beauty, this might partly just be due to the novelty of my experience___ kinda looking at everything with fresh eyes, I don't know what would happen if I did this for a longer period, I might just get used to it and take it more for granted.

Not speaking is very much like traveling, not just because of the emotional vulnerability and sense of isolation, but also because it is new and different, I feel "out of the usual" I'm in unfamiliar territory. there are many weeks from the past few years that are indistinguishable in my mind from each other, but I know that this week, like the week I spent in vienna in 1987, will always be unique and remembered... "Oh yeah, there was this week in 2005 when I didn't speak, it was very interesting, I learned a lot," I might find myself saying in twenty or thirty years... or to my grandson someday, "Did I ever tell you about NO SPEAK WEEK? now that taught me a thing or two."

Not speaking doesn't seeem as successful in promoting better communication as I'd initially hoped, it is in many ways alienating. it demands effort, cooperation and patience from the people around me. It does allow for focus on interaction and conversation, and I think draws attention to the topics discussed simply because of it's awkwardness__ so that part of this works well and fits my expectations. there is a distinct sense of selfishness however, that I didn't anticipate, that I'm noticing__ in that there are so many thoughts and potential responses and contributions that I keep to myself because of the extra effort required to make them. the flip side of that is that it puts me in a position to really look at the things I ordinarily might blurt out with little thought (because of the ease of doing so) and examine their worth. most things we speak have little value other than smoothing a social scene, filling a gap, or tossing out a meaningless comment____ but, while I say, "have little value other than..." it's important to recognize (I think) how valuable those things are. it's pleasurable and lovely to make small talk... I don't know that I would've appreciated that as much before... but abscence and the greener grass make us covet our neighbor's wife, and when you stop talking for a week, the first thing to go is small talk.

There is a forfeiture of power and control that accompanies not speaking. the question of course arises; did the power and control actually exist or were they merely illusion... perhaps what is given up is the pretense of power and control... and what is grasped is the liberation that accompanies that realization. We can not solve the problems of others or ourselves with words (although they can sometimes help), we must simply allow what we must, and change what we will, but talking only goes so far__ action, I suspect, goes further.

here's a thought concerning the misuses of power... we are drawn to the powerful, attracted to power either in ourselves or others, when we are fearful. power seems protective and brings us reassurance and the perception of safety. to overcome the misuse of power, either by others over us, or ourselves over others, we must first give up our fear. I suppose there are many things we fear, but a good place to start is in overcoming the fear of death and the fear of being alone... both are as silly as fear of the dark, or of a daddy longlegs spider___ and yet each is ubiquitous and crippling.

back to my story. Susan drove the prius and I drove the geo tracker down to longbeach. our directions weren't good, but we found the place eventually___ everything is at least slightly more complicated when the option to speak is removed. but there are pleasant surprises like the man who told us where the restrooms were without my having to find them on my own or figure out how to ask... that was nice.

I had taken two pens with me, just in case one of them ran out of ink and I needed to write a note to susan. somewhere along the line though, I lost them both, so I was forced into non-speaking and non-writing, on the drive back. we spent most of the drive listening to npr news silently and watching the bluesky day go past the windshield. on npr they were discussing the oregon assisted suicide law___ how unimagineably insane it seems to me that anybody would try to limit a person's choice as to how to end their life... this fear of death is indeed a societal neurosis__ and so odd to me that religion is at the root of it. these people are debilitated by their fear of death and then driven to impose the manifestations of that fear onto others... clearly I'm missing something.

After I got home, I went to the beach. It was a very hot day, hottest here at the beach in quite awhile. the waves were good and the water cool, so I had a nice body-surfing session and then read for an hour or so until my shorts were dry and I returned home. I painted and I worked on the website until 5. then went to the coffeeshop, saw tim. came home, felt a bit lonely and, it being a beautiful evening, decided to take a walk and watch the sunset. ordinarily, I would've called aliza to join me, but it's tough to call when you can't speak, so I went by myself. neverthelesss, I realized that it's been quite awhile since aliza and I have taken a walk and it would've been lovely to have walked silently with her. the sky was clear, the air was warm, the sunset was beautiful (if not dramatic), the strangers on the beach shared the experience silently with me. the moon rose and she was a fantastic two day old sliver resting on her back... floating above the spot where a little while earlier the sun had descended into the ocean.

I'm noticing that just being with my friends silently is more and more appealing, at first I was focusing on how to communicate without using words, now I'm just finding myself enjoying the presence of people around me. the silent drive back from longbeach with susan, the time spent with tim at the coffeeshop, the way I imagined walking with aliza would've been, and the way I felt connected to the strangers on the beach by our silent sharing of the sunset.

It's been a good day. The no speak thing is going well, although not really what I would've expected... but you know, I'm not really sure what I would've expected... I don't know.

This morning I was kinda intimidated waking up and considering the coffeeshop. I was a bit confused as I first woke up, for awhile was thinking I wasn't allowed to open my eyes, but as I attained consciouness, I remembered that it was talking I couldn't do, but opening my eyes was ok. that was a big step towards waking up.

while I was still in bed with my eyes closed I had pretty much convinced myself to skip the coffeeshop this morning. it wasn't the non-talking thing I was dreading, it was the awkwardness of the situation... having to explain through handing out cards and fearing being misunderstood or unfairly judged___ or fairly judged maybe. but once up and out of bed, I was ready to go and determined to bravely face the unknown.

As it turned out it was easy. paul was working and was busy, said good morning to me, but was fine with a smile and a nod and never noticed my silence. the place was crowded, so I set my cup down at peter's table, but handed him one of my explanatory cards which he accepted and approved of___ he thinks I'm a touch strange as it is, but I know he likes that about me so it's ok. cosmo was sitting at the next table and had no problems with it either.

I mostly just read the paper and occasionally either peter or I would point out a news article to each other, but that was it. he showed me an article that had a graph comparing the relative levels of self-described happiness in various countries categorized by GNP. I showed him an article about the military upping it's allowance for admitting recruits with low test scores. the important thing is that it went smoothly and he was able to twice anticipate what my response would be, so that I didn't need to write it down.

after the coffeeshop I came home and worked awhile on the website. then up to the office, still haven't done that stuff for emily or written harold. came home again. painted. went up to the beach___ on the way there, ran into harold (the other one__ not my grandfather). walked down to the beach with him. he laughed good naturedly about my no speak week when I handed him a card, but played along with it and we had a nice walk. he didn't want to go on the sand though, so we parted at beach-edge.

read detective stories on the beach, went swimming. loud kids flying kites, I think maybe schools were closed for rosh hashanah, had seen shane(sp?), emily's friend, at the coffeeshop this morning, and then the kids at the beach seemed highschoolish___ anyway, I enjoyed silently allowing their intrusion into my space. went for a swim, the waves were great and non-stop.

came home, painted, ate, worked on website. aliza had called during her lunchbreak to thank me for fixing her gate and check on chris' phone #___ she sounded much more supportive about the no speak thing, but still didn't sound like she was really getting it__ but it was good that get it or not she was accepting. I emailed her with chris' current #, which I'd forwarded to her lastnight already, but better safe than sorry. in the email I explained my no speak plan again, so I hope she understands now. got a message from michelle, just checking in and to remind me that her dad was around and so she wouldn't be__ I appreciated her checking in despite my non talking thing. I had planned to go draw with tim this evening at the ywca, he had a commitment from 5 til 6 and was going to pick me up around 6:30, but he didn't show up. my guess is that his thing at 5 started late and went long. after waiting for him and watching jeopardy on tv, I took my computer over to the coffeeshop and finished doing the photo subsection mainpages. now I just need to make the pages, which I think I can do quickly tomorrow. was going to do it tonight, but dov stopped over and I hung out with him. he was great at being non-speaking with, took to it like a pro.

we drank wine, he talked. I wrote a few things in my notebook, but not much. we looked online for naked photos of helena bonham carter__ that was fun.